From AIG: The Noah’s Ark Collector Kit

The way we see it, if you’re going to be a creationist, you should go all the way. In a world corrupted by Darwinism, you must completely surround yourself with reminders of creationism, so that evil thoughts have no opportunity to influence the purity of your beliefs. Yes, you’re thinking, that’s good advice, but how can one do this?

They make it easy for you at Answers in Genesis (AIG), one of the major sources of young-earth creationist wisdom. AIG is the online ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo), the creationist Australian entrepreneur who has become the ayatollah of Appalachia. He also brought you the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum.

The folks at AIG have a gift shop loaded with creationist books, DVDs and trinkets. The last time we told you about one of their wonders, it was the Ten-Foot Wide Creationist Wall Chart. Today, dear reader, we’re informing you about some of their Noah’s Ark goodies.

First, there’s the Noah’s Ark Poster. It’s 12 x 16 inches, and it’s “Just like the popular display in the Creation Museum!” It costs only three bucks, so you can easily afford to get one for every room of your house. Don’t forget to get them for all the bathrooms, because these posters are ideal to gaze upon during those quiet moments of contemplation.

Next on our list of must-have items is the Flood Card Set. It’s 10 sets of 5 cards each. Only five bucks — a real bargain! You should keep them where they’ll be immediately at hand for reference and inspiration, probably on your desk. AIG says:

A series of five captivating, colorful, and informative collector cards giving evidence for the global flood of the Bible and its results. A unique witnessing tool! (50-card set—10 of each design.)

But that’s not all. How about the Noah’s Ark Paper Model. This comes in two sizes, but you’ll want the large one; it’s 32 x 5 x 6 inches. It’ll look great over the fireplace. AIG says:

Based on the new conceptual design of Noah’s Ark by researcher Tim Lovett, this scale model is a great way to bring the Ark to life from the pages of Scripture!

Then, for your kitchen, there’s the Noah’s Ark Magnet. These cost only two bucks, so you can not only have one — or two! — on your refrigerator, but you can give them as gifts to everyone you know. AIG says:

Bring reminders of the inerrancy of the Bible to your kitchen by displaying this beautiful visual account of the Ark. A great conversation starter!

And finally, no collection would be complete without a Noah’s Ark Keychain. This essential item costs only two bucks. We’re told that this is:

A great memento or gift from the Creation Museum. Printed in white text on corner of keychain: “CREATION MUSEUM, Prepare to believe”

So there you are, dear reader. Why do you hesitate? Get them all! Get them now! But it’s probably best if you don’t tell ’em the Curmudgeon sent you.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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9 responses to “From AIG: The Noah’s Ark Collector Kit

  1. I’m afraid that a caricature of a carnival barker selling “Pink and Pleasant Plastic Jesus” action figures would look soooooooooo much like ol’ Hambo.
    Poe Hambo!

  2. I wonder if they have a problem with counterfeiting or piracy?

  3. Souvenirs of a worldwide genocide by an irritated deity. How nice. Everyone should have one.

    I think the ark model would look especially cool if it came with a tiny Darth Vadar action figure.

  4. AIG is so clueless about boats that they have a rudder which cannot possibly work because there is no means of creating forward velocity for it to have any effect.

    It would be impossible to make a boat that size anyway.

    And how did they accomodate the parasites and their required ecosystem?

    Oh – wait – we’ve been through this before.

  5. Chris P says:

    AIG is so clueless about boats that they have a rudder which cannot possibly work because there is no means of creating forward velocity for it to have any effect.

    Ah, but you’re wrong! The ark was propelled by the massive flow of animal waste shooting out the back.

  6. “AIG is so clueless about boats. . . . .”
    Absolutely correct!
    AiG is also clueless about physics, chemistry, astronomy, anthropology, geology, archaeology, . . . . . .
    But they are excellent at sucking money out of the pockets of the benighted, pasty-faced, knuckle dragging ignoramuses that shuffle through their “museum” headed straight for the gift shop.

  7. As an aside, it’s useful to remember what the bible says about the ark, in Genesis 6.

    14 So make yourself an ark of cypress[c] wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. 15 This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high.[d] 16 Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one cubit[e] high all around.[f] Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks.

    That’s it. Four sentences.

  8. The bracketed letters in the verse are some sort of artifact of my cut-n-paste.

  9. no steel reinforcing rods? no conveyor belts for feeding and poop removal? no climate controlled special ecosystems for the parasites, bacteria, fungi? no special cooling cases to freeze the viruses? what about the attached water tanks with salinity control for the fish species that can’t tolerate the sudden loss of sea salinity?

    never mind, it’s already been covered anyway.

    i’ll pop right over to AIG to secure my ark supplies now!