Creationists’ DNA Sequenced: Stunning Results!

Creationist Ancestry Revealed

THIS is an important announcement from the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.

As you know, our activities extend beyond mere surveillance. Our la-BOR-a-tories are engaged in cutting-edge research. One of our teams is busily developing an anti-gravity machine — which will soon be operational. Another team has almost completed the prototype of a functional time machine. A third team is conducting faster-then-light research. Yet another is about to perfect a perpetual motion machine.

But we’ve never before disclosed what’s been going on in our most superbly equipped la-BOR-a-tory, which is devoted to evolutionary biology. There we’ve been been secretly engaged in our most ambitious project — sequencing the DNA of creationists. Samples from several representative individuals were obtained from fluids left on the podium after creationist revival meetings which were attended by our operatives for this purpose.

The preliminary results have been analyzed, and the findings are totally unexpected. To our great surprise — and as they’ve always insisted — creationists are not related to monkeys — nor to modern humans. This is true for all samples we studied.

As it is with the rest of us, a substantial portion of their DNA is traceable to very primitive creatures. But the remainder — nearly half — is attributable to their recent descent from three specific species: the toad, the skunk, and the weasel. There seems to be no trace of any ape-like ancestor who has made any contribution to their genetic inheritance. Appearances to the contrary are entirely due to convergent evolution.

These findings, which we expect to be validated by further tests and peer-review, are consistent with observations of creationist behavior, and they entirely explain the existence of the previously incomprehensible Controversy between evolution and creationism.

We will keep you advised of further developments.

Copyright © 2010. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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7 responses to “Creationists’ DNA Sequenced: Stunning Results!

  1. Ha, ha! “la-BOR-a-tory” That’s the way Olivia would pronounce it.

    Just sayin’ …

  2. it would seem that our friendly curmudgeon may have discovered the benefits of smoking frop… 8)

  3. Are you sure there wasn’t any cockroach DNA in those samples? Maybe you ought to run them again.


    “Luxurious underground control room”

    It’s so hard to keep up with the Jones’ Mudgeon’s! Maybe I should submit a facilities grant?

  4. Given the way they keep rolling the same ball of crap around over and over every year, for decades, I’m surprised they haven’t any dung beetle ancestry.

  5. Tomato Addict asks:

    Are you sure there wasn’t any cockroach DNA in those samples?

    There actually was quite a bit, but it could have been contamination from conditions at the creationist revivals, so we decided to exclude it from our findings.

  6. Oh course!

    So this is why they keep saying that grandpa was no monkey!

    Thanks Curmy, one less mystery to keep my mind occupied.

  7. Darn you, SC! How many times do I have to tell you that keyboards and soda don’t mix!

    This is SOOO all your fault.