The Curmudgeon’s War on Arbor Day

This is the official announcement of your Curmudgeon’s own project, the War on Arbor Day™.

Unlike the contrived nonsense and phony outrage over the so-called war on Christmas, our campaign is serious. What’s our complaint against Arbor Day? That “holiday” purports to promote niceness toward trees — or some such silly purpose. But don’t be confused.

There’s no Darwinian connection to Arbor Day. It has nothing to do with our biological kinship with all living things, and it’s certainly not about recalling our long-ago habitat which is still enjoyed by our arboreal cousins. Instead, it’s a new-age, fuzzy-thinking, tree-hugging, feel-good affair. It’s weak and insipid, a stupid celebration suitable only for fools and Nancy-boys. It could easily be celebrated by creationists

The history of Arbor Day is a muddled affair, and it’s rather confusing as to exactly when this purposeless abomination is supposed to be celebrated. This website gives the dates for Arbor Day in each state in the US. In some the date has already passed; in others it’s coming soon. But in half of the states it’s celebrated right now. Those states include Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Iowa, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Texas, Utah,Virginia, Wisconsin,and Wyoming. It’s also some kind of national holiday in the US, celebrated on the last Friday in April. Therefore this is the appropriate time for us to launch our campaign.

For those with a rational attitude about the biosphere, we already have a day we can celebrate — Darwin Day. Darwin’s birthday is a celebration of the theory of evolution and the relatedness of all life on Earth. Abominations like Arbor Day are mindless distractions. We don’t need the meaning of Darwin Day to be diluted by other so-called holidays celebrating arbitrarily chosen organisms. What will they spring on us next — Amphibian Day? Crustacean Day? How about Fungus Day? You see our point.

How can we express our displeasure about Arbor Day? One thing your Curmudgeon always does is react vigorously whenever anyone is thoughtless enough to wish us a “Happy Arbor Day.” We immediately respond with: “Bah, humbug!

What else can you do? Write your Congressman and your state legislators. Write letters to the editor. Speak out at public meetings. And please consider displaying a bumper strip on your car — one that proudly declares: Down With Arbor Day!

There’s one more thing you can do, and it’s our favorite. It’s something we learned from our best friend, the dog. (It should be noted that for some inexplicable reason, although there’s a stupid holiday about trees, there is no holiday to honor the dog.) What does the noble dog do when he sees a tree? You know. Following that splendid example, your Curmudgeon does the same. We urge you to go forth and do likewise.

Get out there and wee on a tree! It will make your Curmudgeon proud.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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21 responses to “The Curmudgeon’s War on Arbor Day

  1. You mean I have to take down all my Arbor Day decorations?

    I’ve already mailed the cards, alas it’s too late to do anything about those. I guess I’ll cancel the party tonight, too. Sigh.

  2. It’s not Arbor day, it’s Harbour day. That’s the day people get together and paint the docks and buildings in their harbour contrasting pastels.

  3. REMEMBER PEARL ARBOR !

  4. Tundra Boy says: “It’s not Arbor day, it’s Harbour day”

    I thought you Canadians celebrated Barber Day — the one day a year when you all get haircuts and take a bath.

  5. How can we express our displeasure about Arbor Day?

    Chain saw.

  6. I think you’re just being arbortrary.

  7. Doc Bill says: “I think you’re just being arbortrary.”

    That reminds me. Back in the day when the flat-earthers were openly critical of the spherical earthers, they derisively called them “Orb-ers.” When The Controversy was finally settled, there used to be an official Orber Day to celebrate the downfall of the flat-earth theory.

  8. What does the noble dog do when he sees a tree? You know. Following that splendid example, your Curmudgeon does the same. We urge you to go forth and do likewise.

    I did what you suggested, but the cops were not amused. Clearly, they have no concept of the First Amendment and the free exercise of my religion.

    Anyway, see y’all in 3 to 5 (18 months, with good behavior).

  9. SY says:

    Anyway, see y’all in 3 to 5 (18 months, with good behavior).

    At least you have the comfort of knowing that your cause was just.

  10. And my aim was true.

  11. retiredsciguy

    Curmy asks, “What does the noble dog do when he sees a tree?”

    Well, if there’s a squirrel in the tree, my daughter’s daffy beagle tries to climb it. The dog’s pretty good at it, too — gets about ten feet up before gravity sets in.

    And Sy, sorry about the fact you’ll now have to register as a sex offender and won’t be able to live near a park, school, or any other place where children are likely to be found, such as your neighborhood drug dealer’s premises.

  12. retiredsciguy says:

    And Sy, sorry about the fact you’ll now have to register as a sex offender

    I don’t think using a tree in the way I suggested is a sexual offense. I suppose it could develop into that, somehow, but I’d rather not know.

  13. Gabriel Hanna

    sorry about the fact you’ll now have to register as a sex offender

    He’s talking about public urination being technically a sex offense, I’m not sure if this is really true or if it’s ever happened but a lot of people think it is. Then again, people think cops have to say “yes” if you ask if they’re a cop, too, so…

    http://www.eagletribune.com/nhnews/x1876416971/Lawmakers-Public-urination-shouldnt-lead-to-sex-offender-status

  14. Tomato Addict

    What’s the matter Curmie? Get tired of the controversy and decide to turn over a new leaf?

  15. Tomato Addict says: “decide to turn over a new leaf?”

    New leaf! Har-de-har-har!

  16. retiredsciguy

    SC: “I don’t think using a tree in the way I suggested is a sexual offense.”

    True, but the authorities in some jurisdictions would consider such an act as “public indecency” — you know, exposing himself like that and all. It would be a good idea to pee discrete.

  17. Tomato Addict

    … or maybe you are just branching out into new subjects? At the root of this matter I have a growing concern that there is something shady going on.

    Or am I barking up the wrong tree? ;-)

  18. Wood you please control yourself, Tomato Addict?

  19. I see that you’ve never faced the wrath of an Ent. If you had, you’d make a point of celebrating Arbor Day.

  20. Tomato Addict

    Oak-ay. I’ll try to cut down on the tree puns.

  21. You’ve really got me stumped, Tomato Addict.