Cracking the Creationist Toilet Camera Case

This is a special post about David McConaghie, who — until very recently — was a high-ranking party official of Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party (the DUP). As we previously informed you (see Creationist Suspected of Bathroom Voyeurism), he’s been arrested in connection with the discovery of a toilet camera found in the loo of DUP member David Simpson’s constituency office.

McConaghie was also the media officer for the Caleb Foundation, a creationist lobbying organization that appears to be the ideological brains behind the Democratic Unionist Party. However, their website (scroll down to Caleb Forum Has Been Closed) says that he “has voluntarily stepped down from the Caleb Foundation.”

In the UK, one of our far-flung network of clandestine operatives — code named “Blackwatch” — has once again come through with an extra-ordinary coup for our humble blog, for which he will be amply rewarded from the overflowing coffers of the all-powerful Darwinite Hegemony. He has located and conducted an exclusive interview with the police official who, ah … cracked the David McConaghie toilet camera case.

Throughout this post, the officer will be referred to only as “Inspector X,” as he fears for his life and wants his anonymity preserved — a request we will certainly honor. What follows is the complete text of that interview, which is available only here on your Curmudgeon’s blog.

Blackwatch: We understand that nothing’s been proven yet, and he’s still only a suspect, but what caused you to think it was McConaghie?

Inspector X: I’ve had lots of experience with creationists — whackos, all of them. And it seems that the higher up they are, the more likely it is that they’re doing things like this. We’ve had our eye on the Caleb Foundation for quite a while.

Blackwatch: What’s the problem with creationists?

Inspector X: Well, some might say they’re getting a bum rap (so to speak), but as you can see from this toilet camera business, we know what we’re doing.

Blackwatch: What do you think attracts people like that to the Dark Side?

Inspector X: I’m no psychologist, but it’s something about how they’re raised — all that creationist preaching. They end up warped.

Blackwatch: Isn’t that a rather harsh indictment of all creationists?

Inspector X: Look, I’m just a detective. But you must agree that those blokes and their toilet cameras deserve their, ah … stained reputation.

Blackwatch: How did you trace that toilet camera to McConaghie?

Inspector X: We knew it was probably placed in that loo by a creationist — one who was active in the movement (no pun) so that he had free access to the offices. I suspected McConaghie straightaway. It was just a matter of, shall we say, flushing him out. But I can’t reveal our operating techniques. The results will have to speak for themselves.

Blackwatch: Do you find your work satisfying?

Inspector X: It’s no fun, dealing with the — ahem! — underside of society, but someone has to do it.

Blackwatch: Indeed. I’m told your organization has a branch in America. Are there any cases over there that you’re working on?

Inspector X: In this business, one must always be probing, but that’s really all I can say right now.

Blackwatch: Thank you, Inspector. And congratulations!

So there you are, dear reader. Another threat to society has been wiped out.

Copyright © 2012. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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18 responses to “Cracking the Creationist Toilet Camera Case

  1. Charley Horse

    This post, SC, has the stench of…tongue in cheek..

  2. You can blame retiredsciguy.

  3. I’m delighted such diligent detectives are probing in the United States as well.

    We need to know what really transpires in the bowels of the Discovery Institute.

  4. And we’re already keeping close watch on Rep. Paul Broun’s movements. I am not alone in suspecting he is a dangerous enema within.

  5. Megalonyx says: “We need to know what really transpires in the bowels of the Discovery Institute.”

    I hope they don’t discover my InterStall™ device.

  6. I hope they don’t either, Curmy. It’s their best shot at getting pee-er reviews…

  7. I was wondering if a Knights of Uranus nomination for McConaghie might be particularly appropriate here. There might be a special lower category Knights of Urinal meritted complete with a diploma. Either way, the job isn’t finished until the paperwork is done guys.

  8. Oh, dear Blessed Designer! Give us this day our daily pun…

  9. I almost forgot:

    In the UK, one of our far-flung network of clandestine operatives — code named “Blackwatch” — has once again come through with an extra-ordinary coup for our humble blog, for which he will be amply rewarded from the overflowing coffers of Darwinite Hegemony.

    Does this include a lifetime supply of Curmudgeonite?

  10. Gary asks: “Does this include a lifetime supply of Curmudgeonite?”

    They have to buy it. It’s available in better stores everywhere.

  11. Our Curmudgeon’s deeply penetrating analysis is, as always, much appreciated.

  12. It would be a funny parody to have something like the X files where they investigate and prove stupid things like creationism, flat earth, the wee people. (In fact our Irish fellow there was no doubt looking for wee people and figured where do you find wee but in the ladies room)

  13. I wonder if there are among the readers here any others who share my scholarly interest in the history of the American Crevo Wars? If so, they may have also stumbled upon the solution to an ancient mystery—and all thanks to the publicity arising from l’affaire McConaghie .

    Although little is positively known about the the secretive inner workings of the vast Darwintern Conspiracy, nonetheless the intrepid Creationist spies and researchers of the Dysovary Institute have exposed, as the most junior level of Evilutionist Operatives of the global Darwinist Conspiracy, a shadowy body known as The Janitorial Pool, whose ruthless agents are trained at gruelling and hyper-secretive Bowl Camp.

    I had previously dismissed such tales as urban myths and Creationist paranoia, but these fresh revelations about Creationist surveillance techniques now persuade me they are essentially true. It makes sense that the global Darwinist conspiracy would create just such an elite corps of custodial cadres as essential anti-espionage operatives to routinely ‘sweep’ facilities for enemy recording devices .

  14. Megalonyx speaks of “urban myths and Creationist paranoia”

    You’re getting close to the truth, but there are layers and layers to be uncovered. The bathroom camera is suggestive of the all-seeing eye of persistent Masonic conspiracy tales. There is much to think about here.

  15. Now here’s a fine thing I have just dug out from the archive vaults of the Interweb:

    On the website of Belfast Skeptics you may find the following article, dated 14th September: Caleb Foundation No-Show at NI Humanist Event.

    The article notes (my bolding):

    Yesterday evening I went to the Humanists Association of Northern Ireland’s regular monthly meeting expecting to hear from their arranged speaker David McConaghie, Press Officer of the Caleb Foundation: the group behind the inclusion of the creationist display at the Giant’s Causeway…

    …[snip]…

    Sadly, Iain Deboys, organisation Chair, informed us that McConaghie and the foundation’s chairman, Wallace Thompson, would not be attending. What followed was frustration and annoyance, whilst not being altogether surprised that they are so unwilling to talk to anyone who may oppose their views it is an utterly ridiculous and cowardly thing to back out of an event which was planned weeks ago

    …[snip]…

    However, Iain then went and asked if a group member, John Pearson, who is also a member of Atheist Ireland, had requested to video record the event the response from Caleb was that they would have to check with “the Men”. While “the Men” weren’t that keen in the first place, thinking perhaps they’d be ambushed, and rather than simply say “no” to all recording, it was decided by “the Men” that they would not attend. McDonaghie and Thompson said yesterday that “their hands were tied.”

    What are we to make of this? Did “the Men” from Caleb fear that any additional recording might set-up a feed-back loop with their concealed ‘can cam’, perhaps?

    And who tied their hands? Is bondage an accoutrement of their particular form of voyeurism?

    Enquiring minds wish to know!

  16. Well., the whole thing stinks.

  17. Curmy: “You can blame retiredsciguy

    When I first read this yesterday, I just didn’t know what to say — I was so…flushed with pride to to see that I was credited with being the muse that inspired such a creative work of literary brilliance.

    But then I thought, “Hey, wait a minute! Muses are usually given credit for their inspiration, not blame. Could it be that The Curmudgeon, like Van Gogh, doesn’t recognize his own genius?”

    However, upon reading the piece of work a second time, I agree with Curmy’s original assessment, and fully accept (except?) the blame.

  18. retiredsciguy says: “I was so … flushed with pride”

    Properly so. Thoughts of you were swirling around in my mind as I wrote that post.