The Lost Voyage of Ringo Darwin

YOUR Curmudgeon has come into possession of a document of incomparable value. This manuscript, originally sealed in a bottle, has been bobbing in the world’s oceans since 1833. It confirms the long-whispered existence of Ringo Darwin, uncle to Charles. Ringo was rumored to have been the product of a brief but passionate deathbed assignation between Charles’ grandfather, Erasmus, and a servant girl.

Always an embarrassment, Ringo was kept in the attic. He was only six years older than Charles, who thought of him as his strange half-brother, about whom he was never to speak. When Charles embarked on the Beagle, having accomplished little in his studies of medicine and theology, Ringo was sent off on the Beagle’s sister-ship, the Poodle.

Charles’ passion was being a naturalist. Ringo’s solitary study in the family attic had been anthropology. His voyage was for the dual purpose of letting him study the rapidly-vanishing tattooed savages on remote Pacific islands, and getting him out England where his existence was certain to cause a family scandal.

Until now, neither Ringo nor the ship on which he sailed were ever heard from again. Here, dear reader, is the complete text of the newly-found manuscript:

Journal of Ringo Darwin

12 June 1833: And so, having been left on the uncharted isle of Lui Lui, with the captain’s promise that the Poodle would retrieve me upon his return from Australia, I commenced my study of the natives.

This island is verdant but frightfully volcanic. Because of my natural facility for learning languages, I was soon fluent in the natives’ speech. I befriended Rahm-Rahm, one of the last and greatest of the Pacific islands’ bone-in-the-nose medicine men.

Rahm-Rahm confided in me that his spiritual leadership was sometimes challenged because the young islanders were contaminated by occasional contact with shipwrecked Englishmen, who disparaged the native religion. But whenever things were getting out of hand, the island’s volcano would begin to belch smoke, the ground would tremble, and the terrified natives would return to their ancestral faith. He never revealed what became of those Englishmen.

I asked him what he knew about the volcano, and he forthrightly told me that he didn’t have a clue, but it provided him with a handsome livelihood. “Better than scrounging for coconuts,” he said.

Rahm-Rahm told me a maxim he had learned from his father, which had been handed down in his priestly family for countless generations: “Never let a good upheaval go to waste.” Indeed, while the natives feared the volcano, and he clearly knew nothing about it, Rahm-Rahm regarded it not as a god, but merely a tool of his trade, using its outbursts as occasions for recruiting followers and amassing the offerings they brought him to avert disaster.

When I asked him if he had ever feared the volcano, he shrugged. “Convulsions come and go. They never cause any serious problems.”

18 June 1833: I must interrupt this narrative to report that for the past few days the volcano’s activity has been continuous. Today its rumblings have grown increasingly severe, and it has been belching an immense column of smoke for hours. The ground is shaking badly. The natives are praying, and Rahm-Rahm is accepting their offerings. I can see lava starting to flow.

The Poodle isn’t due to return for at least two months, and the nearest habitable island is more than 100 miles away. Escape by canoe is unlikely. I can’t handle one by myself, and the natives prefer prayer to flight.

As a precaution, I am placing these notes in a bottle, which I shall fling as far as possible into the sea. It is my hope that if the worst should happen, something of my work may survive.

There is no more time –

That is where the manuscript ends. We checked, but we can find no mention of a Pacific island named Lui Lui. Ringo said it was uncharted. If it existed, it has vanished beneath the waves. Nor is there any record that the Poodle ever returned to England.

[Yes, you guessed it. This little parable was inspired by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who famously said: "Never let a serious crisis go to waste."]

Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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