Indenial Jones and the Deluders of the Noachic Ark!
Part the Second
IN PART THE FIRST, rakish lawyer and Creationist Crusader Dr. Coe “Indenial” Jones found the celebrated Lady Hope Diamond (the long-lost proof of Darwin’s deathbed recantation) only to have it snatched away by his arch-nemesis, godless materialist Dr. Stepan Bellelogique. But when Indy escapes and learns that a fellow Fellow of the Dysovary Institute has solved the mystery of the hiding place of Noah’s Ark, he’s soon back on the trail of action-packed adventures in Apologetics.
The Creationist Crusade continues…
BACK HOME at the Dysovary Institute of Walla Walla, Washington (home of the Walla Walla Whopper), Indenial Jones (played by the dashing Ben Stein) and his cheeky sidekick Carcass Booby (played by suave Spruce Chappedlip) meet with two covert Intelligent Design agents. The Agents explain that the Godless pervert Nazi Darwinist science-Idolaters, in further pursuit of their relentless extirpation of morality, are now seeking DI Fellow Dr. Flabner Ravingmad (played, with kind permission of the Florida penal authorities, by Kent Hovind).
“But what do they want with old Flabner?” asks Indy.
“This is what,” replies the Agent as he hands over a copy of Ravingmad’s latest cryptic press release.
Helpfully reading the document out loud, Indy learns that Ravingmad has announced his intention to reveal the final resting place of the Noachic Ark in his latest, not-yet-published manuscript, Icons of Convolution.
“Great!” exclaims Indy, “Proof at last of Biblical literal inerrancy! Let’s go see Flabner now!”
“Dr. Ravingmad,” says the Agent solemnly, “hasn’t been seen for over a week. You’ve got to find him before the Godless pervert Nazi Darwinist science-Idolaters do!”
Jones now flies to Seattle and heads for the Pike Street Starbucks, where Flabner’s daughter, hard-drinking barista Carrion Ravingmad (played, in her debut role, by the leggy polemicist Androgynous Cooter) is alone at the end of a long day making herself a double-mocha Angostura latte.
“…Long time, no see, Carrion,” ventures Indy.
But Carrion, busy frothing a jug of milk with her bare tongue, does not glance up as she spits out, “Of all the Starbucks in all the world, why did you have to walk into mine?”
“Carrion, I’ve come to-“
“You’ve come to grovel and lick the patent llama-testicle leather of my Manolo Blahnik’s, haven’t you, gay-boy?”
“No. Carrion, I need to find your father – he’s in danger.”
And Carrion, her talons fully extended, flies in a rage for Indy’s throat. But as they grapple, Jones suddenly pulls back and, staring fixedly at her chest in slack-jawed astonishment, exclaims, “Jeepers, Carrion, since when did you have a … a … lady gland?”
Carrion pulls back sharply, clasping her hands over her chest. “…No, I,…I …”
“C’mon, Carrion, let’s see!” And Indy snatches at her blouse, plunging his hand within and removing a small sewn motley fabric object with an embroidered map of arcane symbols.
“Give it back, Indy,” shrieks Carrion, “Daddy told me to keep it safe!”
“Do you have any idea what that is, Carrion? It’s a priceless Biblical relic, the fabled Codpiece of Many Colours!”
And Indy tells Carrion of the ancient legend, which relates that by affixing this Codpiece to the mysterious Rod of Onan, the final resting place of Noah’s Ark will at last be revealed. “This is the missing link that Flabner discovered! Where is he?”
Carrion explains that her father, pursued by Godless pervert Nazi Darwinist science-Idolaters, had left the priceless codpiece with her and fled to conceal his manuscript in the same place that the Ark was hidden in – where else, when you think about it? – Arkansas.
But as Jones starts to replace the relic in Carrion’s brassiere, the coffee house is set alight by a band of Godless pervert Nazi Darwinist science-Idolaters led by the crazed and sadistic Darwintern agent, Skott (a cameo performance by the NCSE’s Executive Director), whose hand, in the ensuing struggle, is seared with the face of the codpiece. Indenial Jones rescues the artifact from the flames and Carrion, hopelessly addicted to publicity, decides to accompany him on the quest for the Noachic Ark .
The two fly to Little Rock to meet up with defrocked proctologist Sphincta (played by geologist turned lawyer Casin Lustey), who says that he knows where the Godless pervert Nazi Darwinist science-Idolaters, with the assistance of Bellelogique and a replica of the codpiece, are searching for Ravingmad’s manuscript and its clues to finding the Ark.
Sphincta and Jones decipher the embroidery on the codpiece to determine the Rod of Onan’s length – which is written on both the inside and the outside. Surmising that Bellelogique made his calculations using Skott’s scarred hand, they realize that their rival’s rod is too long, causing them to search in the wrong part of Little Rock.
Jones cleverly deduces that Ravingmad, seeking to conceal his book from the Godless pervert Nazi Darwinist science-Idolaters, must have put it in the same place where all his other books are safely ignored and untouched – the Public Library. Entering the library, he dons the Codpiece of Many Colours on his diminutive Rod of Onan just as a beam from the midday sun pokes through the window and thereby casts a shadow onto a painting of Wells Cathedral hanging on the library wall. “Of course!” cries Indy, “the Soul of Wells!” And, turning the painting over, Jones finds Ravingmad’s concealed manuscript, glowing and quivering!
Will Indenial Jones solve the clues contained in Icons of Convolution and thereby find the missing Noachic Ark? Will Carrion Ravingmad find further opportunities to spew forth violent invective? And what exactly does a proctologist have to do to be defrocked? Find out in the next thrilling episode, coming soon to this blog!
[This madcap contribution to our blog is by the esteemed “Dr. Swinefat Pink,” making another appearance as a guest author.]