WE know how to handle the news that creationists are forever stirring up. But the noticeable lack of news about The Controversy this weekend has kept us especially busy here at the CITADEL — The Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his secret underground control room.
What could be causing such an unnaturally quiet news period? It’s certainly not that the creationists have given up their madness and accepted reality — that’s never going to happen. Suspecting that there might be trouble brewing, we began scanning for news far beyond our usual search criteria.
Was there anything historically special about today? Not really. It was on 27 December 1831 that Darwin embarked on the HMS Beagle, but that couldn’t be it. If the other Darwin anniversaries this year didn’t stun the creationists into silence or drive them to violence, the Beagle‘s departure date certainly wouldn’t have any effect.
So we sent our operatives out with instructions to disguise themselves as paparazzi. They went to rock concerts, night clubs, stylish restaurants, and glitzy parties — strange events and venues where science types aren’t usually to be found. And one of them hit pay-dirt!
Therefore, dear reader, your Curmudgeon is the first in the world to report why The Controversy has been so languid lately. The reason is this: The Intelligent Designer is romantically involved with the Tooth Fairy.
Thanks to our diligent operative in Seattle, we have the evidence on tape. Much of it is unintelligible due to rap music in the background, but the tape clearly corroborates this much of our operative’s report:
“We were made for each other,” gushed the tipsy, tutu-clad Tooth Fairy, as she gazed adoringly into the vacant face of the Designer.
“Yes,” the Designer said, “it’s true. It was our destiny. Either one of us alone is formidable, but together — we’re simply fabulous!“
So that’s the big news this weekend. We doubt that a relationship such as theirs — based on literally nothing — can long endure, but while the currently-enthralled pair are keeping each other distracted from their regular activities, all will be quiet in the Creosphere.
How long can this unnatural coupling go on? Each of the supernatural sweethearts is riddled with deficiencies — non-existence being merely one of their more obvious shortcomings — so as soon as they become disenchanted with each other there should be a resumption of the usual of news about The Controversy.
Update: See Intelligent Designer on Holiday, #2.
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