The Scientific Case Against Stairs

Having observed the chicanery of creationists, your Curmudgeon has learned that their style of argument can be applied to virtually anything. Behold, our refutation of The Blasphemous Theory of Stairs.

[For previous posts in this series, see: The Scientific Case Against Craterism, and then The Scientific Case Against Powered Flight, and then The Scientific Case Against Atom Bombism, and then The Scientific Case Against Darwinian Emancipation, and then The Scientific Case Against Edison’s Electric Light, and most recently The Scientific Case Against Law Enforcement. We’ll also toss in Two Plus Two Equals Three.]

1. The secular theory of stairs is just a theory — an atheistic belief based on arbitrary presuppositions. There is no proof of this so-called theory. No one has ever been seen to leap from one floor of a building to a higher floor.

2. If man were meant to perform such feats of self-elevation, he would have been created with legs that are at least 20 feet long. Stair theory is a secular-scientific hoax!

3. Stairs are rarely mentioned in the Bible, and when they are, they are never used by humans for rising above the ground. There is, however, a mention of “Jacob’s Ladder” in Genesis 28:11-19. According to scripture, the ladder is used by angels, not men:

And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.

4. Stair theory is a classic example of the Godless, naturalistic worldview. It’s the product of philosophical materialism.

5. According to the Law of Gravity, everything falls toward the Earth. Humans can’t violate a scientific law.

6. According to Second Law of Thermodynamics, everything degrades. Nothing can go from a low level to a higher level, and that means you can’t rise above the Earth by the use of stairs.

7. Some trivial forms of self-elevation are possible — such as deliberately stepping up onto a low object. It’s even possible to rise a small distance from the ground in a single step — but that’s micro-stepping. A micro-step cannot elevate a man from one floor of a building to another. Such a miraculous motion is macro-stepping, which is beyond the ability of mere man.

8. Stair theory is destructive of family values. Tales of such impossible movements encourage people to undertake amoral adventures, and that leads to sexual promiscuity. Belief in stairs encourages divorce and other forms of unnatural behavior.

9. By daring to rise above his natural place, man is invading the province of God. If man pretends to be God then he has no standard of morality and no way to distinguish good from evil. The bible warns against man’s lusting for heights. Remember the Tower of Babel!

10. Stair theory leads to evolution! Charles Darwin believed that bacteria could somehow climb the stairway of evolution to become man.

11. It takes more faith to believe in stairs than to believe in the tooth fairy.

12. Stairs are a theory in crisis! Many respected scientists and Nobel Prize winners are questioning it because they understand its evil. But they don’t speak out publicly for fear of being Expelled!

Secular stair theory or the Bible?
Teach the controversy!

Copyright © 2012. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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17 responses to “The Scientific Case Against Stairs

  1. Are you just trying to get a riser out of us?

  2. Watch your step, Doc Bill.

  3. Where is the obligatory mention of Hitler?

  4. Alan(UK) asks: “Where is the obligatory mention of Hitler?”

    I tried to work that in, but all I could think of was “Hitler used stairs.” But that contradicts the principle that stairs are impossible.

  5. Don’t get started on Godwin’s Spiral. It only goes down from there.

    (I love the witty bannister, but I don’t think you can make a case for stairs.)

  6. Ceteris Paribus

    The use of “blasphemous” in the title made me think this was going to be an exegetical or teleological religious argument, rather than a straight forward scientific argument.

    Confirmation bias I suppose; the result of my early training about stair etiquette. Namely, always precede, rather than follow a lady going up the stairs.

    But back to this argument, could this be an example of the “No True Scotsman” would use the stairs fallacy?

  7. Tomato Addict

    You can Baluster all you want, and Rail against the facts if you must, but unless you come up with some Newal evidence, then stair theory is just a Flight of fantasy.

    For Gary.

  8. Forget Hitler – what about Daleks?

  9. Stairs! Nemesis of the Daleks!

  10. @TA: It’s “Newel”, not “Newal”. (That’s for making me snort meatloaf due to the Youtube link.)

  11. Cloyd S Wiseman

    Beautiful, just beautiful.

  12. If His Curmudgeonliness feels this way about stairs, I tremble in fear as to his view of ESCALATORS!

  13. Dave de Vries

    Love it!

  14. Darn, had you told me that before Nov. 2005 I wouldn’t have this “irreducibly complex” contraption attached to my right fibula.

  15. I hope it’s not against some rule, law, regulation or accepted netiquette, but I simply must re-post this on my blog as a ‘guest curmudgeontary!’

  16. Douglas E says: “I hope it’s not against some rule, law, regulation or accepted netiquette”

    It is. You can excerpt from it, and link to it. Don’t copy it.

  17. Wanted to post a tread congratulating you on this wonderful rise and run. It’s a real stringer.