Coppedge Trial: Imaginary Day Five

There’s no news of yesterday’s trial proceedings, Something will likely turn up later. Until then — like the Discoveroids — we’re free to make up our own news.

We’ll take Klinghoffer’s recent description of Coppedge as true, described here: Klinghoffer on Day Four. From that reliable source, we know that Coppedge suffers from headaches and has a delicate personality. We also know that Becker, his lawyer, is aggressive and is impatient with Coppedge’s rambling answers.

So here’s the official transcript of our fictional account of how things went on Friday:

Coppedge, moving unsteadily, resumes the witness stand.

Becker: Are you feeling well enough to proceed?

Coppedge: [*Sob, sob*]

Becker: Pull yourself together, you fool! [*Slap, slap*] Tell the court what happened next.

Coppedge: They were horrible to me. They were all Darwinists! They laughed at me! [*Sob, sob*]

Becker: Stop crying, you idiot! [*Slap, slap*]

And so it went all day. That’s be best we can do until some actual news appears, somewhere. If it never does, then our transcript is the only one you’ll ever see. That’s how it is on the internet.

Copyright © 2012. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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13 responses to “Coppedge Trial: Imaginary Day Five

  1. Becker: [sfx of face being repeatedly slapped, similar to the sound of dead flounder being spanked with a large flexible salami ]

    Coppedge [suddenly adopting a Haitian accent]: “No more! I confess; I confess — I killed papa Doc with my voodoo, Don’t hit me again!”

    Becker [furious]: “SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!” [composes himself, and then to the judge] “If it please the court, we’d like to request a brief recess of two years while my client seeks mental health treatment for his exhaustion at the hands of the evil Darwinists…”

  2. Tomato Addict

    And then the Darwinist PR machine springs into action, spreading the fiction through various online publishers with an anti-ID agenda, and those that never check their sources in the first place. The story goes viral and soon the video of Becker slapping Coppedge overtakes Nyan Cat as a internet meme.

    Next?

  3. There is a pretty good summary of Thursday’s activity here… http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/news/ci_20184610/testimony-heard-intelligent-design-lawsuit

    It stated that the trial will continue on Monday. Evidently nothing happened on Friday.

  4. Ed says: “Evidently nothing happened on Friday.”

    Then my transcript is your only source of information.

  5. Becker: And what about those DVDs?

    Coppedge: Ah, but the DVDs! That’s where I had them. The Darwinists laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that is impossible for flagella to evolve. And I’d have proven that the human immune system could not have evolved if Chin hadn’t harassed me and told me to shut up! I-I-I know now Chin was only trying to protect some fellow Darwinist and!……(realizes he has been ranting, babbling)
    Naturally, I can only cover these things from memory if I’ve left anything out, why, just ask me specific questions and I’ll be glad to answer them…one-by-one…

  6. Jack Hogan says: “Ah, but the DVDs! That’s where I had them.”

    Ah, Captain Queeg! Beautiful!

  7. “Hey, Becky, you said if I fronted this lawsuit for you we’d win, get rich and I’d never have to work again.”

    “Fine print, Coppy, fine print. How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t have to read the fine print. Our masters at the Disco Tute win no matter what we do. They’ve got it made!”

    “What about getting rich? Sounds like we’re going to lose our shirts.”

    “There is an old saying, Coppy old boy, that a man without a shirt is richer than all the men with shirts. I think that’s Chippendale 1 verse 5.”

    “But, Becky, what about never having to work again?”

    “Don’t worry, Coppers old fruit, you’ll never work again, I gar-ron-tee!”

    “Psssst, Becky, I still get the virgins, right?”

    “You really should read the fine print, Dave to the C, ’cause it clearly states you get 72 bottles of virgin olive oil, not 72 virgins like Olive Oyl. Hey, don’t blame me, I yam what I yam! Heheheheheehehhehehehe!”

  8. retiredsciguy

    Nice effort, Doc!

  9. Curmudgeon: “From that reliable source, we know that Coppedge…has a delicate personality.”

    Which explains why, that in the safety of his website, he cockily called “Darwinists” “master riggers”, while letting OECs and most IDers off the hook even though they agree with “Darwinists” on the particular “age” conclusions that he accused “Darwinists” of “rigging”.

  10. Another great post, Doc. Have you considered a second career in stand-up?

  11. I was a regular Laff Riot in elementary school. Teachers were so excited they used to draw straws to see who would get me.

  12. Doc Bill wrote:

    Teachers were so excited they used to draw straws to see who would get me.

    Better straws than knives.

  13. Just so everyone understands, Doc Bill’s comments have a two drink minimum.