Traditional Americans, Texas Style

W. Edward Murphy

THIS post is an all-time record-setter, not only for us, but probably for anyone. Twice in one month we are visiting the Alvin Sun-Advertiser of Alvin, Texas to discuss yet another article by that legendary Texas intellect, W. Edward Murphy. You’ll soon see why they call him Murph the Nerf.

Our last post about Murphy’s writing was Creationist Discovers the Missing Link! Today’s article shows that there’s much more to Murph than merely being wiser than all the world’s biologists put together. Today, Murph is talking about politics.

Our task here is tricky, because most of Murph’s article is unobjectionable to us. Therefore, we’ll pick out only the parts that … well, you’ll see.

We present to you, dear reader, some excerpts from The (Great) Need for T.E.A. Parties. We don’t have the sophistication to understand the nuances of Murph’s title, but that’s not important. He starts like this, with bold font added by us:

See what you think of this description of “traditional” Americans:

As we said, much of this is unobjectionable; for example, here’s an excerpt from the middle:

They [traditional Americans] believe in a strong military, and in calling our enemies what they are. For example, calling Muslim terrorists Muslim terrorists.

They believe in legal immigration, with English as the language of the country.

See what we mean? We won’t bother with that kind of material because it’s really just padding, like tossing in mom and apple pie. What caught our attention was right in the beginning, so we’ll break Murph’s first paragraph down into its three separate sentences. Here it comes:

Traditional Americans believe in God, and are passionately loyal to our country.

That’s probably true. Let’s read on:

They believe the Constitution, based on Biblical principles, is the greatest document ever written to conduct the affairs of a nation.

That’s not footnoted, but Murph is obviously referring to the Epistles of James Madison. Without that sacred writing, the only political guidance anyone could ever get out of the bible is a bunch of lore about kings and kingdoms, on earth and in heaven. We continue:

They believe in Intelligent Design, and an Intelligent Designer.

Aaaargh!!

Murph’s next paragraph reverts back to reality — it looks like he’s having what they call a “lucid moment”:

They believe in their right to own property, and to bear arms. They believe in small government, and loathe high taxes.

That’s fine. The rest of it is pretty normal stuff — at least for your Curmudgeon. Click over there and read it if you’re a fan of Murph the Nerf. We have more important things to do.

Like what? At the moment, we’re testing our recently perfected, top secret InterStall™ bathroom listening device, which one of our operatives placed in the men’s room of the Alvin Sun-Advertiser. Let’s see … yes, we’re getting a transmission now:

Stall One: Ah cain’t find mah tush!

Stall Two: Try using both hands, Murph. That’s the way we do it here in Texas.

Stall One: Okay. [*Pause*] Ah still cain’t find it!

In conclusion, we have a bit of advice for Murphy: Shut up!! You’re discrediting the only alternative we have to what’s going in Washington city. No one in his right mind will vote GOP if its spokesmen are a pack of flaming creationist bozos.

Copyright © 2010. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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3 responses to “Traditional Americans, Texas Style

  1. “No one in his right mind will vote GOP if its spokesmen are a pack of flaming creationist bozos.”

    Given your preference for small, non-obtrusive government, lower spending, and individual social and economic rights, I think what you meant to say was, “No one in his right mind will vote GOP.”

  2. Lewis Thomason

    Don’t make to much fun of Murf after all he is typical of most of small town Texas. If he would run for congress from his district and lose god would put him on the state school board.

  3. SY says:

    I think what you meant to say was, “No one in his right mind will vote GOP.”

    It’s getting increasingly difficult to spot the lesser of the two evils.