You’ve probably already seen this because it’s on the Drudge Report. The article appears in the Telegraph, published in London: Iranian scientist claims to have invented ‘time machine’.
Even though this is the tenth of April and not the first, you know the story is false because your Curmudgeon is the inventor of the world’s first time machine — it’s one of the many revolutionary discoveries to come out of the secret la-BOR-a-tory located in our underground headquarters. The Curmudgeon’s time machine is based on the Steady State Time Cube theory — and it works! It can take you to the future. How do we know? We were there!
Despite the obvious worthlessness of the Telegraph story, here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us:
Ali Razeghi, a Tehran scientist has registered “The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” with the state-run Centre for Strategic Inventions. The device can predict the future in a print out after taking readings from the touch of a user, he told the Fars state newsagency.
It predicts the future in a printout? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! So does a Chinese fortune cookie. Here’s more:
Razaeghi, 27, said the device worked by a set of complex algorithims [sic] to “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy”.
He’s got algorithims? We’re impressed, but we’d be even more impressed if he had algorithms. Let’s read on:
“I have been working on this project for the last 10 years,” he said.
He’s 27 and he’s been working on this thing for 10 years? Our device required far less time, because we took a shortcut. Our future self — a splendid fellow! — came back to our time and handed us a copy. The story continues with another quote from the inventor:
“My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future, it will bring the future to you.”
He’s got a computer and a printer in a box. Very nice. Let’s jump to the final paragraph:
Razeghi said his latest project has been criticised by friends and relatives for “trying to play God” with ordinary lives and history. “This project is not against our religious values at all. The Americans are trying to make this invention by spending millions of dollars on it where I have already achieved it by a fraction of the cost,” he said. “The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”
Very persuasive. He’s not trying to play God, but he’s not going into production because the Chinese will steal it. So what will become of this wonder of Iranian science? For the answer we consulted our Ouija board, which informed us of the following: “It’s as big a breakthrough as the theory of intelligent design.” Wow — that’s big!
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