Welcome to Creationism Headquarters

Truly you are blessed to have found your way to our website. We are your ultimate source of material to save you from Darwinism so that you will be ready when The End comes.

We offer several products to meet your needs. Our Basic Package — which everyone should have — is the Roof Painting Kit. This is a stencil of huge lettering patterns and fifty gallons of purple paint with which you can mark the roof of your home with one of several slogans we provide, the favorite being: No Darwinism Here! Your painted roof will be visible to the heavens, and it will protect your home and all who dwell therein. Guaranteed!

After that is the Home Protection Upgrade Package. This consists of a kit to construct a creationist windmill — each blade of which is painted with a unique declaration of the Truth! As long as the wind blows your home will be Darwin-proof. Guaranteed!

The next step is our Outreach Package. This essential product consists of several bumper strips for your vehicles and for those of everyone in your family. You can order more — no limit! — to hand out to your friends and neighbors. Among the most favorite messages are:

Darwin and Devil both start with “D
Evolution and Evil both start with “E
Science is the Devil’s Tool
Darwinists Go to the Lake of Fire

The next step is our Big-Time Evangelical Package. This product is a kit for constructing a billboard to place next to the main road running beside your house. An optional add-on is a set of loud-speakers with an endlessly recycling message declaring the truth of Noah’s Ark. With this you can save your whole neighborhood! Some may object to the “noise,” but you must ignore them and persevere. Keep the message playing continuously, night and day. If you save only one person from Darwinism, it will be the the greatest accomplishment of your life.

We also offer our optional — but very popular — Home Entertainment Package. The favorite item in this is the Darwin Whoopie Cushion. When your guests sit on it, the cushion makes an embarrassing sound and then it says “Darwin!” Wholesome fun for the whole family!

Don’t be deceived by other so-called creationist websites. They are run by heretics! How do we know? Because they accept the Satanic teaching that the Earth is a sphere. That’s blasphemy! Scripture teaches that The Earth Is Flat and so do we. If you have been misled into following the false teachings of such internet hypocrites, you must Purge yourself.

After you have been cleansed of improper doctrines, then visit our Gift Shop and begin your new life as a True Creationist. Remember, if you buy our products and use them faithfully, we unconditionally guarantee that you will be safe when The End comes. If not, we promise that your purchase price will be refunded in full.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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13 responses to “Welcome to Creationism Headquarters

  1. Yes, I know that was horrible. This is what happens when there’s no news.

  2. Tomato Addict

    Quick, somebody get this man some controversy!

  3. Tomato Addict says: “Quick, somebody get this man some controversy!”

    Aw, come on. Buy a whoopee cushion.

  4. @Tomato Addict:

    This hit the spot after a long day at work. I’d welcome SC’s stand-up comedy career. Unfortunately, the market for ironic, dry Darwinist/pro-Enlightenment humor is probably a pretty small niche…which is sad.

  5. Now answer the real question: Do you take Visa, Mastercard and/or American Express?

  6. Someone told me that in the Ring of Fire they play Johnny Cash 24/7.

  7. Congrats. You’re the #2 Google hit on Creationism Headquarters, right behind http://www.yecheadquarters.com. I’m sure you’ll only need a dozen or more hits before you overtake them.

  8. This is hardly current but I finally saw the episode of the Sopranos on Netflix where Tony was visited in his hospital room by the creationist minister. I was waiting for Tony to kill the smiley prick but he didn’t have a gun in his hospital gown. I guess he wouldn’t have even if he did.

  9. eryops says: “Congrats. You’re the #2 Google hit on Creationism Headquarters”

    This is the fulfillment of a lifetime ambition. I want to thank my parents, my agent, my director …

    Also, if you search on “Palin creationism” you get over 900K hits and I’m on the second page. Change that to “Palin creationist” and you get only 180K hits, but I’m on the first page.

  10. Better hurry. Judgment Day is only 9 days away. 😉

    In the meantime it should be a Judge Jones whoopie cushion and a Darwin doll-in-a-vise. Other must-haves include a poster of Dembski in a Jesus outfit with the caption “we don’t need to connect no stinkin’ dots.”

    As for Palin, my guess is that most google hits contain misinformation. AIUI, she no longer thinks humans and dinosaurs co-existed. But that’s not necessaily good news because she has apparently likes the “don’t ask, don’t tell what happened when” strategy, which suggests that she’s at least partly in on the scam.

  11. I had a good laugh reading this, thanks 🙂

  12. A laugh is all you can ask for when the person who writes this cannot use any good argument to debunk God or His Creation. I actually thought it was funny also that no science was used. I guess when your theory is weak, it’s all you have left.

  13. Since creationism is unencumbered by evidence, it doesn’t take much to debunk it. Pointing out the logical contradictions is one way, for example, or the transparent quote mining, or – with the Discovery Institute in particular – the blatant dishonesty.

    With respect to debunking god(s), that is not the purpose of this site, as I understand it. However, I’m sure if someone ever came up with any sort of evidence for the supernatural, it would definitely be an interesting development and worth commenting on. To date, at least since the invention of writing anyway, that has not happened.