The Latest Curmudgeon Science Research

We are always learning from the creationists, and today we want to bring you up to date on our progress. As you know, creationist outfits like to have their own, in-house “science journals” which they claim are “peer reviewed,” and where they can publish their creation science.

For example, the Discoveroids have a journal called BIO-Complexity. We posted about it here: Discovery Institute: Creationist “Peer-Review”. And Answers in Genesis has their Answers Research Journal. Inspired by their example, we have founded the Curmudgeon’s Journal of peer reviewed Curmudgeon Science.

The journal is published at the CITADEL — the fabled Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere which threaten the values of Western Civilization. That’s where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.

Our latest, recently-published research indicates that there is a heretofore little-known effect that results from the combined ravages of several loathsome maladies and degenerative disorders like leprosy, syphilis, and Alzheimer’s disease. The observed symptoms exhibited by those afflicted with two or more of those conditions are: internet spamming, child molestation, and rabid creationism.

Naturally, such ground-breaking research has fueled controversy. The most vocal critic so far is Dr. Archibald (“Archie”) Opteryx of Piltdown, Louisiana. His doctorate is in creation science, and was awarded by the prestigous Mail Order Bible Institute. He is the politically powerful leader of the Louisiana-based Family In Your Face All the Time, a public interest group that promotes a ban on all “godless teachings” in public schools — especially evolution, geology, and astronomy. They also favor legislation authorizing public stoning of lustful women. As Archie Opteryx has famously said:

Stoning is scriptural, so it ought to be our law. Women have been the cause of humanity’s downfall ever since Eden.

At a recent tent rally illuminated by torchlight, attended by dozens of Archie’s pitchfork-carrying followers, the learned doctor took the podium and vigorously condemned the Curmudgeon’s research. “How dare he claim that creationism is the result of loathsome and degenerative diseases?” he roared. “I say we should organize a million-man march on the Curmudgeon’s secret headquarters and show him how angry we are!”

As he finished that sentence, however, misfortune struck Dr. Opteryx — his left eyeball fell out and rolled across the floor of the speaker’s platform. An eerie silence overcame the crowd, which swiftly turned to gasps of horror as they watched Archie’s nose fell off his face and drop onto the podium.

“This is an outrage!” shouted Dr. Opteryx . But then, as he pounded the podium for emphasis, his arm fell off and dropped to the floor. But Archie wouldn’t be silenced.

“I am not a leper!” he cried. “And I’m not a child molester either — but I do advocate a special form of personal therapy for confused young girls. Don’t be misled, however — it’s only for spiritual purposes.” But at that moment his other eye flopped out of its socket and dangled briefly on his face before falling to the floor.

Slowly and silently, Archie’s disillusioned followers extinguished their torches and disbursed to their homes to ponder the meaning of it all.

When asked to comment on the event, the Curmudgeon released only a brief response: “Another data-point,” was all it said.

Copyright © 2011. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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One response to “The Latest Curmudgeon Science Research

  1. Ceteris Paribus

    Um, maybe you could take an aspirin and then lie down for a couple hours, and all this will go away. Oh, and be sure to cycle the exhaust fan down in that luxurious underground control room occasionally. Fresh Autumn air can do wonders.