How To Write a Creation Science Paper

Are you tired of being laughed at on the internet and ignored at parties? Have you tried to gain popularity by learning the accordion but found that you had no talent for it? Are you on the verge of giving up and becoming a recluse? Well hold on, don’t quit yet. Your Curmudgeon has just what you need to be famous and admired.

Yes, dear reader, we know how you can become a respected creation scientist. We have discovered the exact method for writing publishable papers on creation science just like those that appear at the websites of famous creation research organizations and in their online journals. We guarantee that with practice, you too can have the respect you deserve as a creation scientist. Your opinions will be sought after. You will be praised and honored everywhere you go — except by Darwinists, but nobody cares about them.

How did we learn all this? For years we have been studying the material published by that great and world-famous creationist outfit — the Institute for Creation Research (ICR). They’re described in the Cast of Characters section of our Intro page.

Our study has paid off. We’ve cracked the code. We have found the magic formula. To illustrate the method, we will use as our model ICR’s latest article: Plants Use Underground ‘Fungal Internet’ to Communicate. It begins — as your papers should begin — by saying:

Researchers have just documented how [copy some details from a published research paper].

Note, dear reader, that you don’t have to waste your time or dirty your hands by doing any research yourself. All that is required is to point to some research done by someone else.

To add a scholarly touch, your next paragraph should cite the journal where the research was published. You don’t have to link to the published paper — your readers are unlikely to care — but at least include a proper citation. Or, if finding the published paper is too much trouble, then just mention the newspaper where you read about the research. That will be sufficient.

Okay, you’ve got a topic and you’re off to a good start. What next? Now comes the hard part. You need to summarize the research that was done. Don’t worry, the published science paper probably does this for you. However, be sure to use very general language in your summary so that your intended audience doesn’t get confused. To do that you may have to look up the meaning of a few words. This is hard work, but it’s worth it.

At this point you may be wondering: What you’ve written so far is about science! But it’s not creation science. How do you go from one to the other? Ah, that’s the secret technique we’ve learned. This is the part that you must practice until you have mastered it.

Pay attention as we show you how it’s done. We copied this from the final, climactic paragraph of ICR’s latest article, leaving out the material that will vary with each paper you write:

Evolutionists are hard-pressed to explain how [whatever you described] such as these could have come about through Darwinian evolution — particularly when they involve [optional extra details, if any]. Instead, this is clear evidence for intelligent design by an omnipotent and wise Creator.

So there you are. That’s how to write a creation science paper. Now go forth and do thou likewise.

See also: How To Handle Embarrassing Evidence.

See also: Discoveroids Learn from the Curmudgeon.

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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14 responses to “How To Write a Creation Science Paper

  1. Almost. Curm almost nailed it. However, he forgot to describe natural selection as blind chance, random chance, and chancety chance.

    Also, no Bible quotes and no Hitler. What’s a creation science paper without Hitler?

  2. I concur, you have to close out with a Bible quote

  3. I think I’ve got it!

    Researchers have just documented how and when Harry Potter became aware of his godfather’s identity and the murders he purportedly committed.

    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 4 – The Leaky Cauldron, page 43: Harry lay listening to the muffled shouting next door and wondered why he didn’t feel more scared. Sirius Black had murdered thirteen people with one curse…..

    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 10 – The Marauder’s Map, page 130: Black was best man when James married Lily. Then they named him godfather to Harry. Harry has no idea, of course……….

    Evolutionists are hard-pressed to explain how Harry Potter’s awareness of data such as these could have come about through Darwinian evolution — particularly when they involve stories related by reliable witnesses. Instead, this is clear evidence for intelligent design by an omnipotent and wise Creator

  4. Diogenes, let’s not forget good old Joe Stalin. Under his rule Mendelian genetics was suppressed, geneticists were purged and sent to the Gulag, and the Communist party endorsed a kind of Lamarckian view of heredity promoted by T.D. Lysenko. A very sad day in the history of science indeed.

  5. What I was expecting was something like this:
    Scientific paper such-and-such found something new. The Darwinians always believed the old thing, and the latest scientific research shows that the Darwinians were wrong. Therefore, Intelligent Design/Young Earth/Noah’s Ark/whatever.

  6. The best thing about the conclusion is that one does not need to identify any evolutionists that might be “hard-pressed”. It’s enough to simply say they are.

  7. Except for explicit references to a creator and or bible quotes, this technique also might be employed by the dishonesty institute’s cast of charlatons.

  8. Diogenes complains: “Curm almost nailed it. However, he forgot to describe natural selection as blind chance … Also, no Bible quotes and no Hitler.”

    *Sigh* I give you the fruits of years of solitary study, but it’s not enough. There’s just no pleasing you.

  9. David; That got me wondering about the tooters and bible quotes. Apparently they do use them, a quick Google search found this article http://www.discovery.org/a/3475 with 7 references. I didn’t read it, I just counted the references.

  10. Writing scientific papers just made easy.

  11. Don’t forget to use a few ten dollar words and technological jargon that is sure to go over the heads of the flock you are fleecing. Techie speak gives your paper an air of authority even if it is just gobbledygook. Know your audience, they don’t need to know everything you’re talking about, it is enough you sound like an authority. (Though you are just riding the coat-tails of the fantastic success of real science.)

  12. Paul S.
    Yes, but Klinghoffer’s article wasn’t about science even though he’s a discoveroid. They feel quite free to expound on their judeo-christian jibberish if it isn’t science, in their minds there’s a clear distinction that they make in that regard, and which points back to the wedge document, i.e., bring back that old-time religion.

  13. David;
    You read the article? I feel I owe you a beer or two for pain and suffering.