Iranian Scientist Invents Time Machine

You’ve probably already seen this because it’s on the Drudge Report. The article appears in the Telegraph, published in London: Iranian scientist claims to have invented ‘time machine’.

Even though this is the tenth of April and not the first, you know the story is false because your Curmudgeon is the inventor of the world’s first time machine — it’s one of the many revolutionary discoveries to come out of the secret la-BOR-a-tory located in our underground headquarters. The Curmudgeon’s time machine is based on the Steady State Time Cube theory — and it works! It can take you to the future. How do we know? We were there!

Despite the obvious worthlessness of the Telegraph story, here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us:

Ali Razeghi, a Tehran scientist has registered “The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” with the state-run Centre for Strategic Inventions. The device can predict the future in a print out after taking readings from the touch of a user, he told the Fars state newsagency.

It predicts the future in a printout? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! So does a Chinese fortune cookie. Here’s more:

Razaeghi, 27, said the device worked by a set of complex algorithims [sic] to “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy”.

He’s got algorithims? We’re impressed, but we’d be even more impressed if he had algorithms. Let’s read on:

“I have been working on this project for the last 10 years,” he said.

He’s 27 and he’s been working on this thing for 10 years? Our device required far less time, because we took a shortcut. Our future self — a splendid fellow! — came back to our time and handed us a copy. The story continues with another quote from the inventor:

My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future, it will bring the future to you.”

He’s got a computer and a printer in a box. Very nice. Let’s jump to the final paragraph:

Razeghi said his latest project has been criticised by friends and relatives for “trying to play God” with ordinary lives and history. “This project is not against our religious values at all. The Americans are trying to make this invention by spending millions of dollars on it where I have already achieved it by a fraction of the cost,” he said. “The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.

Very persuasive. He’s not trying to play God, but he’s not going into production because the Chinese will steal it. So what will become of this wonder of Iranian science? For the answer we consulted our Ouija board, which informed us of the following: “It’s as big a breakthrough as the theory of intelligent design.” Wow — that’s big!

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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12 responses to “Iranian Scientist Invents Time Machine

  1. Ummm … if he has a device that can predict the next 5-8 years of his life, couldn’t he use it to find out whether the Chinese actually do steal his idea?

  2. Ceteris Paribus

    Razeghi attests: “The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”

    China would steal his idea? Why would China steal it when they could buy for cash as simply as they now buy embargoed Iranian oil?

    Razeghi is merely trying to keep his head firmly attached to his neck. It is quite obvious to anybody in his neighborhood that all knowledge of the future is already conveniently foretold in the Holy Quran, as written down by the Prophet Muhammad.

    If Razeghi is seen walking around shilling a gizmo that can crank out a prophecy with the ease of a circus side show fortune telling machine, he won’t have to wait 5-8 years to find out his own fate.

  3. He must have been working on this for 10 years — in fact, he would have had to have had one already built 8 years ago in order to know that it will “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy”. Strange that he’s just now getting around to patenting it.

    Even in Iran his patent app will be turned down, because such a device already exists. In fact, I’ve owned one for years. Mine is spherical, black, has a window in its flat bottom, and has a white numeral “8” on the side.

  4. It’s a good thing predicting the future and control of the information is of no strategic value. He and his invention would become wards of the state in short order if it was. ;=)

    Cheers

  5. Maybe he is using Al Gore Rhythms.

  6. gregariouswolf

    I’m a time traveler. I travel into the future at a rate of one second per second.

  7. Well, heck! I’ve been wearing a time machine on my wrist for many years. Right this moment is says 7:57 AM PDT.

  8. David, that reminds me of the time machine I bought a few years ago, but I had to disconnect it because the rattling balls drove my girlfriend nuts.

  9. You scoff, but in the early 80’s French oil company Total paid millions for a remote sensing black box (literally, it was black) that could detect oil prospects from the air. The inventor demonstrated the box by several overflights and the accuracy was 100% He told Total that the electronics were “very delicate” and would never need repair so don’t open the box.

    Only after they paid the millions did the box’s accuracy disappear, but so did the inventor and one of their senior exploration geologists. Ah, so, Batman.

  10. @docbill: Perhaps the French oil company sold it to the Iranians.

  11. @Troy — I was going to comment on my rattling balls driving my wife nuts, but I won’t.

  12. Laugh now “Darwinists,” because I just sold him my flux capacitor. 😉