Dear Mentor: Column 1

TODAY, dear reader, to show you that your Curmudgeon is fair and balanced, we proudly introduce a new feature to which we have obtained exclusive world rights: Dear Mentor. Mentor has devoted his life to studying the science of creationism and the catastrophic errors of evolution. He’s here to answer all your questions.

For Mentor’s inaugural appearance, he’ll begin with some questions that he knows are on your mind. How does he know what you’re thinking? It’s beyond our understanding; but he knows. And now, after a bit of decorative scrollwork, the column begins:

• 69696969 •

Question: Dear Mentor, what is the best source for learning about creationism?

Answer: I always recommend the brilliant work of Jack Chick. One should begin with Big Daddy? After that, be sure to see these: In The Beginning, followed by There Go The Dinosaurs. Also you must see: Apes, Lies and Ms. Henn and then Moving On Up! That will give you a firm foundation.

• 69696969 •

Question: Dear Mentor, one of my co-workers is a Darwinist. I can tell from little remarks he’s made from time to time, and also from his attitude toward me. He thinks I’m stupid. I really hate him. What can I do?

Answer: Yours is a common experience, as the Darwinists seem to be everywhere. I suggest two things. First, you should lecture him whenever you can, even when you encounter him by chance in the hallway or the bathroom. Take every opportunity to teach him the error of his ways. Second, regarding your hatred, this is entirely natural but you should try not to think about it. Instead, remind yourself that all misguided Darwinists will spend eternity in the Lake of Fire.

• 69696969 •

Question: Dear Mentor, my daughter started going to college this year, and she’s been dating an evolutionist. Now she tells me that she thinks creationism is silly and she wants to major in biology. I fear that she’ll end up a serial killer and a cannibal. What can I do?

Answer: This is a tragedy which is quite common. You have my sympathy. Try to guide her back to the truth whenever you see her. Speak of nothing else. But if you aren’t successful, then you must recognize that she may be lost forever. Whatever happens, don’t allow her to influence your thinking. You must remain faithful to creationism!

• 69696969 •

Question: Dear Mentor, I was visiting the Creation Museum with my family and a horrible thing happened. A man walked over to one of the exhibits and — this is difficult for me to write about — he … he urinated all over Noah’s Ark! Then he shouted “All creationists are idiots!” My children started crying. He looked at them, laughed, and then he casually strolled out. What should I have done?

Answer: It’s sad, but that’s how Darwinists behave. There was nothing you could have done. It was a good lesson for your children. Perhaps your next visit to that wonderful museum will work out better.

• 69696969 •

That’s it for today, dear reader. Do you have a question for Mentor? If so, there’s no need to send it in. Just think about it and he’ll hear you. If he judges your question worthy, you will have your answer in due course. Keep watching this blog!

Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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12 responses to “Dear Mentor: Column 1

  1. Dear Mentor:

    I know you said that I could just think about my question and you’ll hear me. But a few years ago I started to think that evolution might be true and to save my soul I took a vow never to think again. So far I have been successful. And that’s my question: can not thinking hurt me?

  2. John Pieret asks: “And that’s my question: can not thinking hurt me?”

    Perhaps you’ll get an answer one day. Meanwhile, Mentor added one more question and answer to his column. It’s in dreadfully poor taste, but this is a holiday weekend so maybe no one will notice.

  3. Benjamin Franklin

    Regarding the ‘Daughter in College’ question. If in fact, the boyfriend is an evolutionist, will he not, out of Darwinistic necessity, change, and move past the relationship?

    Not to question the advice of the Mentor, but the mother has nothing to worry about. Except, of course, the fact that the boyfriend will become a Nazi.

  4. I noticed! And I snorted some of my martini out my nose laughing…

  5. What’s with all the “69” page breaks? Maybe that is what is really on the Mentor’s mind?

  6. Page breaks? I hadn’t noticed.

  7. The Gadfly

    Dear Mentor:

    When will the Galapagos be swallowed in a storm of fire and brimstone?

    The Gadfly

  8. teh c’ling kitteh haz all teh anserz.

  9. longshadow

    Dear Mentor™;

    If Eviloootion is true, and if Darwin’s finches came from the Galapagos, how come the Galapagos still exist?

    That don’t make no sense ‘tal.

    -Yur friend,

    Billy-bob, down at the Sawmill

  10. A 69ish page break and he claim I ain’t got no class. Hurumph.

    Hey, I’d like to talk to that mental guy an aks him a question. How do I do that hey? do I hol a button down while I talk or sumpin?

    You shur he kin heer me?

    I just talk’d at him fer 5 minutes and I aint got no answer. Howcom?

    Sheeit, I might as well be talkin to that god feller.

  11. Tundra Boy, I’m informed that Mentor will only respond to those who are pure of heart. I guess you know what that means in your case.

  12. Mentor-

    In one of the Chick tracts, the “professor” talked about whale pelvises. If whales didn’t evolve, then why do they have hindlimb buds when they are embryos?