WE HAVE an exciting announcement to make! As you know, your Curmudgeon is headquartered in the secret underground control room of the CITADEL, the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere which threaten the values of Western Civilization.
Our scientists, after years of experiments on ‘possum brains, have finally perfected a working model of a device that can literally tap into the brain of Florida’s State Senator Ronda Storms (R), the creationist queen of the Florida legislature. We call this revolutionary device the BozoProbe™.
Much of the broadcast we obtained from Ronda’s brain is incoherent, and a great deal of the rest is unsuitable for a family-oriented blog, so this initial release will contain only material relevant to what we’ve reported earlier: Creationism and the Dewey Decimal System.
As we interpret the intercepted signals, Ronda has frequent daydreams of being interviewed on all the nationally-respected opinion-making shows, such as The 700 Club, The Inspiration Network, Jimmy Swaggart Ministries, and the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Here, dear reader, is the actual transcript of a brain intercept we recorded while Ronda was alone with her thoughts, rehearsing for an imaginary interview:
Q. Our guest today is Florida State Senator Ronda Storms. [Applause] We understand, Ronda, that you have actually developed a new system to replace the Dewey Decimal System currently used in school libraries.
Q. That’s a remarkable intellectual achievement. [Applause] What do you call it?
A. I call it the Ronda Storms Binary System, or RSBS.
Q. Isn’t that wonderful? [Applause] Tell us about it.
A. Instead of the cumbersome and expensive Dewey Decimal System, which has zillions of numerical categories and lots of misclassified titles, my system has only two categories — Approved, and All Others. It’s very simple to use.
Q. Golly, Ronda, that’s terrific! [Applause] But how did you decide on a binary system?
A. It’s God’s system. God created the heavens and the earth — there’s the original duality. He created man and woman, heaven and hell. There is good and evil, God and Satan. You’re either saved or not saved. The binary system is the only possible system.
Q. Isn’t that great, folks? [Applause] Tell us, Ronda, what books will be in the Approved category?
A. The bible, of course. Especially the King James version. [Applause] And a few other books that comment favorably on the bible — all of yours, of course. [Applause] Naturally we’ll have creation science. I’m very much in favor of good science education. [Applause] That’s about it.
Q. But Ronda, what about all the books that aren’t in the Approved category? There are millions of titles. How will they be classified?
A. There’s no need to classify them. That’s the beauty of my system They’ll be burned.
Q. Ronda, you’re the greatest! [Sustained applause, cheers, shouts of praise]
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