Creationism: Purity of Essence

Mandrake and Ripper

HAVE you ever wondered why creationists are so oblivious to reason? Why they’re so amazingly blind to facts? Why they continue to insist on their peculiar version of reality?

We attempted to explain the situation here: Debating Creationists: The Big Lie, but that didn’t go far enough. We’ve finally figured it out.

You’ve all seen Doctor Strangelove, and you remember the part where General Jack D. Ripper reveals his motivation to Major Mandrake. This is from the movie script:

Ripper: Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?

Mandrake: Well, no I … I can’t say I have, Jack.

Ripper: Vodka. That’s what they drink, isn’t it? Never water?

Mandrake: Well I … I believe that’s what they drink, Jack. Yes.

Ripper: On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.

Mandrake: Oh, ah, yes. I don’t quite … see what you’re getting at, Jack.

Ripper: Water. That’s what I’m getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth’s surface is water. Why, you realize that … seventy percent of you is water.

Mandrake: Uhhh God …

Ripper: And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.

Mandrake: Yes. [chuckles nervously]

Ripper: You beginning to understand?

Mandrake: Yes. [chuckles. begins laughing/crying quietly]

Ripper: Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?

Mandrake: Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.

Ripper: Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?

Mandrake: Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.

Ripper: Well do you now what it is?

Mandrake: No. No, I don’t know what it is. No.

Ripper: Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?

[…]

Mandrake: Good Lord.

Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?

Mandrake: No. No, I don’t, Jack. No.

Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen forty-six, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard core commie works.

Okay, that’s enough to refresh your memory. Now imagine that Ripper was right — we’ve all been victims of a gigantic plot. But it’s not merely the commies — it’s the Darwinists! They control the commies, of course.

You learn of this (on the internet) and you switch to drinking only pure distilled water. Before long, the drug that has been clouding your mind is purged from your body. You have purified your essence and you can see reality for the first time in your life.

What you see is that all the people in the public school system, all of academia, all the scientists — they have tails! And they have horns on their heads! Yes — they’re Satan’s servants! You can see it clearly, and you understand — at last! — that they’ve been operating a giant conspiracy to indoctrinate everyone with the devil’s lies!

But they can’t fool you any more. Your eyes have been opened. You know them for what they are. You know The Truth.

What should you do? First, you stop listening to their lies. Whatever they say, you ignore it. You’ve become immune to their false doctrines. You take every opportunity to speak out, to post on their websites, to inform your blinded neighbors that everything they’ve been told is false. It’s your duty to do this. For the good of all mankind, the evil must be exposed!

That, dear reader, is how creationists think. That is why you’ll never convince them they’re wrong. It’s why they’re not even listening to what you say.

So the next time you encounter a creationist, think of General Jack D. Ripper. That’s what you’re dealing with.

Copyright © 2009. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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8 responses to “Creationism: Purity of Essence

  1. Thank goodness. From the title, I was worried that the was about some completely OTHER essence they are obsessed with…

    And yes arguing with dyed in the wool creationists are exactly like this. Any and every bit of evidence either reinforces them or is a bit of evil propaganda that reinforces their point even more. I personally refer to this as black hole logic, since everything goes only to one point from which their is no escape.

  2. Odd how we scientists can be right about so many aspects of science, medicine, and technology (clearly the creationists haven’t shunned the fruits of the Enlightenment) yet so wrong on evolution. Thankfully, the Global Darwinist Conspiracy™ keeps everything in line! Heck, most people still think we landed on the Moon!

  3. James F says: “Heck, most people still think we landed on the Moon!”

    The fools!

  4. Its because you don’t have the proper “Worldview,” James F. As soon as you let a pre-selected bias enter your viewpoint, everything will make sense. Math, physics, geology, paleontology, biology… Everything will suddenly, amazingly, fall into a 6000 year old world and evidence to the contrary will not matter or disturb your now perfectly “rational” fantasy world.

  5. Curmudgeon: “You learn of this (on the internet) and you switch to drinking only pure distilled water.”

    It won’t work. The “essence” of F- is distilled along with the H2O. So now you have homeopathic fluoridated water. 😉

  6. Just gotta ask Curm, what do you drink? Not kool-aid I hope.

  7. Single-malt Scotch. It’s the water of life.

  8. retiredsciguy

    “Single-malt Scotch. It’s the water of life.”

    It’s the Scotch Enlightenment.