Creationist Wisdom — Example Fourteen

WE PROUDLY bring you what may be the most spectacularly uninformed newspaper column ever published in the history of the universe. This one is so filled with creationist foolishness that even your Curmudgeon can’t possibly discuss each error. Instead, we’ll indicate them in situ with the following symbol: [BozoGuard].

This marvel of un-education appears in the “opinion” section of some newspaper somewhere in or around Abilene, Texas, but they’re too oblivious to put their name on their website where it can be easily found. Who cares what newspaper this is? You’ll never want to see it again, but in that unnamed news organ, we read: Professors at Christian universities not supporting intelligent design.

Although the author of this item is described as “Guest Columnist,” we’ll treat this mess as if it were a letter to the editor, copying it in its entirety, omitting only the writer’s name and city. Naturally, we’ll add our own commentary between the quoted paragraphs. Okay, brace yourselves. Here we go:

Evolution evangelist [BozoGuard] Richard Dawkins said recently: “Evolution has been observed. It’s just that it hasn’t been observed while it’s happening.”

Dawkins is a scientist, not an evangelist. This “Guest Columnist” has no idea what science is. He thinks it’s a cult competing with his.

But he could not explain spontaneous generation — how life arose from nonliving chemicals, which was disproved scientifically [BozoGuard] more than 100 years ago. (He said maybe aliens seeded life here!) Nor could he give a single example [BozoGuard] of a mutation that added information to the genome, which would have to happen trillions of times for “rocks to rocket science” evolution to be true. Many world class scientists [BozoGuard] reject evolution.

You see the problem here, dear reader. This column is a veritable toxic waste dump of creationoid fantasies and misconceptions. Observe how many such items are concentrated in a single paragraph. We’ll mention only the Guest Columnist’s myth about “spontaneous generation,” because many creationists are mis-informed on this. Louis Pasteur demonstrated that sealing food from airborne contamination would end the supposed “spontaneous generation” of mold and such. This has nothing to do with Darwin’s theory of evolution or with the ultimate origin of living things. Some retard or charlatan or lunatic posted a crazed misinterpretation of Pasteur’s work at a creationist website and it’s been endlessly repeated ever since. That’s pretty much how it is with all the other “truths” of creationism.

So, as a graduate of Hardin-Simmons University, I was grieved when I read that professors at each of Abilene’s “Christian” universities have joined a fundamentalist group bent on destroying academic freedom [BozoGuard] and banning from public schools scientific data [BozoGuard] that clearly refutes [BozoGuard] their dogmas [BozoGuard]. While Dr. Mark Ouimette said “there’s no evidence” for intelligent design, Romans 1 [BozoGuard] says such evidence is pervasive and unavoidable. And it says that God’s wrath is on those who “suppress the truth.”

Again, dear reader, you see our problem here. Unless we devote a week of lectures to this task, we can’t possibly rebut all the concentrated ignorance being vomited out in such an endless torrent. We’ll make only one point about the preceding paragraph: The creationists have no evidence that contradicts the theory of evolution. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nihil. Quoting scripture may be inspiring, but it’s not scientific data.

If the scientific data is [sic] allowed to speak, its obvious implication [BozoGuard] is that the miraculous, awe inspiring design of creation cannot be accounted for by the silliness of chance (Dawkins called it “luck”) evolution, and intelligent design is the logical alternative [BozoGuard] . All “truth” has philosophical implications: America exists because “in God we trust” — so do hospitals, orphanages, homes for the aged and infirm, etc. Conversely, Hitler [BozoGuard] , Stalin [BozoGuard] and Mao [BozoGuard] used evolution as their justification for the extermination of 75 million “inferiors” — but scientific data should not be censored because of its implications.

It’s still coming in vast quantities — thick and gooey; green and slimy; fetid, foul and rancid. In order to avoid the Lake of Fire, this fellow has leaped into the Pit of Poop — and he’s happy. Isn’t creationism fun?

Assistant professor Joel Brant says, “When I read the Bible, I do not hear a how, I hear a why.” The Bible not only says why, it says what and when [BozoGuard]. I’ve heard: “I don’t limit an infinite God. I believe he could have used evolution if he wanted to.” I don’t limit God either. I limit myself to what God said he did.

Who cares how this guy reads his bible? Moving on here, we have to break up his next paragraph into two parts. It’s just too long:

How sad that teachers in a “Christian” school would use an outdated, disproved dictum of fallible, finite men who weren’t there [BozoGuard] to second guess the infallible, all wise, infinite creator who was. Romans continues, “they no longer glorify God as God (they no longer believe his word, but at best make it a meaningless allegory — a fanciful Aesop’s morality fable), but have become vain in their imaginations (imagining all kinds of scientifically impossible things), professing themselves (why we call them “professors”) to be wise, they have become fools.” [BozoGuard]

Ever wonder why we often recommend that scientists shouldn’t debate with creationists? Now you know. As for the rest of that paragraph, we’ve decided to omit it. It’s all scripture, and while some may find it to be an inspiring sermon, we’re trying to discuss science here. Now for the Guest Columnist’s final paragraph:

In his book, “The God Delusion,” Dawkins advocates the state [sic] taking children away from their Christian parents and immersing them in evolution propaganda until they are 18. It is sad that teachers employed by Christians would join a group working to affect through our public schools a similar outcome.

[Name and city omitted]

We can’t think of a thing to add here, so we’ll say nothing.

Copyright © 2008. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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4 responses to “Creationist Wisdom — Example Fourteen

  1. From the quoted article:

    In his book, “The God Delusion,” Dawkins advocates the state taking children away from their Christian parents and immersing them in evolution propaganda until they are 18. It is sad that teachers employed by Christians would join a group working to affect through our public schools a similar outcome.

    Okay, anybody else notice the glaring word usage error?


  2. By Jove, you’re right! I’ll add yet another [sic] to the appropriate paragraph. (Hint to others: it wasn’t affect/effect.)

  3. Check it again: he’s using the word in the sense of “to cause to happen” — which is verb form of “effect.”

    But he used “affect, ” — the verb form of which means “to influence.”

    In short, that author is saying that ” … teachers are working to cause a similar outcome.” not ” …. teachers are working to influence a similar outcome.”

    Ergo, it should be “effect,” not “affect.”


  4. Maybe so. Iceberg, Goldberg. But he definitely left the apostrophe off of “state.”