Truly you are blessed to have found your way to our website. We are your ultimate source of material to save you from Darwinism so that you will be ready when The End comes.
We offer several products to meet your needs. Our Basic Package — which everyone should have — is the Roof Painting Kit. This is a stencil of huge lettering patterns and fifty gallons of purple paint with which you can mark the roof of your home with one of several slogans we provide, the favorite being: No Darwinism Here! Your painted roof will be visible to the heavens, and it will protect your home and all who dwell therein. Guaranteed!
After that is the Home Protection Upgrade Package. This consists of a kit to construct a creationist windmill — each blade of which is painted with a unique declaration of the Truth! As long as the wind blows your home will be Darwin-proof. Guaranteed!
The next step is our Outreach Package. This essential product consists of several bumper strips for your vehicles and for those of everyone in your family. You can order more — no limit! — to hand out to your friends and neighbors. Among the most favorite messages are:
Evolution and Evil both start with “E”
Science is the Devil’s Tool
Darwinists Go to the Lake of Fire
The next step is our Big-Time Evangelical Package. This product is a kit for constructing a billboard to place next to the main road running beside your house. An optional add-on is a set of loud-speakers with an endlessly recycling message declaring the truth of Noah’s Ark. With this you can save your whole neighborhood! Some may object to the “noise,” but you must ignore them and persevere. Keep the message playing continuously, night and day. If you save only one person from Darwinism, it will be the the greatest accomplishment of your life.
We also offer our optional — but very popular — Home Entertainment Package. The favorite item in this is the Darwin Whoopie Cushion. When your guests sit on it, the cushion makes an embarrassing sound and then it says “Darwin!” Wholesome fun for the whole family!
Don’t be deceived by other so-called creationist websites. They are run by heretics! How do we know? Because they accept the Satanic teaching that the Earth is a sphere. That’s blasphemy! Scripture teaches that The Earth Is Flat and so do we. If you have been misled into following the false teachings of such internet hypocrites, you must Purge yourself.
After you have been cleansed of improper doctrines, then visit our Gift Shop and begin your new life as a True Creationist. Remember, if you buy our products and use them faithfully, we unconditionally guarantee that you will be safe when The End comes. If not, we promise that your purchase price will be refunded in full.
Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.