The Curmudgeon’s Design Detector

Design Detector

Design Detector

All the world knows that the theory of intelligent design is very scientific. That’s how it’s promoted by the Discoveroids — described in the Cast of Characters section of our Intro page.

The intellectual who provides the philosophical background for intelligent design is that noted theorist, William A. Dembski, who is best known for his central role in Intelligent Design’s Brief Shining Moment.

More than a year ago, Dembski wrote a Discoveroid blog article about his “design inference,” and we posted about it here: William Dembski’s Design Inference. We found it to be incomprehensible then, and we still do. So we decided to help.

After endless hours of solitary research in the Curmudgeon’s secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory, we have world-shaking news to report. There is no longer any need for a design inference. We proudly announce the development of the Curmudgeon’s DesignDetector™. The diagram above is one of the exhibits attached to our patent application.

We can’t yet disclose the details of how our device operates, but we can tell you that it reliably detects the signature of the intelligent designer — blessed be he! — by using our unique Biological Sensor (hereinafter, “BS”). We have found that the BS component is the most essential element of intelligent design research. Our invention senses quantum fluctuations in the vitalism field (the non-physical essence of all living things), thus allowing it to reliably detect the presence of specified complexity.

In practice, our contraption is very simple to operate. You just plug it into a convenient wall socket (you can see the power cord in our diagram) and then you test the creature in question by stabbing it with the triple prong assembly (the “probe module”) at the base of the device. That’s all you need to do. The Detector then registers the quantity of specified complexity in the creature and it signals a simple “Yes” or “No” to let you know if it’s the product of intelligent design.

So far it’s given us accurate results for every creature we’ve tested. We’re willing to license our invention to the Discoveroids to use in their research — for a modest fee, of course. We think they’ll be interested. Without the Curmudgeon’s DesignDetector™ to provide supporting data for their theory, the Discoveroids don’t have very much to offer, do they?

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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19 responses to “The Curmudgeon’s Design Detector

  1. Ceteris Paribus

    Tesla advocates claim that Tesla had invented an almost identical device a century ago. And it was cordless. Too bad all his patent applications were trucked off by space aliens.

  2. Ceteris Paribus says: “And it was cordless.”

    I’m working on a battery-powered model for use in the field.

  3. I tried to write an app that worked in a similar manner last year. The damn phone was too smart to run it though.

  4. Ceteris Paribus

    @SC: Tread carefully in that field. The Scientology folk are reputedly quite jealous of their battery powered E-Meter. On the other hand, if you do get the DesignDetector going, you could probably make a killing by advertising the device on Huffington Post.

  5. But can the prongs be made small enough to examine a bacterial flagellum?

  6. Pete Moulton

    Maybe you could jab the prongs into a giraffe’s neck, and test that pesky recurrent laryngeal nerve. After all, Casey says even bad design is still design. I’d like to see that statement put to the test.

  7. Rikki_Tikki_Taalik

    Excuse me, but why does it have a “no” indicator ?

  8. You may have trouble getting a patent for this. I googled “intelligent design detector” and – detected design detector designs.

  9. DickVanstone


    Excuse me, but why does it have a “no” indicator?

    I’m assuming it has to at least give the appearance of impartiality.

    I hereby nominate SC’s graphics editor to get a raise!

  10. Why does it have a “no” indicator?
    You know the response from the “theory of intelligent design”:
    It has a “no” indicator because it is intelligently designed!
    Beyond that, you’re asking for a pathetic level of detail.

  11. Rikki_Tikki_Taalik asks:

    Excuse me, but why does it have a “no” indicator ?

    Huh? So far, everything I’ve tested has registered “no.” You should have asked why it has a “yes” indicator.

  12. Have you tried it on itself?

    But what I’m really curious about, is when you try it on something, what it is testing: the particular atoms that the probe is touching, or the entire object, or the motion of the object, or the act of testing, or a particular region of space-time, or the local electromagnetic field, or the entropy, or the color of the object, …

  13. TomS asks: “Have you tried it on itself?”

    No, but I tried it on your comment. Negative result.

  14. Curm: “So far, everything I’ve tested has registered “no.” You should have asked why it has a “yes” indicator.”

    No, RTT is right. It does not NEED a “no” indicator.

    “For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him.” [Colossians 1:16.]

  15. Diogenes says:

    No, RTT is right. It does not NEED a “no” indicator.

    In that case it’s no more useful than the Discoveroid blog.

  16. Negative result.
    You must have it set on “intelligent design”, then, rather than just “design”.

  17. Rikki_Tikki_Taalik

    Curmy said …

    “In that case it’s no more useful than the Discoveroid blog.”

    Hmm … I thought it was going to be marketed to the Discoveroids making “no” redundant. If that is the case I suggest you leave the “no” indicator but refrain from installing the associated bulb and wiring. That should knock up the profit margin just a tad.

  18. Rikki_Tikki_Taalik says:

    I thought it was going to be marketed to the Discoveroids making “no” redundant.

    I didn’t promise that. All my device will do is give them data — which is what their theory lacks.

  19. Rikki_Tikki_Taalik

    I bow to your superior judgement. You can count on me being active in the Amazon reviews once this puppy goes live.