Creationism’s Super-Secret Area 69

HAVING seen so many references to creationists’ evidence against evolution, but being always frustrated at the vagueness of such claims, your Curmudgeon decided to take desperate measures.

So we went to Seattle, disguised to pass ourselves off as a creationist. We hadn’t bathed, and we had a temporary Botox treatment to keep our eyes wide open, simulating a vacant stare. A mouthpiece was installed to give us a slack-jawed appearance.

We taxied to a certain think tank, talked our way past a guard, entered, and then proceeded to convince one of their operatives that we were a creationist seeking evidence of intelligent design. Our ruse succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

Blindfolded, we were driven to the outskirts of Seattle, and arrived at a secret location. Our blindfold removed, we found ourselves being escorted into an unmarked warehouse. “This is it,” said our guide. “Area 69 — it’s where we keep our proof that Darwinism is false.”

Once inside, we paused before a door, which our guide unlocked. We entered an empty room. “What’s this?” your Curmudgeon asked.

“Transitional fossils. As you can see, there aren’t any,” said our guide.

Nodding, we were escorted out of the room, watched as our guide carefully locked the door behind us, and we went down the hall to the next door. Same routine — the door was unlocked and we went inside.

Slowly we gazed at pictures covering all four walls. They were of World War II atrocity scenes, along with photos of Hitler and Stalin. “All Darwin’s fault,” our guide intoned.

The next room had illustrations of Piltdown Man and Nebraska Man on the walls. “Darwinist frauds,” said our guide. “This is the so-called proof of their theory. They have no shame!”

On to the next room. The walls were covered with promotional material for Ben Stein’s “Expelled.” A pile of CDs was on a table. “Take one,” said our guide. “Very powerful evidence.” We slipped one into our pocket.

The next room had a huge bin of variously colored marbles. Your Curmudgeon stared at them, wondering. “Those represent atoms,” explained the guide. “The red ones are carbon, blue are hydrogen, green is for nitrogen, and so on. We have millions of those marbles here. If you like, we can blindfold you again, and then we’ll see how long it takes you to assemble a strand of DNA.”

“That’s impossible!” we declared.

“Exactly!” said our guide.

Then we were taken through the rest of the locked rooms, one at a time. We saw a picture of an eye, below which was an excerpt from Darwin asking how such a thing could have evolved. We saw a picture of a bacterium with a flagellum — “Obviously designed,” said our guide. There was a model of Noah’s Ark, a drawing of men riding dinosaurs, a cage full of Galapagos finches — “After all these years, they’re still finches!” — said the guide, and finally we saw a painting of Darwin on his deathbed, recanting all his works and begging to be forgiven.

“So there it is!” said our guide, as we emerged from the warehouse. “That’s the proof of intelligent design.” All your Curmudgeon could say in response was: “Yes, it’s all so very clear.”

Then we were blindfolded again for the return trip to downtown Seattle. We rode in silence. Near the journey’s end your Curmudgeon asked: “Why do you keep all of this evidence concealed?”

“The world isn’t ready yet,” our guide said. “The Darwinists would destroy it. But our time will come. And it will be soon.”

Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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14 responses to “Creationism’s Super-Secret Area 69

  1. retiredsciguy

    Beautiful!

  2. This is what happens on slow news days. (And if I’m not in the mood to offend everyone with my politics.)

  3. In part 2 will you tell us what they said when you asked them if Behe was right about common descent and the ~4 billion year history of life? I can understand you not bothering to ask if it was in Kentucky, but you did say it was near Seattle, the DI’s home base. Which reminds me, did you ask them if Medved is correct that Bigfoot exists?

  4. Frank J asks: “In part 2 will you tell us …”

    There are things I dare not reveal. You can’t handle the truth!

  5. longshadow

    The UnDiscovery Institute’s vacuous Area 69 is reminiscent of another curious feature in Seattle, not far from The UnDyscovery Institute:

    The figures stand mute and motionless in cold of winter, and heat of summer, year after year. They are waiting for the Interurban …..

    Of course, they aren’t real people, but part of a statue, called “Waiting for the Interurban” — imaginary people awaiting a train that doesn’t exist, and will never arrive ….. just like the “evidence” that you were told would prove that Darwin’s theory of Evolution is wrong that resides in Area 69 is imaginary, and will never arrive.

    How apropo they are in such close proximity to each other…. imaginary passengers awaiting an imaginary train, and a vault of imaginary evidence.

  6. Longie says: “… a vault of imaginary evidence.”

    How little you understand! I have been to the mountaintop. I have seen things you’ve never dreamed of, things you cannot comprehend. My eyes have been opened! I know THE TRVTH!

  7. You did remember to plant the homing device for the black helicopters I trust.

  8. longshadow

    How little you understand! I have been to the mountaintop. I have seen things you’ve never dreamed of, things you cannot comprehend. My eyes have been opened! I know THE TRVTH!

    Oh, why didn’t you say they took you to see the Aurora Bridge Troll? (It’s a few blocks from the “Waiting for the Interurban” statue)

    😉

    (BTW, the VW in the hand of the Troll is a real VW Bug! But the folks at DI think the TROLL is REAL!))

  9. retiredsciguy

    Curmy sez, “This is what happens on slow news days. (And if I’m not in the mood to offend everyone with my politics.)”

    On the contrary, my dear fellow! Your politics are anything but offensive. Your treatises have all been well-reasoned and on the mark. And besides, would it even be possible to write a political piece that would truly offend everyone? Seems like it would be difficult to tick off more than about 70% with any one writing.

  10. Longie, you are exhibiting entirely too much familiarity with Seattle. Not even Casey himself could know that many landmarks. ‘Fess up now — have you gone rogue on us?

  11. Tundra Boy says: “You did remember to plant the homing device for the black helicopters I trust.”

    There are certain things one need not be told. Do I ever remind you to scrape the walrus dung off your boots before you enter your home?

  12. The Curmudgeon’s undercover report included this item:

    …a cage full of Galapagos finches — “After all these years, they’re still finches!” — said the guide…

    And, to show how life illustrates art, the redoubtable Moonie Jonathan Wells, in the DI blog of 4 June ( Junk DNA: Darwinism’s Last Stand? writes:

    Despite the hype from Darwin’s followers, the evidence for his theory is underwhelming, at best. Natural selection—like artificial selection—can produce minor changes within existing species. But in the 150 years since the publication of Darwin’s Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, no one has ever observed the origin of a new species by natural selection—much less the origin of new organs and body plans.

    My god, 150 years without a new species, new organ or new body plan in sight??? Darwinism is doooooooommmmeeddd!!!

  13. Great Claw says: “And, to show how life illustrates art, the redoubtable Moonie Jonathan Wells …”

    I tossed in a couple of young-earth items, but otherwise, what I described at Area 69 is pretty much the whole Discoveroid arsenal. Oh, I left out the occasional bits of junk DNA that are sometimes shown to have a function — thus “proving” design. After all, the Designer (blessed be he) wouldn’t let useless junk into our genome.

  14. “…. and even if the MET were true it is not used by anyone with a real job, so why teach it?”