Weekend Spam Report (27 Jun 2010)

YOUR Curmudgeon’s fame as a friend of people in need has sent our email address around the globe. Today we received a heartbreaking email with this subject line: I beg you in the name of God.. I need you.

Naturally, we were interested. It came from a gmail account and was addressed to: undisclosed-recipients. It certainly seemed legitimate, so we immediately read it. Here’s what it says, with typos left intact, and with bold font added by us:

I beg you in the name of God.. I need you assistance, my name is Stella Sigcau, I?m 23yrs old orphan girl in Bujumbura refugee camp in Ghana.

A 23-year old orphan girl? Immediately our paternal interest was aroused, so we kept reading:

My parents were killed in a ghastly car accident six months ago, but I know it was the work of our enemies due to a land dispute belonging to my dad where gold was found.

Gold? Gold!!! Let’s read on:

My dad was a cocoa farmer and he acquired many landed properties, so after my parents? death his brothers took over all our family properties and they gave my hand in marriage to a 61 years old village chief, I didn’t like it so I refuse and I ran away from our village to Bujumbura refugee camp.

Her evil uncles gave this innocent orphan girl to a drooling old village chief? The thought of his lecherous hands on our tender young Stella is too revolting to contemplate. We continue:

My uncles wanted to kill me when they discovered that I took my father’s bank documents which he uses to lodge some money in a bank last year. They wanted to kill me so that they can inherit my father’s properties and the money; so I have to run and hid in the refugee camp for safety that is where I am now.

Have you ever heard a more lamentable tale? But she has the bank documents! Here’s more:

I want to leave Ghana and come to your country and further my education because my life is no safer here.

What a wonderful girl. She wants to come here to further her education. Moving along:

My father deposited some money in a bank here with my name as the beneficiary before he died, so i want to transfer the money out of Ghana to your country so that I can invest it into a good lucrative business in your country for my future and at the same time further my education there. The money is seven million dollars.

Wow — seven million dollars! Another excerpt:

My reason of writing you is to ask you to assist me in coming over to your country and also to help me to invest the money in a lucrative business there while I further my studies. Please If you can help me to achieve this I am ready to offer you 20% of the money as compensation for you assistance.

A cool $1.4 million. That sounds like a fair fee for arranging transportation and telling her to invest in a no-load index fund, doesn’t it? Here’s how the email ends:

1) Your Full Name:
2) Phone, Fax and Mobile
3) Profession, Age and Marital Status.
4) Nationality

thanks and God bless you

That’s strange. How did “Stella Sigcau” at the start of the email become “Stella/Micheal” at the end? And doesn’t “she” already know your Curmudgeon’s nationality? If not, why would she seek our assistance in coming to our country? And why does she need our fax number? Do they have fax machines in the Bujumbura refugee camp in Ghana?

Despite our questions, we plan to give the girl all the help we can. The thought of her in the arms of that creepy village chief is infuriating.

Stella, we know you’re reading our blog, so if you’ll send us our 20%, we’ll happily put you in touch with a travel agent. They’ll arrange for a limo to pick you up at the refugee camp and take you to the bank where you can withdraw your father’s money in the form of two checks — one for the travel agent and the rest as a cashier’s check, payable to you. Then they’ll take you to the nearest US Consulate where you can apply for a visa. After that they’ll drop you off at the airport. Then, darlin’, you’re on your own.

But first, send us our 20%. Then trust your Curmudgeon. We’re here to help.

Copyright © 2010. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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5 responses to “Weekend Spam Report (27 Jun 2010)

  1. This lady has certainly had her share of misfortune in the last few years.
    Mugabe murdered her white father in Zimbabwe.
    Africa can be harsh on the wealthy.

  2. retiredsciguy

    Don’t get your hopes up, Curmy. She’s already turned down one 61-yr.-old lecher. Now, don’t try to deny it — we’ve read all your posts about Olivia.

  3. Charley Horse says: “Mugabe murdered her white father in Zimbabwe.”

    It’s probably a common name. Just a coincidence.

  4. retiredsciguy says: “She’s already turned down one 61-yr.-old lecher.”

    My interest in the young lady is entirely honorable. Olivia, well, that’s a private matter.

  5. retiredsciguy

    Curmy says, “Olivia, well, that’s a private matter.”

    Oh, c’mon now. You’re being too modest. You have more readers than that.