Earn a Degree in Creationism Today!

As advertized on matchbooks

Important News from prestigious Curmudgeon University:

ARE you tired of living a life with no respect? Would you like to move up in the world? Of course you would.

But you don’t want to send your money to some outfit like Patriot University, as Kent Hovind did. Patriot University was so proud of Hovind they used to have a page about him at their website, but it’s been taken down. And here’s the Wikipedia article on Patriot University (which now calls itself Patriot Bible University).

Wouldn’t you rather have a degree with some class? Now, at last, you too can earn an advanced degree from Curmudgeon University based on your life experience!

What kind of degree do you want? We currently offer:

Doctor of Creation Science (Tuition: $250.00)

Doctor of Intelligent Design (Tuition: $350.00)

Doctor of Oogity Boogity (Tuition: $375.00)

Any of the following life experiences will be sufficient to earn your Doctorate. However, to maintain our high standards, we will require proof — in the form of a notarized affidavit — that you qualify:

Living ten years or more under a bridge or its equivalent

Serving five years in prison for wife-beating

Working for an intelligent design think tank

Fathering three out-of-wedlock children (or being one yourself)

Being on welfare continuously for at least five years

Reading at least 50 Jack Chick comics

Spamming science blogs with at least 500 comments containing The Truth copied from creationist websites.

If you are fortunate enough to qualify, then send in your affidavit and the tuition for the degree of your choice. We’ll promptly send you a diploma, suitable for framing.

Impress your friends. Enjoy the respect you deserve. Apply now!

Remember: all Curmudgeon University graduates are fully qualified to Teach the Controversy. (Note: states may impose additional teaching certification requirements.)

Copyright © 2010. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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23 responses to “Earn a Degree in Creationism Today!

  1. What can I get for … {looks in wallet} … $11?

  2. For $11 you can become a minister and get a lunch, I suppose.

  3. I wanna Doctorate from CU! But it’s a bit of a stretch to find a qualifying life experience. Closest I can get is

    Reading at least 50 Jack Chick comics

    But is it ok if I just looked at the pictures?

  4. And btw, does CU have a mission statement, and maybe even a latin motto? If not, perhaps your readers can make suggestions. I’ll kick this off by proposing

    Nihil Sine Oogitum Boogitum

  5. On reflection, there seems to be a bit of mis-branding here. I would expect a mail-order degree from the Curmudgeon University to be in–well, curmudgeonosity.

    Now, setting up a scam for milking gullible creationists does seem a worthy project, but I think your Institution of Mail-Order Learning needs a different ‘brand’ name.

    So how about, Luskin University? And — if you get a p.o. box in New York, it could even be known as LUNY.

  6. Great Claw suggests: “Nihil Sine Oogitum Boogitum”

    I like it. But “sine” is one of the prepositions that takes the ablative case. Probably “Oogito Boogito.”

  7. The Curmudgeon scholarly corrected:

    But “sine” is one of the prepositions that takes the ablative case

    My bad.

    By way of penance, I’m writing out Romani ite domum 100 times.

    Romani ite domum
    Romani ite domum
    Romani ite domum
    Romani ite domum
    Romani ite domum
    &c. &c.

  8. Great Claw, you have inspired us. All mail-order universities advertise on matchbook covers. A sample now adorns the post.

  9. I’m now wondering, after seeing your promotional matchbook cover, if there isn’t also a regular Latin verb as follows:

    oogito, -are; to dismiss empirical data in favour of mystical mumbo jumbo

    This verb was famously used by the French Creationist, Rene Discoveroidartes, who famously stated: Oogito, ergo sum

  10. Great claw says: “Oogito, ergo sum.”

    Yes, that’s true. But due to mockery from his students, he unfortunately became better known for saying: “Oogito, ergo boogito.”

  11. Or even

    Oogito, ergo dumb

  12. If I only lived 5 years under a bridge and read 2 Jack Chick comics, can I get a Masters?

    I also recommend you adopt the distinctive “M.O.” (Masters of Oogity) for any masters program you have, rather than the plebian M.A. or M.S.

  13. eric asks: “If I only lived 5 years under a bridge and read 2 Jack Chick comics, can I get a Masters?”

    We don’t give out anything but doctorates, and even if we awarded a Masters degree, we wouldn’t bend our strict rules. Sorry, but either you qualify or you don’t. But if you like, you can still cheer at our games:

    C! U!
    Woo Hoo!
    Oogity Boo!

  14. How do I contact your Office of Financial Aid ?

  15. I am willing to go on welfare and live under a bridge. I’ll even cat around and pop the old lady one in the kisser, but no degree is worth debasing myself by working at an intelligent design think tank.

  16. obfg asks: “How do I contact your Office of Financial Aid ?”

    You don’t understand. We want your money, and we have no desire to let you have any of ours.

  17. Unfortunately I lack all of those qualifications, but I think I have something at least as good. Thanks to Excel I have composed over one million sound bites against evolution. Here are 3 examples:

    1. Neo-Darwinism, or the conjecture that we are just an accident is a theory not fact. Students must be taught abrupt appearance theory because we must fight the liberal activists who are hijacking science.

    2. Godless Evolutionism is a faith that glorifies racism, homosexuality and eugenics. Students must be taught that Darwinists are lying atheists because it’s fascism to do otherwise.

    3. Materislistic Evolutionism is a religion, not science. Students must be taught there was no Big Bang because most people think it’s fair.

    (Most of you should figure out how I arrived at one million)

  18. Tomato Addict asks: “What can I get for … {looks in wallet} … $11?”

    Lunch for two at Burger King.

  19. Clearly, we need the accoutrements of higher learning to go with the establishment of the august academic institution:

    – a football team
    – pennants (those triangular shaped cloth thingies that say GO CURMUDGEONS!
    – Curmudgeon U beer mugs, tee shirts, caps, and beer cozies.

    etc.

    I see a major marketing opportunity in the offing.

  20. Longie says: “I see a major marketing opportunity in the offing.”

    As Supreme Chancellor of Curmudgeon University, I’m always looking for additional sources of revenue. But I’m talking about serious money. Not tee shirts and beer cozies. That’s not appropriate for an august institution like CU.

  21. Ordination AND lunch! This has been a good day.

  22. I’m interested in the Doctor of Creation Science diploma. Can I just lie about my qualifications?

  23. cultus asks: “Can I just lie about my qualifications?”

    A true creationist should know the answer. But make sure your check is good.