Are you tired of being laughed at on the internet and ignored at parties? Have you tried to gain popularity by learning the accordion but found that you had no talent for it? Are you on the verge of giving up and becoming a recluse? Well hold on, don’t quit yet. Your Curmudgeon has just what you need to be famous and admired.
Yes, dear reader, we know how you can become a respected creation scientist. We have discovered the exact method for writing publishable papers on creation science just like those that appear at the websites of famous creation research organizations and in their online journals. We guarantee that with practice, you too can have the respect you deserve as a creation scientist. Your opinions will be sought after. You will be praised and honored everywhere you go — except by Darwinists, but nobody cares about them.
How did we learn all this? For years we have been studying the material published by that great and world-famous creationist outfit — the Institute for Creation Research (ICR). They’re described in the Cast of Characters section of our Intro page.
Our study has paid off. We’ve cracked the code. We have found the magic formula. To illustrate the method, we will use as our model ICR’s latest article: Plants Use Underground ‘Fungal Internet’ to Communicate. It begins — as your papers should begin — by saying:
Researchers have just documented how [copy some details from a published research paper].
Note, dear reader, that you don’t have to waste your time or dirty your hands by doing any research yourself. All that is required is to point to some research done by someone else.
To add a scholarly touch, your next paragraph should cite the journal where the research was published. You don’t have to link to the published paper — your readers are unlikely to care — but at least include a proper citation. Or, if finding the published paper is too much trouble, then just mention the newspaper where you read about the research. That will be sufficient.
Okay, you’ve got a topic and you’re off to a good start. What next? Now comes the hard part. You need to summarize the research that was done. Don’t worry, the published science paper probably does this for you. However, be sure to use very general language in your summary so that your intended audience doesn’t get confused. To do that you may have to look up the meaning of a few words. This is hard work, but it’s worth it.
At this point you may be wondering: What you’ve written so far is about science! But it’s not creation science. How do you go from one to the other? Ah, that’s the secret technique we’ve learned. This is the part that you must practice until you have mastered it.
Pay attention as we show you how it’s done. We copied this from the final, climactic paragraph of ICR’s latest article, leaving out the material that will vary with each paper you write:
Evolutionists are hard-pressed to explain how [whatever you described] such as these could have come about through Darwinian evolution — particularly when they involve [optional extra details, if any]. Instead, this is clear evidence for intelligent design by an omnipotent and wise Creator.
So there you are. That’s how to write a creation science paper. Now go forth and do thou likewise.
See also: How To Handle Embarrassing Evidence.
See also: Discoveroids Learn from the Curmudgeon.
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