Tales from the Napoleon Ward


The news drought continues, so we consulted the archives of one of our clandestine operatives — code name “Bellevue” — who works as an orderly in a famous lunatic asylum, where he is assigned to the Napoleon Ward. That’s where the most advanced and incurable cases of Napoleonic Delusion are kept. Each of the inmates insists that he — and he alone — is Napoleon Bonaparte.

Such cases must be treated with respect at all times or they become uncontrollably violent. Our operative has been trained to play the role of a respectful functionary in each patient’s imaginary empire. This is an actual recording of a recent conversation with Napoleon Number Seventeen:

Bellevue: Good morning, your Excellency. And how are your bowels today?

Napoleon #17: Bah! Don’t bother me with such things. I am planning my next military campaign!

Bellevue: Yes, Sire.

Napoleon #17: And this time I shall be successful. Do you know why?

Bellevue: No, Sire. Why?

Napoleon #17: Because my enemies will not suspect anything. I won’t formally take command of my armies until the foe has already capitulated.

Bellevue: That’s wonderful, Sire. But … I don’t understand …

Napoleon #17: You fool! My plans are already in operation. I am converting them all to creationism. And then, when that is accomplished and everyone is running around babbling about Noah’s Ark and such things, I shall ascend to my throne. No one will oppose me. They won’t know what to do because they’ll all be idiots.

Bellevue: Brilliant plan, Sire! But …

Napoleon #17: But what?

Bellevue: Sire, if all your subjects are idiots, what is the point of being Emperor?

Napoleon #17: Get out, you fool! Get out!

Bellevue: Sire, please — not the bedpan again. Nooooo!

[*Sounds of clatter, rapid footsteps, and then a slamming door*]

That’s where the recording ends. If the news drought continues, we may present a recording from another floor of the asylum — the Genesis Ward, where each inmate claims to understand the one true meaning of Genesis, and they all must be carefully kept apart because they violently disagree with each other. For now, however, we shall take our leave of the lunatic asylum.

But we’ll be back. Sooner or later, one way or another, everyone returns to the asylum. Mmmmrrrruuuuhahahaha!

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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2 responses to “Tales from the Napoleon Ward

  1. Marshall Ney

    Monsieur Napoleon,
    We are sorry to hear you are still troubled by your asteroids.
    Just received, your instructions via M’onsuier O’Meara as follows,
    “Doctor, no medicine.—We are machines made to live—organized expressly for that purpose.—Such is our nature.—Do not counteract the living principle.”……….Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte.
    Un mauvais acteur jambone, known to his followers as “hambone”
    has made le science de la genetique creationnisme the law of the land
    and your subjects are prepared to assist Msieur Henri Morris Jr in your quest to achieve total control.
    We are sorry to hear you are still troubled by your asteroids.
    Le Armie de Italie has succeeded in convicting le scientist de la geo
    for earthquakes recently.
    Snowball drank all the whiskey and we had to execute him. We made soup out of the nine dead chickens….MonSieur Orwell has completed his biography of Napoleon, a pig who has illegally taken your name
    He is now known as Mr Pinkington. We are tracking him down now and plan on wallpapering his pen with Chick tracts to help him see the error of his assuming authority in your place. The farm is fine.
    I would have told you more about le clandestione “Le Armee des Pyrenees” but I had already sent this message….
    Crusteegianly speaking,
    Marshall Kasey Luskehn Davout,
    representing MSieur Jindal on your behalf who is,
    Defender of The Faithful, Protector of the Berber Tribes, Chief to the Barbary Pirates and Lord of the Riff………
    send return mail to Ward 53 and copy AIG hdqtrs..

  2. Ceteris Paribus

    Meanwhile, back in the Duchy of Brownbackistan (aka Kansas), Governor Sam Brownback has been rumored to have proclaimed “Today, Brownbackistan. Tomorrow, the Wooorrrllllld!”

    There is some disagreement as to the actual phrasing used by the governor, because of the eerie noises caused by wind whistling thru the steel scaffolding presently encasing the 304 foot tall dome of the Capitol building in Topeka, during its $450 million renovation project.

    Oh, and the Kansas legislature also has a bill before it that declares that the state Supreme Court has absolutely no jurisdiction over lawsuits that have previously been brought and ruled the state is remiss in its duty to properly fund public education.