Creationist Wisdom #327: More Darwin Crimes

Thanks to one of our newly-recruited clandestine operatives, we learned about today’s letter-to-the-editor. It appears in the Redding Record Searchlight of Redding, California. The letter is titled Teaching evolution in class is creepy. It’s creepy? Who could resist a letter like that?

We’ll give you a few excerpts, enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary, and some bold font for emphasis. As we usually do we’ll omit the writer’s name and city. The thing begins by saying that it’s in response to an earlier letter written by Ken Archuleta: Creationism still creeping into biology class.

Archuleta’s letter was excellent, and we assume that’s where today’s letter-writer got the word “creepy” that he used in his title. As we proceed, we think you’ll find a lot of creepiness. Okay, here we go:

Ken Archuleta’s biology teaches that dinosaur scales evolved to bird feathers. Their massive thick bones evolved to light hollow bird bones, that bag-like animal lungs turned to bird lungs and that snouts turned into horny beaks.

Yes, the fossil record shows that about feathers. As for the rest of what “biology teaches,” the huge dinosaurs didn’t morph into parakeets; they probably just went extinct. Birds evolved from much smaller dinos. The letter-writer seems to have a problem getting the concepts clear in his mind, and he makes that explicit in his next paragraph:

The above fairy tale is like believing a train locomotive turned into a Piper Cub.

That’s a peculiar variation of Hoyle’s fallacy (tornado in a junkyard), because the letter-writer isn’t denying that new and complicated things can develop, but that once developed they can’t change. Anyway, he’s just getting warmed up:

Evolutionary biologists teach that dairy cows waded into a shallow bay and evolved into whales. That story takes a lot of faith; it sure would creep out moose, which love to wade.

Yup! That’s exactly what biologists teach. Dairy farmers have to keep their animals out of the water or they’ll turn into whales. Okay, having convinced us that he understands the theory of evolution, the letter-writer starts discussing Charles Darwin — the most evil man in the history of the galaxy:

Even Darwin thought it absurd that the eye, with all its astounding attributes and connections, could ever evolve by natural selection. Yet all creatures have two! Miracle.

Hey — he’s right. We don’t have just one miraculous eye, we have two! Oh, as for what Darwin actually wrote, see Evolution of the Eye. Let’s read on:

If Archuleta [the earlier letter-writer] has any real scientific proof of a species turning into another higher-developed species, he may collect $250,000 from

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! He’s talking about Kent Hovind’s $250,000 Offer. We haven’t seen that mentioned for years — not since Hovind went to the slammer. The letter continues:

However, evolution can be seen in politics and history. Our highly moral Christian Founding Fathers demanded freedom from the dictator’s whip because King Jesus demanded, thou shalt not steal, covet or murder.

Ah, so that’s what the American Revolution was all about. Here’s more:

Alas, the Founders’ guiding spirit is gone from the church.

Yes! What we need now is great churchmen like Washington, Jefferson, and Franklin. Moving along:

In its place is dreamy gnosticism and cop-out rapturism. The resulting vacuum evolved Darwinism — survival of the most evil — Nietzsche-ism, Nazism, Marxism, Islamism, resulting in suffering, torture and death for billions, and far more in this new century.

Darwin was responsible for Islam! We didn’t know that. Here’s another excerpt:

Thanks to U.N. gangsters humanity will be reduced to a primordial pit of slime. Now that’s real evolution; the environmentalists and biologists will love it.

That’s the first time we’ve seen the United Nations mentioned in a creationist letter. That outfit is Darwin’s fault too. And now we come to the end:

Greed, envy and pride rule the hearts of men, but God rules the world.

We’re not sure if the letter-writer is blaming Darwin for greed, envy, and pride, but he probably is. This has been quite a letter. Creepy indeed.

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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16 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #327: More Darwin Crimes

  1. That one left me exhausted.

  2. Off topic, but I can’t resist pointing out that one of the responses to this letter tells us:
    Man used to think the world was flat until the telescope was invented.
    I hadn’t heard that one before.

  3. Someone has been enjoying his medical marijuana a tad too much lately.

  4. Ceteris Paribus

    Not much time to write. Have to run off to our local Founding Fathers re-enactment gala. I mean our real, godly, white anglo-saxon protestant founders who came to this continent to establish The City on the Hill for the glory of god and wonder of the world.

    We’re going to hang a few local Quakers in the city park, drown that old witch who lives in the camping trailer, and finish off by banishing all the Catholics to some other town. Jebus, it’s great to be an American.

  5. Garnetstar

    Highly moral founding fathers? Let’s ask Sally Jennings about that. And yes, Jefferson’s guiding spirit on the morality of owning slaves is gone from (most) churches. What a pity.

    I didn’t know that the U.N. single-handedly drives mutation and selection! Well, you live and learn.

  6. Alex Shuffell

    Although he never criticised anything scientific and only rambled against some cartoon biology this twisted mind has created, he still gave us what is probably my favourite criticism of evolution:
    “That story takes a lot of faith; it sure would creep out moose, which love to wade”
    It scares moose (meese/mooses?)! If that catches on American education would be in for more trouble.

  7. anevilmeme

    Hocky smokes Bullwinkle you’re turning into a whale!

    There is so much goofy goodness in this letter it should be up for some kind of award. It really is on par with the Onion, marred only by the fact the letter writer is dead serious. Which just makes it funnier.

  8. I think you mistake his point, which is not that Darwin engendered Islam, but that the same causes that gave rise to evolutionary theory also gave rise to Muslim extremism. And that cause was the United Nations. Which is all the fault of churches abandoning the biblically-based teachings of the staunch deist Benjamin Franklin and endorsing premillennial dispensationalism, which is of course the theology behind the Left Behind series. So when you get right down to it, the author is arguing that Tim LaHaye, one of the founders of the (precursor to) the Institute for Creation Research, is really the man responsible for evolutionary theory and hydrophobic moose. This is surely a more novel and interesting theory than you usually get.

  9. Steven J. says: “I think you mistake his point”

    Perhaps so. That letter was a bit of a struggle for me.

  10. Begs the question — why on earth do newspaper editors (supposedly educated) choose to publish letters like this?

    Maybe the editor has a personal dislike for the letter-writer, and relishes the fact the letter-writer has given him this great opportunity to make the writer look bat$**t crazy. Only logical explanation I can think of.

  11. Do take the time to read Ken Archuleta’s original letter, the one this less-than-bright individual was responding to:

    As SC notes, it is excellent. Contemplating the intellectual gulf between these two letter-writers is rather instructive, and maybe a little disturbing.

  12. It seems Bug Eyes Bachmann along with Joseph Farah of WorldNutDaily have gone full Westboro on us: they know say the 9/11 terror attacks were God’s punishment of America because it is a wicked, immoral country… because it tolerates gay marriage and whatever. Osama bin Laden didn’t murder 3,000 Americans, fag-hatin’ God did. So they’re not really victims– they had it comin’.

  13. The whole truth

    “Yet all creatures have two!” (eyes)

    The letter writer obviously doesn’t know about or doesn’t care about creatures with no eyes or with more than two. Ignorance is bliss.

  14. The most creepy thing was Giesecke’s letter! Apparently, most of the 173 commenters to his idiocy (I always read comments, if there are any) thought so, too.

  15. @Diogenes: Bachmann & Farah say the 9/11 terror attacks were God’s punishment of America…

    Jerry Falwell was saying the same thing right after the attacks, but God shut him up.

  16. Techreseller

    I must say I could not follow this letter. On many of the points he tried to make all I could think was “what? How did you come to that conclusion based on that evidence?”. Wandered all over the place.