This is a slow news day, so we visited the website of the CBS TV station in Sacramento, California. There we found this frightening headline: More Than 17,500 Genital Injuries From Zippers In US.
That got your attention, didn’t it? They say, with bold font added by us:
More than 17,500 people in less than a decade have had genital injuries caused by zippers, according to a recent study. Researchers at the University of California, San Francisco discovered that about 900 men ages 18 and older each year in the U.S. go to emergency rooms due to their penis being caught in a zipper.
That’s roughly three tragic incidents per day — not counting children. For comparison purposes, we looked up shooting deaths. Bloomberg reports, in this article, that “About 85 Americans are shot dead daily — 53 of them suicides.” Excluding suicide, that’s roughly 32 gun fatalities per day. What does our comparison tell you? Nothing, nothing at all — except perhaps that a zipper isn’t quite as lethal as a gun — especially considering that everyone uses a zipper several times each day. Zippers are relatively safe. But still — yuk!
We found the paper on which the news report is based. It’s published in a peer-reviewed journal, BJU International. We’re not sure what those letters mean, but it was formerly the British Journal of Urology. Here’s the paper: Zip-related genital injury. Okay, back to the news story:
The study, which was published in BJU International, estimated that from 2002 to 2010, about 17,616 people went to the ER for zipper-induced genital injuries.
Egad — it’s a veritable epidemic! Why has the press been so silent on this topic? Are they in league with the zipper manufacturers to keep this menace hushed up? Let’s read on. Aha — they save the best statistic for the end:
Penile injuries relating to zippers paced ahead of penile injuries based on bicycle injuries among adult men, according to the study.
Zippers are more dangerous than bicycles! All right, now look — this is serious. We think Congress should get to work immediately to control this menace. What should be done?
To begin with, zippers should be registered. And taxed! Garment manufacturers and clothing stores should be required to display warning signs. Clothing equipped with buttons should be offered as an alternative, and zipper buyers should be required to sign a waiver stating that they are aware of the risks, but have knowingly chosen to go with the zipper. Minors shouldn’t be allowed to buy clothing equipped with zippers unless they’re accompanied by a responsible adult. Schools should teach zipper safety, starting in the earliest grades. And most importantly, we urge that assault zippers — those with particularly large and vicious teeth — should be banned.
In closing (no pun) we note that zippers aren’t mentioned in scripture. The holy men in the bible didn’t use them. It’s time we returned to the old ways — before we’re all doomed!
All right, it’s the weekend, so go ahead and use the comments for an Intellectual Free Fire Zone.
Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.