Curmudgeonly Desperation: It’s Joke Time!

We should be pleased when there’s no news of The Controversy between evolution and creationism. What such lulls mean is that — at least for now — the creationism bills are dying in state legislatures, the few pathetic court cases (Coppedge and that California Science Museum thing) are quiescent, and the Discoveroids are in between major initiatives.

There’s never any news from ICR. They pioneered the “modern” creation science movement, and therefore we check in with them for old times’ sake; but all their posts are trivial variations on the same formula: “Lookie here, more proof of Ooogity Booogity!” Over at AIG, Ken Ham is little more than a predictable crank, but he’s successful promoter and he advertises on Fox, so we keep an eye on him. For now he’s making noise, not news.

So we wait, and while we do so we are compelled to offer you the blogging equivalent of junk food, and this post is a good example. But look on the bright side — this is your opportunity to demonstrate your skill at a rare form of humor — creationism jokes. Your Curmudgeon will go first, with this woeful offering:

An evolutionary biologist, a creationist, and a great white shark walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, gents, but it’s closing time.”

The biologist looks at his watch, nods, and turns to leave. The creationist begins to rant about viewpoint discrimination and academic freedom. But just when he’s getting warmed up, the great white bites off his head and half of his torso. Then the shark turns to join the biologist at the exit.

The biologist says: “What did I tell you?”

The shark replies: “You were right. That wasn’t very nourishing, but it sure was easy!”

Yeah, yeah, we know. That was horrible. Okay, dear reader, let’s see if you can do better. You know the rules — keep the language up to our Curmudgeonly standards. Otherwise, go for it.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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12 responses to “Curmudgeonly Desperation: It’s Joke Time!

  1. It’s not a written joke, but just googling around for a bit of humor, I ran across this…

  2. (Borrowed from a website) The stupid arguments for creationism can be applied to other questions about human origins as well:

    Ovulation versus cretinism

    Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.

    In reality, however, many of the world’s leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

    Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

    1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

    2. The alleged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

    3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

    4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

    5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

    6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

  3. comradebillyboy

    Schools should teach the stork theory of birth as an alternative explanation for the teens who have been exposed to ‘abstinence only’ sex education.

    The comic strip “This Modern World” did a hilarious bit on the stork theory idea with advocates of teaching the stork theory of birth with straight up creationist arguments about teaching all points of view etc.

  4. Ol’ Ken says he will be fine
    for he knows of the design
    in his ponderous judgement
    all is intelligent
    let us all hope he will resign

  5. It helps if you know the players, but this is last week’s rant from me at AtBC… I’ll let SC make the final decision on appropriateness… it may have questionable bits.
    In all honesty, if it wasn’t for you guys belling the cat in it’s litterbox, UD would be the biggest, most useless circle jerk since the fall of the USSR’s Politburo.

    I suspect we’d see a blackhole of tard, at least until the denzions passed their own Schwarzschild radius. At that point, they will create their own private server that no one else can see or visit and hopefully, they would never venture off of it.

    Joe could sit in his mom’s basement and blabber on about the mating habits of asexual organisms, the obviousness that trees made of steel could be taller than trees made of wood, and the ultimate expression of IDiocy, a multi-Megayear study of the fungus growing on the edge of his toilet that slowly becomes intelligent and tells him what a douche he actually is.

    Gordon, could write epically long posts where he repeats “Onlookers note” millions of times. The rate at which modern storage hardware is becoming larger and cheaper means that it could someday reach the point where the amount of storage could contain the nearly infinite ramblings of his monkey brain. If infinitely many monkeys on infinitely many typewriters in an infinite amount of time can develop the works of Shakespeare, what works would be the result of one monkey on one keyboard in whatever remains of his pathetic life?

    O’Leary would find that a pure coffee diet is the ultimate weightloss program. At some point after her 300 billionth post, she realizes that he has become a thin layer of skin flopped onto an ergonomic office chair with an intrevenous drip of COFFEE!!! and a spray bottle of moisterizer set on a 10 minute timer. She will, unfortunately, remain the closest thing to an actual human in the UD-hole.*

    Other, specially** invited guests will occasionally join, but much like a roach motel, the self-congratulatory behavior and positive forced-feedback system within the UD-hole will forever trap those within. They will be unable to communicate with anyone outside of their limted circle of intellectual equals***.

    Our only hope to study the UD-hole will be to watch the pieces of intellect that escape from the hole as others are specially invited in. These pieces of intellect will tell us a great deal about the activities within the hole (thereby proving that Hawkins was correct and some information can escape).

    Snippets of wisdom will begin with complex equations and deep philosophical utterings. While these would be easily proven incorrect by a particularly bright Australian sheepdog, there is at least a semblence of mental accument. As time passes, the UD-hole will grow, yet thanks to our knowledge of thermodynamics, the intellilectual ability within the hole will be spread out among a larger and larger volume until finally we get phrases like, “dog food can be a nutritional supplement, I saw it in a movie” and “my toes smell like rancid horse ejacula”.

    Soon, no actual directly translatable communication will exist and we will be forced to assign meaning to occasional outburst of grunting and making inferences about the author from the mere tonal qualities of seemingly random bits of data. (For example: “Urkula” might mean, “Joe, quit saying ID is not anti-evolution you idiot. No one can hear us in here. We can talk freely now.”****)

    Those you who wish to prevent this from occurring, my hat is off to you. For you are tangling with a force more powerful than any yet discovered in the natural world. Even gravity fades to insignificance over the light-years, but stupidity is remorseless.

    *With respect to Dr. Who.

    **”Small Bus”, not “unique”

    ***and a subset of small African dung beetles (termites in Joe’s case).

    **** Although, some actual scientists studying the phenomenon will submit that the same phrase is also uttered when a UD-hole denzion is dealing with a particularly difficult bowel evacuation.

  6. ogremkv says: “I’ll let SC make the final decision on appropriateness…”

    It doesn’t seem to fit anywhere, but this is probably the right place to have it.

  7. What do creationists use for bait?

    Flat earthworms!

    Now, that’s funny! If you cruise around the creationistsphere you will find Zero Humor. None. Nada. Nary a shred. Not even a titter.

    One of the defining traits of a creationist is humorlessness. Devoid of mirth. Absent of absinthe, perhaps. Simply not funny.

    Can you imagine Luskin, Dembski, Meyer or Ham as stand-up comics?

    How about the denizens of the Panda’s Thumb, After the Bar Closes? An evening with Louis or Doc Bill or Lou or Kristine would be a hoot! A night to remember! Can you imagine spending an evening with Luskin, Wells or Crowther? Please, gouge my eyes out with a spoon first!

    No, it’s the mark of Cain on creationists that they couldn’t tell a funny story if their souls depended on it and, you know, wouldn’t it be cool if St. Peter’s first comment to you at the Pearly Gates was, “Make me laugh,” with his hand on the lever and you’re standing on a trap door.

    I’d be a shoo in with, “Well, a rabbi, a penguin and Dembski walk into a bar …”

  8. Doc Bill says:

    Flat earthworms! Now, that’s funny!


    One of the defining traits of a creationist is humorlessness.

    They have jokes. There’s the old standby that ends with “Get your own dirt!” They can get a howl out of their fellow creationists by saying: “A Darwinist fell into a manhole! Har-de-har-har!”

    I’d be a shoo in with, “Well, a rabbi, a penguin and Dembski walk into a bar …”

    You think that beats “A biologist, a creationist, and a great white shark walk into a bar”?

  9. I’d tell the one about Moses and Jesus on the golf course, but the punchline would get me banned.

  10. I argue that creationists can be hysterically funny. The thing is, they never intend to be. But think how many good laughs we’ve had over Ken Ham’s posts at AiG, Casey and Klinghoffer at DI, etc. Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to distinguish creationist writing from an essay in The Onion.

    Dinosaurs on the ark? I laugh every time I think about it, and imagine the scene inside the ship…clever raptors escaping their cage and stalking Noah’s family, ala Jurassic Park…

    Of course, those kids had to be pretty old, since Noah was 600. He had three sons, one of which was coincidently named Ham, but no grandkids. (Ham of course is the one that saw his drunken father naked shortly after the flood, and for this unintentional perversity was cursed to forever be the slave of the other two. I can’t help but think of the unfortunate persecuted Ham of the myth every time I read something by Ken Ham on the ark, which of course adds even more humor to what Ham is saying).

  11. Tomato Addict

    I Googled Sy’s joke, and it’s not banning material. Unless maybe there another version I did find?

    Meanwhile, I just found this via @Laelaps:

  12. Tomato Addict says: “Meanwhile, I just found this”

    That’s good.