Noah’s Ark Had a Washing Machine!

Once again, dear reader, we are astounded at the inventiveness of the creationist mind. Behold this new article at the website of the creation scientists at Ken Ham’s Answers in Genesis (AIG) — described in the Cast of Characters section of our Intro page. It’s titled Noah’s Laundromat?

It begins with an earthy discussion of the unpleasant conditions experienced when working with a large number of animals. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us:

If you’ve ever worked in a zoo — mucking out stalls, hauling bales of hay, and carrying feed sacks — you know how quickly you begin to acquire that certain . . . ahem . . . earthy aroma. It doesn’t take long for even the freshest clothes to become soiled and smelly.

We never worked in a zoo, but we understand the concept. Now they tell us about poor ol’ Noah’s working conditions:

Well, Noah and his family worked on a gigantic floating zoo with all the animals to tend to every single day for over a year. By the end of Noah’s work day, imagine how he might have been drenched in sweat and covered with stale hay, and everything else that hard zoo-keeping work entails.

We’d rather not think about it. But the creation scientists at AIG have been giving it a great deal of thought. Let’s read on:

Yet when you see some pictures of the Ark and read the associated stories, Noah always seems to be wearing the same fresh wardrobe day after day after day.

Something about this picture doesn’t ring true. Did he, his wife, Shem, Japheth, and Ham, and their wives, each own a couple hundred outfits? Probably not! Isn’t it more likely that Noah planned ahead to include some kind of large washing machine someplace inside the Ark?

We agree, something about the tale of Noah doesn’t ring true. But it never occurred to us that a washing machine would solve the problem. AIG continues:

These eight people were not many generations removed from God’s “very good” original creation and the genius of the first people (and they lived 800 years or more). Could they not have built a simple but large washing machine? And if they had, what might it have looked like? Here you can indulge your own imagination a little because the Ark will probably never be found for explorers to probe its cavernous interior.

The Ark will never be found? How is that possible? Are they telling us that a mighty vessel, utterly seaworthy, couldn’t survive for a few thousand years? Nonsense! They need to keep looking.

Anyway, this is a good project for you, dear reader, if you want to exercise your powers of imagination. Let your thoughts dwell on the nature of Noah’s washing machine. What — it’s too difficult for you? No problem, because AIG’s creation scientists have done the work for us. Here’s more:

We’re imagining if that industrial grade washing machine is found, it will be right next to — yes — an industrial grade bathtub! These are some of the questions we are exploring as AiG designs exhibits inside a full-size Noah’s Ark in northern Kentucky.

Isn’t it wonderful? They’re really going all out to make their Ark authentic. The last paragraph is a plea for funds. Go ahead, click over there and read it. Then send them some money. It’s a worthy cause. How can you refuse?

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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21 responses to “Noah’s Ark Had a Washing Machine!

  1. Washing us easy, at least for the first 40 days. Drying would be rather more difficult in 100% humidity.

  2. I always thought they had reached a limit to their craziness, but it just keeps on getting crazier

  3. Alex Shuffell

    Maybe washing wouldn’t have been an issue. Early European Christians, like the Anchorites, spent their entire adult lives unwashed. They named lice ‘pearls of god.’ Surely lice would have had to been saved too, washing might hurt them.

  4. Why aren’t there any paintings of Noah and crew covered in animal dung? I’m thinking the idea of being burned at the stake suppressed the genius behind this idea until now. I never thought I’d regret public execution going out of style.

  5. As with Goldkarian, I’m astounded by AiG’s continuing slide down into the pits of utter insanity. One has to begin wondering about the state of the Hamster’s mental health.

  6. Maytag or Inglis.

  7. “Yet when you see some pictures of the Ark and read the associated stories, Noah always seems to be wearing the same fresh wardrobe day after day after day.”

    Noah had a camera? Or was it an iPhone?

  8. Jason Lisle already found Noah’s washing machine…(dramatic pause: removes glasses and turns to camera 3)
    ON MARS!

  9. Ceteris Paribus

    Noah, and his sons Shem, Japheth, and Ham, were busy working all day. Their nameless wives didn’t have any convenient creeks where they could beat the dirty clothes against the rocks, and just lounged around eating bon-bons all day.

    So of course the wise Noah would provide a washing machine, freeing the nameless women folk to make productive use of their spare time, planning for the large trays of hors d’ oeuvres that would be needed when the ark finally landed and the family incest orgy party started.

  10. Well, that would me ironic! God puts Noah on a boat with an iPhone, then floods all the Apple Stores!

  11. Is this the kind of crap that they think attracts investment to their project?

    Do they think it will attract tourists?

    “Honey, let’s fly to Cincinnati and drive two hours with the kids to see the Ark. It has a Flintstones style washing machine!”

    I sure as hell hope it’s powered by dinosaurs, like Fred’s.

    If they think this attracts investment, they’re pathetic.

  12. The whole truth

    What a bunch of deranged bible thumpers. Next thing you know, ol’ hambo will claim that the imaginary ark had solar panels, dehumidifiers, swimming pools, and even televisions so that the inhabitants (including the dinosaurs) could watch billy graham specials.

  13. Cetreis Paribus said:
    Noah, and his sons Shem, Japheth, and Ham, were busy working all day. Their nameless wives didn’t have any convenient creeks where they could beat the dirty clothes against the rocks, and just lounged around eating bon-bons all day.

    Nameless because unless the women have something extraordinary about them to speak of, they always go nameless in the patriarchal bible. And wasn’t it Moe, Curly, Larry and Shem?

  14. Our Curmudgeon’s résumé modestly states

    We never worked in a zoo

    Perhaps not, Curmy, but your extensive and Herculean labours mucking out the Augean stables of Creationism over so many years would render mere zoo employment an absolute doddle…

  15. I couldn’t resist thinking of what the Flintstones would have in the way of a washing machine.

  16. Some fundamentalists do seem to be toying with the idea that before the Great Flood, some sort of high-tech society existed. The, ahem, logic is something to the effect that people back then were much smarter (being closer to human perfection), and had much more time to develop their skills (life expectancy was close to a 1000 years, or so the Good Book tells us). Why not go all the way and say that the “ark” was really some kind of space shuttle, and that Noah and his zoo spent a year ORBITING the flooded planet below?

    As for Ham’s attempt to fund his ark “replica” (which I suspect would really be the original), I have been following the rate of donation at arkencounter.com for a little while. For the last 23 days, the daily average has been about $ 5278. The intend to raise $ 24.5 million; they still lack $ 11,860,000. So the goal would seem to be SIX YEARS away. I suspect Ken Ham may have over-estimated the public appetite for a new ark.

    Ham is originally from Australia, I believe. Another Australian, Clive Palmer, has announced his intention to build a replica of the Titanic. I wonder who will finish first, Ham or Palmer. Probably Palmer, since HE actually has the money to get the job done. Also, Palmer has a ship design that can — as a matter of historical record — actually FLOAT (until you crash into an iceberg). But of course, Ham’s planned Ark Park will be landbased, and sort of side-steps the issue.

  17. I suggest that the fundamentalists are projecting modern western cultural values into the Ancient Near East. Not just technology. In this case, modern ideas of cleanliness, wearing clean clothes and not being smelly.
    I’d bet that depictions of the Flood do not include graphic scenes of the death and destruction with bloated corpses, scenes which would be offensive to the target audience for an amusement park in 21st century USA.

  18. Of course they would have had a washing machines! Except we probably would have referred to them as “Noah’s wife and his sons’ wives.”

  19. I suppose the agitator was powered by a Velociraptor on a treadmill, and the tub filled with the trunk of a Mammoth. Yabba dabba do! It’s time for laundry!

  20. I suspect they had little need for clothes, and probably went nude most of the time. As God must have said, “what happens on the ark, stays on the ark.” This may account for the lack of any details whatsoever about life inside the ark – God sealed the door when the flood came down, and the next we know, they’ve grounded and the flood is over.

    This might also help explain why Noah inexplicably cursed his son Ham and all his descendants into slavery for simply seeing him lying naked and drunk in his own tent. It wasn’t the act itself, it was the unfortunate reminder of that “lost year” they were all trying to forget. Noah had slipped back into the old habits, and was embarrassed and angry at being caught. (Shem and Japheth tried to cover it up, but evidently still ratted out their brother.) This makes much more sense that the image of Noah as such a prude that his son can’t see him naked.

    It is interesting that our current-day Ham is also trying to expose the ancient Noah, and tell all his secrets. It’s too bad Noah is no longer around to curse him.

    One last curious thing – there is no mention of how many wives the sons of Noah had on the ark. It seems to me that many wives would be required to do all the propagating that was necessary to create the generations who would build cities and nations following the flood. Numerous extra wives would also solve some of the problems of tending to the animals on the ark. Hey, it’s more logical than a washing machine!

  21. “The only explicit statement in the Bible that there were exactly eight people on the Ark is in 1 Peter 3:20” – Wikipedia Wives aboard Noah’s Ark