It was horrible. At first we were awakened by the blaring sirens and lights flashing on the wall display of our Retard-o-tron™. The blinking letters on the wall said WorldNetDaily.
WorldNetDaily (WND) is the flamingly creationist, absolutely execrable, moronic, and incurably crazed journalistic organ that believes in and enthusiastically promotes every conspiracy theory that ever existed. WND was an early winner of the Curmudgeon’s Buffoon Award, thus that jolly logo displayed above this post.
But then the sirens got louder. And louder. Suddenly we heard the mechanism moan, and then the room shuddered. With that, the Retard-o-tron™ went silent. The noble instrument had exploded with the stress of what it had discovered.
With a tear in our Curmudgeonly eye, we followed its final indicators. We were directed to an article titled ‘Men in Black 3′ makes case for creationism. Oh no — it was another WND movie review.
Science fiction isn’t for everyone. Indeed, most people probably don’t know what it is. We’re talking about genuine science fiction, Heinlein stuff, the literature known as “SF.” It’s quite different from “sci-fi” shows about kids and robots, or ladies’ fiction about wizards and warriors and princesses. Assuming one knows what it is, a spoof of science fiction is one step removed, requiring some understanding of what’s being spoofed. Such is the case with the Men in Black movies. They don’t only spoof SF, but with their secret organization and black uniforms, they’re also a swipe at the whole conspiracy concept. The MIB movies are totally goofy, and kids might like them at that level, but we think they’re fun even for a dedicated science fiction fan — well, at least they have their moments. But to really enjoy them, one must know the genre.
Which brings us to WND. If ever there were a collection of people unfit to understand SF, and certainly a spoof — it’s WND. This is especially true of their movie-review division. The reviewer is Drew Zahn, described as: “a former pastor who cut his editing teeth as a member of the award-winning staff of Leadership, Christianity Today’s professional journal for church leaders.” He’s the perfect man for the job.
We wrote about one of his reviews a year ago (X-Men: First Class). Zahn is not only concerned only with warning readers about bad language and sexual innuendos, but he also warns about any hint that the script accepts or even suggests the possibility of evolution. So we understand what blew out the Retard-o-tron™ and soon, you will too.
Now let’s get to Zahn’s review of third film in the “Men in Black” series (hereinafter MIB-3). The first third of his article is a worthless discussion of the meaning of “miracle,” which he finally ties that into the movie like this, with bold font added by us:
[T]he long-delayed third film in the “Men in Black” series – picks up the “miracle” thread and gives an illustration of the very concept creationist scientists use to suggest divine design behind life on earth.
He thinks it’s a movie about creationism. That’s probably what destroyed the Retard-o-tron™. Anyway, here are some more excerpts
In the latest sequel – Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones return as Agents J and K, respectively, of the super-secret government agency that monitors and keeps quiet the alien infestation of Earth.
But when a vengeful alien uses time travel to eliminate K’s younger self over 40 years ago, J must go back to 1969 to save his partner.
So far, so good. The review continues:
[Agent] J and the younger version of [Agent] K (played well by Josh Brolin – unfortunately one of the few praiseworthy performances in the film), in turn, must rely for help upon an alien named Griffin who can peer into all the possible futures that branch out from any moment in time.
“A miracle is what seems impossible,” Griffin says, “but happens anyway.” Griffin’s favorite moment in time, he explains, is when an incredibly improbable string of events brings a World Series victory to the ’69 Mets:
Here’s where the review jumps the tracks:
But calling such things “miracles” – and pointing to circumstances even astronomically less likely – is exactly the argument many creationists and advocates of intelligent design are making to describe the origins of life.
Then, in what we assume is a heap of nonsense unrelated to the movie, the reviewer pours on the creationism. Let’s read on:
Astronomers like Guillermo Gonzalez, author of “The Privileged Planet,” and NASA’s John A. O’Keefe (now deceased), for example, have examined the dozens of unique factors required for a planet to sustain intelligent life – not just water and oxygen, but gravity, distance from the sun, tilt of the planet on its axis, its orbit, its moons, neighboring planets, and so forth – and come to the conclusion that the odds of any planet, even in the vast, seemingly limitless universe, meeting all these necessary conditions are so unlikely, the fact that Earth meets them all is … well … a miracle.
Intelligent Design advocate and Cambridge-educated scientist Dr. Stephen A. Meyers actually worked to uncover the mathematical odds of even one protein evolving without an intelligent instigator, a relevant idea when considering the “origin of species.”
Even if MIB-3 were a truly terrible movie (we won’t get around to seeing it until it’s free on TV), it doesn’t deserve this. Here’s more:
In other words, creationists and ID advocates say, the odds of life beginning on Earth, indeed of life beginning anywhere in the universe by mere chance, are well beyond what mathematicians consider the threshold of impossibility. Those kinds of odds are what Griffin and these scientists say classifies as “a miracle.”
Are those speculations in the movie? Probably not. Anyway, we’ll skip most of the “review” and give you this from the end:
For the millions who will nonetheless plunk down the price of admission, however, “Men in Black 3″ plants a seed of an idea that apologists for creation could use – if they so choose – to point to the Creator.
The last part of Zahn’s review is his Content Advisory, including such gems as:
• “Men in Black 3″ contains roughly 40 obscenities and profanities, though the vast majority are minor.
• The film’s sexuality consists of a few innuendo-laden jokes, a scene at a 1969 Andy Warhol party with several scantily clad guests and the opening scene
• The film’s only significant religious or spiritual element is some aliens singing “Amazing Grace” during a memorial service for a dead agent.
With that movie review as your guide, you can’t go wrong. And now we have to shop around for another Retard-o-tron™.
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