After years of solitary research, your Curmudgeon can at last reveal to the world his latest and most astounding scientific breakthrough — the much needed and long anticipated Slime-O-Meter™. It’s pronounced Sly-MOM-iter — as with speedometer, the accent is on the second syllable.
This precise, highly advanced scientific instrument is capable of giving exact readings for specific creationist claims, and these readings are guaranteed to be objective, regardless of the sect to which a creationist adheres.
That’s right — the Slime-O-Meter™ works not only for those denominations that follow a literal reading of Genesis, it also works if the creationist is Hindu, Voodoo, Zulu, Seattle Slough, Hoodoo, Muslim, Hare Krishna, or Raelian, a sect based entirely on intelligent design (ID).
The Slime-O-Meter™ even works for creationism espoused by the Unification Church, founded by Rev. Sun Myung Moon. As you know, one of Moon’s followers, Jonathan Wells, is a leading intellectual in the ID movement and a Senior Fellow at the Discovery Institute. See: The Genius of Jonathan Wells.
It also works for that exotic combination of creeds professed by Bobby Jindal, the Exorcist.
The Slime-O-Meter™ seeks out and reliably detects the presence and intensity of the Oogity Boogity factor in any variety of creationism. The Slime-O-Meter™ sees all, knows all, and tells all.
As shown on the printout which adorns this post, adapted from Carl Sagan’s Pioneer plaque, the readings are on an exquisitely calibrated scale starting at Ankle Deep and gradually increasing in magnitude through the grades of Knee Deep, Hip Deep, Chest Deep, Neck Deep, all the way to the maximum reading of Deluge, indicating that the flood of creationist slime is cataclysmic.
We intend to deploy this instrument in our scholarly labors here, but it also has national security implications. The Department of Homeland Security has expressed interest in purchasing several units for use at airports, to assure that mentally unstable people can no longer jeopardize airline safety.
There is no need for you to express your admiration. Serving humanity is its own reward.
Copyright © 2010. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.