Creationist Wisdom — Example 32

TODAY’S EXAMPLE is a letter to the editor appearing in the Star Tribune of Chatham, in Pittsylvania County, Virginia, population 1,338 at the 2000 census.

The letter-writer knows what he wants: ‘Creation’ needs to be back in schools.

Following recent custom, your Curmudgeon will politely insert this subtle signal [Aaaargh!!] after each howler so that we don’t interrupt the letter-writer’s learned discourse. We’ll also be adding Curmudgeonly commentary in between the letter-writer’s paragraphs. This is a long letter, so we’ll only give you a few choice excerpts, and we’ll omit the name and city of the author.

Here we go:

You would have to be almost a person with a retarded intelligence to believe in the theory of evolution. [Aaaargh!!]

Your Curmudgeon has been insulted! But we shall turn the other cheek and read on:

Just to believe that all life on this earth descended from one primordial life form and this original species crawled up out from a swampy bog, and some where up the line came mankind. Well if you believe this, that swampland is up for sale.

We suspect that this fellow doesn’t think much of us, but we’ll continue:

From the millions of fossils collected, the paleontologists still don’t have this missing link to prove that man came from a swamp. [Aaaargh!!] This missing link would have to be half ape and half man. [Aaaargh!!] But if they were correct then they would have to find one that’s half ape and half female. [Aaaargh!!]

We must admit, there’s no fossil that meets the letter-writer’s precise specifications. Here’s more:

Most naturalists today are just too hardheaded to believe this world and all living things were created by an intelligent designer. [Aaaargh!!]

Would we still look like an ape if he was our father? [Aaaargh!!]

No comment. Moving along:

Charles Darwin’s theory on evolution is just a theory. [Aaaargh!!] He just imagined this might be possible, that all life is descended from an original species from ancient times. Did Darwin ever wonder where this swamp and single cell came from? [Aaaargh!!] Oh, by the way, Mr. Darwin was a theologian, a preacher of the gospel. [Aaaargh!!]

You see, it’s always possible to learn from creationists. Now you know that Darwin was a preacher. Another excerpt:

Why does the butterfly start out as an ugly worm? Then he will change into a pretty butterfly. This is because of an intelligent designer. [Aaaargh!!]

I don’t care how bad the naturalist, scientist and the atheist want to believe in the theory of evolution, it just didn’t happen that way. [Aaaargh!!]

Skipping a bit, we come to the end of the letter, and you can see that the letter-writer has a far wider range of concerns than creationism:

Folks, wake up. We need to ring our elected politicians phones off the hook and see if we can get “creation” back in our schools. [Aaaargh!!]

The Virginia State Senate just passed a bill that prohibits chaplains of the Virginia State Police from praying “In the Name of Jesus.” These same people are also trying to have “In God We Trust” removed from our money.

[Writer’s name and city can be seen in the original.]

Now go and ponder what you have read.

Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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8 responses to “Creationist Wisdom — Example 32

  1. Carolinaguitarman

    Poe.

  2. …I’m beginning to wonder if I can use a minotaur as an evolutionary link to ‘prove’ to creationists that they’re descendant from cows and bulls instead of primates since that idea apparently offends them so much. I’m not sure what exactly they think an evolutionary link is supposed to look like, but I think a minotaur would qualify.

    Mhmmm, that could be fun.

  3. Carolinaguitarman says: “Poe.”

    But Poe’s law states:

    Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is utterly impossible to parody a Creationist in such a way that someone won’t mistake for the genuine article.

  4. I just have to comment. This is the first blog I check every day. I really enjoy the articles. I especially love the letters to the editor breakdown. Makes my day.

  5. curtis, good of you to drop in.

  6. Dear Creationists,

    Enough with the breathtaking inanity.

    Signed,

    The Scientists

  7. James, why would you want them to stop? You can’t find entertainment like this anywhere else. We need the creationists.

  8. I replied to that newspaper article, as did Carolinaguitarman. Hey guitarman, I’d be honored if you play my “Evolution” song sometime somewhere to tease creationists! The link is given here, or search “evolution song” +”The Bicycling Guitarist” and it is easily found. It’s in the key of A. Peace