AS we write this, we are headquartered in the secret underground control room of the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere which threaten the values of Western Civilization.
In our never-ending effort to comprehend the mindset of creationists, it occurred to us that they are so far beyond our understanding that their wisdom is not of this Earth. It could only have come from an off-planet source, which we have discovered is the Seventh Planet of our solar system.
Our scientists have been feverishly at work to develop further applications of our super-secret technology known as the BozoProbe™. The only previous usages were described here: The Brain of Ronda Storms and here: Intelligent Design and Swine Flu.
But now we can announce that — thanks to the work of agent “Rades” — the technology has been vastly improved and it’s been successfully deployed again. We have intercepted the extra-terrestrial source of what now appears as an internet posting at the site of Answers in Genesis (AIG), one of the major sources of creationist wisdom.
AIG has this notice posted at their website: Answers in Genesis Conference. It’s about a two-day conference scheduled for Saturday, September 12 through Sunday, September 13, 2009.
This event will be held at the Real Life Christian Church in Clermont, Florida, which is near Orlando, but located within that blessed region we’ve been calling the Florida Ark (defined here). The host church has its own tastefully-designed website, and there’s a convenient map at the AIG site.
What’s scheduled for this conference? The AIG posting informs us that Ken Ham, the founder of AIG, will be giving three — count ‘em, three! — separate presentations of a speech titled “The Relevance of Genesis in Today`s World.” You probably should attend all three sessions. Additionally, ol’ Hambo will be giving another speech titled: “Defending the Christian Faith,” and then he’ll give yet another: “Answers for the Most asked Questions about Creation, Evolution and Genesis.” You won’t want to miss any of this.
When we contemplate the far-away source of the wisdom that will be presented, we can only begin to imagine the heavenly delight that creationists experience from their other-worldly contacts. We rejoice in the good fortune of those who have been selected to be at the receiving end of the Uranus hotline. It is difficult to comprehend the joy they experience upon becoming devotees of their Uranus Overlords.
The closest that people like us can ever come to their ecstasy is to attend conferences like the one described above. So get on down to Florida, and soak up the wisdom from Uranus.
Remember the creationists’ motto: “If it comes from Uranus, it’s good!”
Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.