Down With Gravity!

WHILE the creationists spend their time fighting evolution, we have a bigger target in mind. The greatest evil in the modern world is the false teaching of gravity! No, this isn’t a spoof, like this piece from the Onion: Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory. We’re vrey serious about this note 1.

Therefore, your Curmudgeon announces the formation of The Anti-Gravity League™. It’s time for decent citizens to take a stand against the Cult of Gravity! How do we know it’s a cult? Simple — any “science” that admits it’s based on so-called “mutual attraction” is certain to be a front for wickedness.

Think about it. Until the work of the heretical arch-fiend, Isaac Newton, everyone knew that the sun, the moon, and the stars moved entirely at the whim of supernatural forces. For example:

Psalms 19:1 The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.

Psalms 102:25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.

Jeremiah 31:35 Thus saith the LORD, which giveth the sun for a light by day, and the ordinances of the moon and of the stars for a light by night …

Not only that, but there was a time when everyone understood that the stars in their courses could be altered at will:

Mark 13:25 And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken.

But Newton has taken all the mystery out of the heavens. Now we are taught that there is no need for angels to steer comets around, or for the divine will to keep the stars in their places. Newton’s “science” has banished all supernatural influences from the heavens, and ushered in an age of unbelief. We all know the evil that now dominates human affairs as a consequence.

Newton’s so-called law of universal gravitation paved the way for later frauds, like Darwinian evolution, which removed the need for supernatural forces from even so glorious an achievement as the appearance of man on earth.

The anti-Darwinists are well-intentioned, but terribly misguided. They waste their energies on a trivial side-issue. What will it accomplish if we merely outlaw the teaching of evolution? The heavens remain entirely materialist, which is blasphemy on a cosmic scale. Gravity must be outlawed!

The wicked, atheistic doctrine of gravity is poisoning the minds of our children, and leading them to Darwinism. Turning our children into faithless, scientific robots is a step-by-step process, and gravity is the first step. That’s where the battle must be fought.

So we ask you: Do you have the courage to stand up to the gravity lobby? Are you willing to risk being expelled from any academic post you may hold? Can you muster the fortitude for the long struggle which lies ahead?

If you have answered those questions in the affirmative, then click here, and all will be explained.

——–

Note 1: Hey, it’s the weekend. When there’s no news, it’s parody time!

Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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8 responses to “Down With Gravity!

  1. Anyone for a good intelligent falling? You forgot those evil people who told us that rabbits don’t ruminate and that bats aren’t birds! ;)

  2. waldteufel

    As an undergraduate geology student, when it came to studying potential field geophysics (gravity and magnetics), we chanted:

    There is no gravity!
    The earth sucks!

  3. longshadow

    Nice link at the end.

    How much is Gene Ray paying you for referrals?
    ;-)

  4. Longie asks: “How much is Gene Ray paying you for referrals?”

    Why do you assume that he and I are two different people?

  5. Benjamin Franklin

    Oh Noes!

    Newton killed God!

    And then he formulated eugenics, which, as we all know caused the Holocaust.

    And I really liked Newton.

    Damn you, Curmudgeon!

  6. Why do you assume that he and I are two different people?

    Because your TimeCube™ watch has only THREE days per 24-hour day on it!
    ;-)

  7. Time Cube?

    Was that really necessary?

    It will take me days to get that out of my mind.

    (Amphiboly intended)

  8. Tundra Boy asks: “Time Cube? Was that really necessary?”

    Fool! The Time Cube is life itself!