Amazing Genius Answers All Questions

Thanks to a press release from an outfit called PR NewsChannel, your Curmudgeon can bring you what is perhaps the most astounding news we’ve ever seen.

What is PR NewsChannel? We don’t know, but here’s their price list. The cost of a “publishing” press release is $150, so that’s probably what we’ve found. It’s titled: Counselor prepares readers for 2012, changes required to survive. It’s about a book by someone named Gary J. McDonald. He’s described like this, with a bit of bold added by us:

Gary J. McDonald holds dual bachelor degrees in business administration and marketing and finance from the University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee, and a Master of Arts in counseling from the University of Colorado in Colorado Springs. A licensed professional counselor in Colorado, the author is well-versed in spiritual subject matter, trained in past-life regression, and has worked with Celtic, Native American, and Peruvian shamans. As a businessman and entrepreneur, McDonald has dedicated his life to humanitarian work both nationally and internationally.

Impressive résumé, isn’t it? And here’s the Amazon listing for his book: Everything You Need to Know to Get to Heaven: Decoding the Bible – The Secret Behind 2012. A formidable title indeed! Now we’ll give you some excerpts from the author’s exciting press release, with bold added by us:

Gary J. McDonald’s [book] offers a controversial decoding of the Bible’s New Testament that explains why only 144,000 souls will enter the gates of heaven. The work seeks to redefine the Holy Trinity by merging the concepts of an intelligent, omnipresent being with scientific principles, new-age concepts, and major religions. The diverging concepts of intelligent design and evolutionary theory are blended into one compatible hypothesis, offering a solution to the theory of everything for which scientists have been frantically searching.

Wow — that is fantastic! Let’s read on:

McDonald provides convincing hypotheses concerning Darwin’s ‘missing link,’ the evolution of consciousness, and the mysteries behind the Big Bang theory. McDonald also discloses what he has found to be eye-opening biblical revelations, such as Jesus being the reincarnation of Adam and that we are living during Armageddon. The book combines McDonald’s ideas on new-age concepts, such as chakras, parallel lives, and reincarnation, with his belief that seven heavens exist. He also argues that an infinite number of parallel universes surrounds us, and that we are all multidimensional beings.

We have never encountered anything like this before. The mind boggles. We continue:

As a licensed professional counselor, Gary J. McDonald presents his surprisingly simple, yet effective, techniques for making positive life changes, just as the world approaches a major shift in evolution of consciousness set to occur in 2012, as prophesied by Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, the Hopi Elders, the Mayan Indians, and the Bible. The author clarifies, “This is not the end of time, just the end of time as we know it.”

That’s it, dear reader. We know you won’t pass this one up. It’s the book you’ve been waiting for all your life.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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12 responses to “Amazing Genius Answers All Questions

  1. The woo is strong in this one master, can we shoot him? Metaphorically speaking of course. We’ll use snide put-downs and sharply barbed sarcasm, unless those weapons are reserved for the attack-gerbil.

  2. He deserves your respect, Tundra Boy. Even awe.

  3. He also argues that an infinite number of parallel universes surrounds us, and that we are all multidimensional beings.

    And here I thought I was just a line, a one-dimensional being.

    I wonder now, am I a two-dimensional being, three-dimensional, or how many, exactly? I realize now that I can probably send off for the book, since I have at least two-dimensional capability, but it might very well depend on how many dimensions there are for me to know just where and how to send off for the book.

  4. E-books are two-dimensional, and physical books are three-dimensional, right? So you need to not only know your own dimensions, but also the dimensions of the book you seek.

    The lesson I learn from this is that if this guy can write a book, any one of us could do it much better. Make up a bunch of woo, mix it up with a blend of mystical and scientific jargon, and promise the reader eternal life or multiple orgasms or hidden knowledge of the universe, whatever, …and it will sell, and you might get a few groupies. The only price to pay is surrendering your integrity and your reputation – but money and groupies….

  5. I’ll keep waiting.
    Did you get a copy of the book in the mail?

    pz got one

  6. I didn’t mean to imply PZ got the same book. The one he got sounds really bizarre.

  7. retiredsciguy

    Strange that a guy with a degree in marketing would limit the saleability of his book to just one year. I trust he plans to spend his entire marketing budget during 2011.

  8. can someone over that side of the pond please explain what the hell it is with you US guys and this madass endtimes millenial apocalypse cack?

  9. I always liked the 144,000 thing…it provides a great argument against proselytization. There’s no point in knocking on my front door if you’ve already reached God’s, um, pledge goal. So go away.

  10. Sandman: can someone over that side of the pond please explain what the hell it is with you US guys and this madass endtimes millenial apocalypse cack?

    I’ll give you two mutually exclusive explanations. Pick the one you like, or neither. 🙂

    You can generally tell someone’s prosperity by what they complain about. In the U.S., we have a lot of very prosperous people with no real problems, so they make up crap like this in order to have something to worry about. My guess is that if you put the entire country on a strict diet, 90% of this crap would disappear.

    An alternate explanation is that it’s a form of escapism: people inventing problems to distract themselves from real problems that are much harder to deal with. So for example, we invent stories about dangerous evil strangers because the truth (95% of kid abductions and abuse come from people you know) is too awful to think about, as well as being a much more difficult problem to solve than keeping your kid away from strangers.

  11. The press release looks like an search engine marketing algorithm might have created it. It’s got all of the right key words and phrases.

  12. lastyear: My thoughts exactly.
    Randomly-generated books will be the next step in spambot evolution.

    At the very least, this man deserves our praise for managing to juggle with so many utterly incompatible belief systems in a single book/brain.
    Think-tanks should hire him so that his exceptional mind can be devoted to problem solving.
    I’ll be waiting eagerly for his book on how to solve the global economic crisis and reduce the US budget deficit and improve social justice and satisfy corporate interests without cutting government spending, lowering wages, raising taxes or breaking the law.