Startling Discovery Announced

As a result of years of solitary research (and watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel) we have at last discovered the hidden truth of humanity’s secret history. And because there is no other news to write about today, we are taking this opportunity to inform you of what we have learned.

Long before the Knights Templar, before the fabled Knights of the Round Table, before everything — mysterious visitors arrived from outer space to influence humanity. They came from the Seventh Planet, and thus they are known as the Knights of Uranus. Their full name is the Celestial Order of the Knights of Uranus, and their influence on humanity has been profound.

Unlike mankind’s mythical benefactors like Prometheus, who gave us fire, and also (according to Aeschylus) brickwork, carpentry, metallurgy, the building of ships with sails, reckoning the seasons by observing the stars, and numerous other gifts, the Knights of Uranus gave us their whole system of science — Uranian science.

Uranian science is nothing like human science. It does not apply to anything we see or do or understand, and therefore it obviously has an extra-terrestrial origin. Amazingly, it seems to make sense when reading Genesis, preferably with panties on one’s head. Those who follow the ancient lore of the Knights are totally dedicated to other-worldly concerns. That requires suppressing human science, which they regard as an inferior distraction, and replacing it with the wisdom of Uranus.

We have learned to identify the followers of this movement. They travel many paths, all of them unproductive by human standards, but the most numerous of them are creationists. This can be confirmed by observing that their science is utterly unearthly, and it confers no observable benefits to humans.

In the past, we have awarded particularly noteworthy creationist advocates with our prized Buffoon Award, but it has been given out sparingly, mostly to politicians and significant media personalities and organs. But now that we have achieved greater understanding, it seems appropriate that recognition should be given to all of those who follow the way of the Knights, and so we shall henceforth label them appropriately.

At last, dear reader, you know the true history of humanity. Your Curmudgeon is pleased to share this information.

Copyright © 2012. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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16 responses to “Startling Discovery Announced

  1. longshadow

    Ahh, blame the planet whose name shall not be uttered….

  2. Well, Longie, we haven’t had a good Planet Seven post for a long time.

  3. NeonNoodle

    Amazingly, it seems to make sense when reading Genesis, preferably with panties on one’s head.

    You’ve been peeking. I’m pulling the shades from now on.

  4. docbill1351

    We are the Knights Who Say Ni !

  5. You must award the title to Ben Stein. In an episode of “The Wonder Years” he was a nerdy science teacher who kept talking about “Uranus,” and amusing his students. I was not amused at the stereotype of science teachers. And if his “Expelled” of nearly 20 years later is any indication, he loved promoting that stereotype.

  6. Frank J says: “You must award the title to Ben Stein.”

    If I ever write about him again, he just might get the Buffoon Award.

  7. For Stein, perhaps it could be a joint Buffoon-Uranus Award?
    Somehow it still doesn’t seem like enough – Maybe if it could be the Buffoon-Uranus-Fishslapper Award.

  8. The Curmudgeon is well on his way to writing a sci-fi novel. Why not as another way to demonstrate the stupidity of creationists?

  9. vhutchison says: “The Curmudgeon is well on his way to writing a sci-fi novel.”

    SF fans already know creationism is idiocy. Maybe a children’s book …

  10. While no one would argue that creationists should not be collectively described as students
    of Uranus, I’ve often wondered the following when reading CM’s blog about these bizarre creatures of denial.
    If you merged a Uranisian’s ‘s DNA
    with a baboon’s wouldn’t that result in a new species, baboonus caseyensis? And wouldn’t
    this organism be proficient at baboonism?
    Furthermore I have thought that if
    caseyensis had a symbiotic relationship
    with a parasitic invertebrate (which
    could be labelled Wormus Kadoopleflopper
    venal dufas ) that inhabited primitive philosophical cesspools, doesn’t that mean Uranus devotees have actually been the causative environmental factor in speciation?
    I’m no Einstein( hey Becker!), so I’m thinking
    this is merely a hypothesis right now.

  11. I’m not sure I get it. Why would you pick on Uranus? Its discovery represents the best in enlightenment values. The first planet discovered since antiquity; an excellent application of modern inventions like the telescope and mathematics.

  12. Troy asks: “Why would you pick on Uranus?”

    I don’t intend to answer that.

  13. For the sake of putting an end to the torrent of annoying schoolboy jokes, I suggest we change the name of the seventh planet.
    I propose we henceforth refer to it as “George.”
    (Which, if you know the history of the thing, is not a silly random suggestion like “Joe” or “Fred” or “Mortimer,” but actually has some precedent. It’s roughly what the discoverer himself wanted to call it.)

  14. deklane says: “For the sake of putting an end to the torrent of annoying schoolboy jokes”

    What? We never outgrow our delight in schoolboy jokes.

  15. Retired Prof

    I started doing schoolboy jokes about 62 years ago. They never get old.

    Actually I did some earlier, before I started school. Like when I was five, my uncle drove some of us kids to a family reunion. He noticed the cap pistols strapped to my waist and asked, “Augie, do you expect to see some outlaws?”

    I said, “Naw, but I might see some in-laws.”

  16. For the sake of putting an end to the torrent of annoying schoolboy jokes,I suggest we change the name of the seventh planet.

    Way ahead of you.

    PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: I’m sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
    FRY: Oh. What’s it called now?