AIG: Satan in the College Classroom

This bizarre article is from the online creationist ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo), the Australian entrepreneur who has become the ayatollah of Appalachia. Yes, it’s from Answers in Genesis (AIG), one of the major sources of young-earth creationist wisdom. Ol’ Hambo also created the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum.

Hambo didn’t write this one, but it’s certainly something of which he approves: Creationist Students Armed for Battle, Strengthening Your Faith in College, Part 2. Somehow we missed Part 1, but that hardly matters. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us, and scripture references omitted:

The college classroom seems safe enough: neatly lined rows of desks facing an authoritative professor writing supposed scientific facts on the blackboard. But as a creationist student in a secular science course, you must realize you are entering a battlefield. … The real enemy is not your evolutionist professor or your mocking classmates but the dark forces of evil under the power of the father of lies. In the college classroom, Satan wants the Creator denied and the gospel concealed. He wants to shatter your faith and smear your testimony.

Whoa, baby! You’re facing the devil himself in college science courses! This is serious stuff. It reminds us of one of our recent posts: Charles Darwin and Spiritual Warfare. We know you want to learn more, so here it comes:

You must not rely on your own strength, or you will be an easy target. Rather, you must “”be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might”. God has equipped you with armor to win the battles you face.

Oh yeah — this is definitely Spiritual warfare. Hard core! Let’s read on:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Can you imagine trying to teach a freshman biology course (or geology, or whatever) and having one of these spiritual warfare types in your class? Why do they bother going to college? Anyway, we continue:

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

This is truly incredible stuff. Here’s more:

Let’s take a look at each piece of armor and a way to apply them so that you can be equipped in the college classroom.

No, let’s not. If you really want to know about each piece of the student’s armor, you can click over to AIG. It’s all there. We’ll give you just one little example:

Breastplate of righteousness: This piece of equipment shielded vital organs like the heart. While Christ’s righteousness is credited to the believer upon conversion, the Christian seeks to live a righteous life. Rather than passively accepting all you hear in a science course, seek to get answers to the evolutionary dogma.

Wait, here’s another:

Shield of faith: The soldier lifted his shield to block whatever arrows, spears, or fiery darts the enemy cast. The Christian’s shield is his faith in God. Will you believe and obey God’s Word or drop your shield and be pierced by Satan’s fiery darts? His darts of lies and temptations abound on the college campus, such as, “You are just evolved pond scum and should act as you please.”

After lovingly describing all the warrior’s armor, the article concludes with this:

Thus armed, you can fight victoriously at college as you lean on the Lord through prayer. At the proper times, may He give you the grace to open your mouth boldly to share Christ — the Creator, Redeemer, and Lord — on your college campus.

We never ran into anyone like that on a college campus. If we had, we’re certain we’d remember. But they’re probably out there.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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14 responses to “AIG: Satan in the College Classroom

  1. Why, exactly, would anyone who believed this stuff want to go to college in the first place?

  2. Ed asks:

    Why, exactly, would anyone who believed this stuff want to go to college in the first place?

    There’s always the example of Discoveroid Jonathan Wells, who was ordered by Sun Myung Moon to get a doctorate so he could devote his life to destroying Darwinism.

  3. My students would definitely agree–in my class, they face Satan Himself. Maybe they’ll feel better after Thursday’s exam.

  4. Gabriel Hanna says:

    My students would definitely agree–in my class, they face Satan Himself.

    Are you expecting anyone here to defend you?

  5. Gospel Armor, you say?

  6. I am a science educator, so does this mean that I may have satan light in my class?

  7. Just call me Satan (ret.). Hambo is SOOO nuts!

  8. Poor old Hambo, has a hard time getting out of the 1st Century!

    I recall a scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones is confronted by a giant sword (or double sword) wielding warrior who goes through an impressive display of sword intimidation. Indiana pulls out a revolver and shoots him.

    I hope Hambo’s Bra of Righteousness is made of Kevlar.

  9. Ha – perhaps a kevlar Bra of Righteousness and Belt of Chastity.

    However inspiring that image might be, AiG’s metaphors are all male oriented, unless the breastplate is something other than what I think it is. Perhaps AiG doesn’t approve of Christian women going to college.

  10. Great googly moogly, that was a load.
    Better (and more pithy) advice to entering freshman: spend more time learning the material and less time worrying about whether your figurative breastplate is strapped on correctly. (And, incidentally, put the material before the partying too. You can accomplish both, trust me, as long as you do them in the right order)

  11. I love how the proponents of faith are so willing to lie for the cause. I also love all of the allusions to warriors evangelicals tend to be so fond of. Perhaps they’ve forgotten how much Jesus abhorred violence?

  12. “Perhaps they’ve forgotten how much Jesus abhorred violence?”

    I remember well singing “Onward, Christian Soldiers” in Sunday School. It didn’t occur to me at the time (Hell, I thought it was pretty cool), but the words of the hymn certainly are at odds with the “Love thine enemy” message of Christianity — “Onward, Christian Soldiers going as to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before…”

    Seems as though Hambo may have taken the words to heart.

  13. AIG needs to warn people about Satan’s insidious doings in religious colleges too. Fresh out of high school I entered a religious college, where I paid close attention to the Bible and to the teachers’ interpretations of it. Nine months later I dropped out, having become a thoroughgoing skeptic.

  14. “going as to war” = metaphor. It doesn’t actually advocate war or violence, but singing hymns and doctrinal unity.