As a result of years of solitary research (and watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel) we have at last discovered the hidden truth of humanity’s secret history. And because there is no other news to write about today, we are taking this opportunity to inform you of what we have learned.
Long before the Knights Templar, before the fabled Knights of the Round Table, before everything — mysterious visitors arrived from outer space to influence humanity. They came from the Seventh Planet, and thus they are known as the Knights of Uranus. Their full name is the Celestial Order of the Knights of Uranus, and their influence on humanity has been profound.
Unlike mankind’s mythical benefactors like Prometheus, who gave us fire, and also (according to Aeschylus) brickwork, carpentry, metallurgy, the building of ships with sails, reckoning the seasons by observing the stars, and numerous other gifts, the Knights of Uranus gave us their whole system of science — Uranian science.
Uranian science is nothing like human science. It does not apply to anything we see or do or understand, and therefore it obviously has an extra-terrestrial origin. Amazingly, it seems to make sense when reading Genesis, preferably with panties on one’s head. Those who follow the ancient lore of the Knights are totally dedicated to other-worldly concerns. That requires suppressing human science, which they regard as an inferior distraction, and replacing it with the wisdom of Uranus.
We have learned to identify the followers of this movement. They travel many paths, all of them unproductive by human standards, but the most numerous of them are creationists. This can be confirmed by observing that their science is utterly unearthly, and it confers no observable benefits to humans.
In the past, we have awarded particularly noteworthy creationist advocates with our prized Buffoon Award, but it has been given out sparingly, mostly to politicians and significant media personalities and organs. But now that we have achieved greater understanding, it seems appropriate that recognition should be given to all of those who follow the way of the Knights, and so we shall henceforth label them appropriately.
At last, dear reader, you know the true history of humanity. Your Curmudgeon is pleased to share this information.
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