In moments of desperation, such as those that face your Curmudgeon when there’s no relevant news of The Controversy, our awesome creative powers rise to the occasion and bring forth wonders. This, dear reader, is one of those occasions.
You may have heard of the latest technological breakthrough from Microsoft. If not, Ars Technica has an article about it: Microsoft designs smart bra to combat emotional eating. All you need from us is one brief excerpt:
Microsoft researchers have developed a bra-mounted sensor system that measures boob sweat and heart activity in order to detect emotional triggers for overeating.
The research is based on the idea that people eat not just when they are hungry but also for a host of emotional and habitual reasons. The goal was to provide a system that could intervene before the person turns to food for emotional support.
Neat idea, but it’s so limited in scope. Those inventors have no vision. They’re shortsighted fools! In a sudden, blinding instant of inspiration, your Curmudgeon saw the full potential of such a device — it can conquer the madness of creationism!
You’re gasping, trying to comprehend the magnificence of it all. And you’re asking: Is such a thing really possible? Yes, dear reader, it definitely is. Read on, if you have the courage.
We call our invention the CurmudgeonBra™. Equipped with miniaturized sensors that can instantly detect when the brain is descending into creationism, its tiny, needle-sharp claws are swiftly deployed to inflict the necessary punishment to discourage such behavior. The slightest thought that the Earth might be young or that the biosphere was engineered by a magic designer will cause the wearer of the bra to collapse and shriek in agony.
That’s the punishment phase. When the sensors detect that creationism has faded from the brain, the reward phase commences. The interior of the garment deploys ultra-sensitive, temperature controlled, vibrating stimulators which gently caress the … well, you get the idea.
Foolishness is punished, rationality is rewarded. The result is that the wearer of the CurmudgeonBra™ is swiftly cured of creationism. Think of the potential! When all females are equipped with our garment, creationism will vanish from the Earth!
Ah yes, we see there’s a question. Okay, you in the front row … what’s bothering you? You want to know why we are offering a garment designed only for ladies. Are we discriminating against them by implying that they are more afflicted by creationism than men?
No, your Curmudgeon is blessedly free of all prejudice. The reason for our selectivity should be obvious. When the ladies are not only immune to creationism, but are actively repulsed by it, men will automatically react in accordance with their natural stimulus and response mechanism, which needs no description.
[*Audience bursts into applause*] As soon as you’ve all recovered from your admiring swoon, you may treat this post as an Intellectual Free Fire Zone. As with all our free-fire zones, we’re open for the discussion of pretty much anything — feel free to express yourselves about science, economics, politics, philosophy, or … well, what else is there? Say what you will. But avoid flame-wars and beware of the profanity filters.
We now throw open the comments to you. Have at it.
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