THIS is an important announcement from the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.
As you know, our activities extend beyond mere surveillance. Our la-BOR-a-tories are engaged in cutting-edge research. One of our teams is busily developing an anti-gravity machine — which will soon be operational. Another team has almost completed the prototype of a functional time machine. A third team is conducting faster-then-light research. Yet another is about to perfect a perpetual motion machine.
But we’ve never before disclosed what’s been going on in our most superbly equipped la-BOR-a-tory, which is devoted to evolutionary biology. There we’ve been been secretly engaged in our most ambitious project — sequencing the DNA of creationists. Samples from several representative individuals were obtained from fluids left on the podium after creationist revival meetings which were attended by our operatives for this purpose.
The preliminary results have been analyzed, and the findings are totally unexpected. To our great surprise — and as they’ve always insisted — creationists are not related to monkeys — nor to modern humans. This is true for all samples we studied.
As it is with the rest of us, a substantial portion of their DNA is traceable to very primitive creatures. But the remainder — nearly half — is attributable to their recent descent from three specific species: the toad, the skunk, and the weasel. There seems to be no trace of any ape-like ancestor who has made any contribution to their genetic inheritance. Appearances to the contrary are entirely due to convergent evolution.
These findings, which we expect to be validated by further tests and peer-review, are consistent with observations of creationist behavior, and they entirely explain the existence of the previously incomprehensible Controversy between evolution and creationism.
We will keep you advised of further developments.
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