We have been inundated by a flood of e-mails (more than 2) from readers complaining that, due to the nefarious suppression by the jack-booted censors of the Darwintern, they have been unable to find copies of the original Indenial Jones documentaries at their local Blockheaded Videos. So we have engaged Dr. Swinefat Pink to serialise these stirring tales herein over the coming weeks, beginning with the first, seminal feature documentary:
Indenial Jones and the Deluders of the Noachic Ark
Part the First
OUR STORY EXPLODES INTO ACTION in 1996 in the steamy jungles of Bromley, county of Kent, England, where the indefatigable lawyer and Creationist crusader Dr. Coe “Indenial” Jones (played by hunkish Ben Stein) is carefully wending his way through the ancient, perilous and heavily booby-trapped stone passageways of the lost Orpington Catacombs. Resting for a moment beneath a torch (thoughtfully left burning by the Victorian builders of the vaults) and wiping sweat from his brow with his signature stained fedora, Indy removes a book from his knapsack – Wile E. Jónsdóttir’s Darwin is Vile – and turns to a well-thumbed page depicting a priceless bejeweled locket labeled ‘The Lady Hope Diamond.’ Gingerly continuing his way down the dank, rumble-strewn passage, Indy enters a large marble chamber and finds this selfsame, long-quested treasure resting on an illuminated Bakelite pedestal.
Grabbing up the locket, Jones quickly opens it and removes an ancient parchment, which he helpfully reads aloud:
“19 April 1882; On my deathbed, Downe, Kent
Peccavi, Pater. I goofed.
I am no kin to monkeys.
Charles R. Darwin,
formerly FRS, but now Washed in the Blood of the Lamb.”
But no sooner has Indy Jones uttered a triumphal, “YES! Kerchiiinngg!!!,” than an ominous rumbling fills the air, bits of marble masonry drop from the ceiling, and huge cracks rip open the floor from which flames lick forth. Clasping the Lady Hope Diamond as he leaps over the widening rents, Indy is suddenly confronted by a gigantic fossilized coprolite rolling towards him, relentlessly crushing all in its path as it chases him out of the catacombs.
Narrowly escaping oblateness, and blinking heavily in the tropical English sunlight outside, Indy Jones finds awaiting him his ancient nemesis, zoologist Stepan Bellelogique (played by the dashingly-enigmatic P Z Myers), and a band of materialistic Fellows of the Royal Society intent on suppressing the eternal TRVTH of scripture.
“So, Dr. Coe Jones,” smirks Bellelogique with a sinister stroke of his beard, “we meet again. But now, if you would be so kind as to hand me that worthless trinket…”
Sighing bitterly, Jones reluctantly hands over his hard-won artifact-and suddenly bolts away. As Bellelogique and the Royal Society Fellows pursue him, Jones dodges their stinging taunts and wounding mockery to board the passing 14:28 Route 176 bus from East Dulwich to the Elephant and Castle via Pratts Bottom and Badgers Mount (Weekdays only; for Weekends and Bank Holidays, see separate timetable). As the bus roars away, Indy gives the enraged Bellelogique a snappy salute as he makes good his escape.
And driving the bus is none other than Indenial Jones’ cheeky sidekick, Carcass Booby (played by DI luminary Spruce Chappedlips), who pulls into a layby on the A2214 (Nunhead Lane) and rushes to Indy’s side.
“Indy, are you alright!?” gasps Carcass. “Some of those taunts were deadly!”
But Jones, grimacing in pain, shrugs it off. “Indeed they were, old pal: science kills. But I’m OK.” And now his brow wrinkles in consternation as he exclaims, “But Carcass, I had it in this hand! The Lady Hope Diamond! Proof that Darwin admitted he was wrong!”
“Never mind, Indy,” Carcass reassures him. “We’ve got an even bigger wedge to drive into the heart of godless amoral materialistic science. Flabner’s made a breakthrough!”
“Flabner?” asks Indy. “You mean Flabner Ravingmad? Flabner Ravingmad, my mentor who is now an acolyte of the Rev. Sum Dum Loon’s Obfuscation Church? Flabner Ravingmad, the world’s leading authority on Noah’s Ark, who is rarely seen in public but only communicates via heavily-encrypted and scarcely-intelligible press releases? Flabner Ravingmad, whose daughter Carrion used to be my girlfriend but is now the excruciatingly-slender and outrageously-leggy celebrated reactionary polemicist? Flabner Ravingmad, our intimate colleague we’ve known for years but need to introduce here somehow via this expository but not very dramatic dialogue? That Flabner Ravingmad?”
“Yes, Indy, yes! And Flabner can now prove that the Great Flood of Noah really happened!”
“But we already knew that,” says Indy, crestfallen. “The Good Book says so. And how else could the Grand Canyon have been formed?”
“But Indy, this time Flabner’s really done it! He has found the resting place of Noah’s Ark itself!“
Indenial Jones leaps up and pushes back the brim of his fedora. “So what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”
Has Flabner Ravingmad truly found Noah’s Ark? Will Indenial Jones finally annihilate the pernicious hoards of godless materialistic scientists intent on unbridled licentiousness? Is Certs of the breath baramin or of the candy baramin?
Don’t miss the next thrilling episode of
Indenial Jones and the Deluders of the Noachic Ark!
[This madcap contribution to our blog is by the esteemed “Dr. Swinefat Pink,” making another appearance as a guest author.]
Link to Part Two: Deluders of the Noachic Ark: Part the Second