This is the official announcement of your Curmudgeon’s own project, the War on Arbor Day™.
Unlike the contrived nonsense and phony outrage over the so-called war on Christmas, our campaign is serious. What’s our complaint against Arbor Day? That “holiday” purports to promote niceness toward trees — or some such silly purpose. But don’t be confused.
There’s no Darwinian connection to Arbor Day. It has nothing to do with our biological kinship with all living things, and it’s certainly not about recalling our long-ago habitat which is still enjoyed by our arboreal cousins. Instead, it’s a new-age, fuzzy-thinking, tree-hugging, feel-good affair. It’s weak and insipid, a stupid celebration suitable only for fools and Nancy-boys. It could easily be celebrated by creationists
The history of Arbor Day is a muddled affair, and it’s rather confusing as to exactly when this purposeless abomination is supposed to be celebrated. This website gives the dates for Arbor Day in each state in the US. In some the date has already passed; in others it’s coming soon. But in half of the states it’s celebrated right now. Those states include Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Iowa, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Texas, Utah,Virginia, Wisconsin,and Wyoming. It’s also some kind of national holiday in the US, celebrated on the last Friday in April. Therefore this is the appropriate time for us to launch our campaign.
For those with a rational attitude about the biosphere, we already have a day we can celebrate — Darwin Day. Darwin’s birthday is a celebration of the theory of evolution and the relatedness of all life on Earth. Abominations like Arbor Day are mindless distractions. We don’t need the meaning of Darwin Day to be diluted by other so-called holidays celebrating arbitrarily chosen organisms. What will they spring on us next — Amphibian Day? Crustacean Day? How about Fungus Day? You see our point.
How can we express our displeasure about Arbor Day? One thing your Curmudgeon always does is react vigorously whenever anyone is thoughtless enough to wish us a “Happy Arbor Day.” We immediately respond with: “Bah, humbug!”
What else can you do? Write your Congressman and your state legislators. Write letters to the editor. Speak out at public meetings. And please consider displaying a bumper strip on your car — one that proudly declares: Down With Arbor Day!
There’s one more thing you can do, and it’s our favorite. It’s something we learned from our best friend, the dog. (It should be noted that for some inexplicable reason, although there’s a stupid holiday about trees, there is no holiday to honor the dog.) What does the noble dog do when he sees a tree? You know. Following that splendid example, your Curmudgeon does the same. We urge you to go forth and do likewise.
Get out there and wee on a tree! It will make your Curmudgeon proud.
Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.