Amazingly Inventive Free Fire Zone

In moments of desperation, such as those that face your Curmudgeon when there’s no relevant news of The Controversy, our awesome creative powers rise to the occasion and bring forth wonders. This, dear reader, is one of those occasions.

You may have heard of the latest technological breakthrough from Microsoft. If not, Ars Technica has an article about it: Microsoft designs smart bra to combat emotional eating. All you need from us is one brief excerpt:

Microsoft researchers have developed a bra-mounted sensor system that measures boob sweat and heart activity in order to detect emotional triggers for overeating.

The research is based on the idea that people eat not just when they are hungry but also for a host of emotional and habitual reasons. The goal was to provide a system that could intervene before the person turns to food for emotional support.

Neat idea, but it’s so limited in scope. Those inventors have no vision. They’re shortsighted fools! In a sudden, blinding instant of inspiration, your Curmudgeon saw the full potential of such a device — it can conquer the madness of creationism!

You’re gasping, trying to comprehend the magnificence of it all. And you’re asking: Is such a thing really possible? Yes, dear reader, it definitely is. Read on, if you have the courage.

We call our invention the CurmudgeonBra. Equipped with miniaturized sensors that can instantly detect when the brain is descending into creationism, its tiny, needle-sharp claws are swiftly deployed to inflict the necessary punishment to discourage such behavior. The slightest thought that the Earth might be young or that the biosphere was engineered by a magic designer will cause the wearer of the bra to collapse and shriek in agony.

That’s the punishment phase. When the sensors detect that creationism has faded from the brain, the reward phase commences. The interior of the garment deploys ultra-sensitive, temperature controlled, vibrating stimulators which gently caress the … well, you get the idea.

Foolishness is punished, rationality is rewarded. The result is that the wearer of the CurmudgeonBra is swiftly cured of creationism. Think of the potential! When all females are equipped with our garment, creationism will vanish from the Earth!

Ah yes, we see there’s a question. Okay, you in the front row … what’s bothering you? You want to know why we are offering a garment designed only for ladies. Are we discriminating against them by implying that they are more afflicted by creationism than men?

No, your Curmudgeon is blessedly free of all prejudice. The reason for our selectivity should be obvious. When the ladies are not only immune to creationism, but are actively repulsed by it, men will automatically react in accordance with their natural stimulus and response mechanism, which needs no description.

[*Audience bursts into applause*] As soon as you’ve all recovered from your admiring swoon, you may treat this post as an Intellectual Free Fire Zone. As with all our free-fire zones, we’re open for the discussion of pretty much anything — feel free to express yourselves about science, economics, politics, philosophy, or … well, what else is there? Say what you will. But avoid flame-wars and beware of the profanity filters.

We now throw open the comments to you. Have at it.

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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15 responses to “Amazingly Inventive Free Fire Zone

  1. I applaud your creativity, Curmudgeon, but I must insist on gender equity. After all, most of the creationists one hears about are men, not women. Certainly the most loudmouthed ones are men. That’s why we desperately need a jock strap similarly supplied with “tiny needle-sharp claws” for the punishment phase. As far as I’m concerned, you could just leave it at that. But with respect to the women’s garment, I think you’ve put the vibrator at the wrong end. May I suggest that you go back to the drawing board for a more… intelligent design?

  2. I have to agree, and most heartily, with linnetmoss, when she noted

    After all, most of the creationists one hears about are men, not women. Certainly the most loudmouthed ones are men. That’s why we desperately need a jock strap similarly supplied with “tiny needle-sharp claws” for the punishment phase.

    Except, I think the garment would more fittingly be described as a Curmudgeon Codpiece

  3. Charles Deetz ;)

    The problem with invention is that the user has to decide to put it on. Maybe at least as a christmas gift, the recipient would be obligated to put it on once. A malfunction in the clasp could ensure it is worn long enough to teach some lessons.

  4. Apologies to Seinfeld, but you could always call the male version a CurmudgeonBro or CurmudgeonManssiere. As Linnetmoss noted, the great majority who “descend into creationism” are men anyway. Unless you mean just descending into “I believe the Bible, and nothing will change my mind,” then it’s ~50% women. But I’m pretty sure you mean the endless “heads I win, tails you lose” word games about “Darwinism,” in which case it must be at least 80% men. In fact, if you saved all your 370+ “creationist wisdom” articles, you could give an even better estimate.

  5. linnetmoss suggests: “I think you’ve put the vibrator at the wrong end.”

    I’m aware of such things, and I’m guessing that you’ve been living a cloistered life. Three words of advice: Meet more women.

  6. Ceteris Paribus

    No need for the conquering the madness of creationism here. But is it possible to special order one for our teenager that simply says “The wages of sin is death – Romans 6:23” when the clasp is disturbed?

    No, wait a moment, I think the standard Creationism model may do the job.

  7. Anthony Burgess dealt with this theme — of behavior compelled by threat of overwhelming, immediate punishment, and the lack of free will it entails — in his novel “A Clockwork Orange.”

  8. Ah, Curmudgeon, I speak with confidence when I say that most of us ladies have a better use for a vibrator than inserting it into our bras. But however much a neophyte you may be in the design of ingenious sex devices, I award you bonus points for finally writing something sensuous. May I venture to hope for future posts on the topic of Female Pleasure?

  9. linnetmoss ventures

    to hope for future posts on the topic of Female Pleasure?

    I have it on the best authority (Olivia, of course), that ‘female pleasure’ is one topic of which our Curmudgeon is entirely innocent of any knowledge or experience.

  10. Since it’s a Free Fire Zone, and since we recently had an assessment of Fox News…

    A Fox News writer has written three outright fake stories about the “War on Christmas”, and that’s just within the last two weeks.

    The funniest one is where the Fox reporter says that a public school banned the colors red and green.

    Nov. 26, 2013: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/11/26/american-humanist-association-sues-teacher-who-prayed-for-sick-student/

    December 4, 2013. A Fox News Reporter Spins This Story About a School District ‘Confiscating’. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/04/check-out-how-a-fox-news-reporter-spins-this-story-about-a-school-district-confiscating-holiday-cards/

    December 7, 2013. Todd Starnes of Fox News Lies Again: A Texas School Did Not Ban Christmas Trees and the Colors Red & Green. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/07/todd-starnes-of-fox-news-lies-again-a-texas-school-did-not-ban-christmas-trees-and-the-colors-red-green/

    These links are to Friendly Atheist, so they’re NSFT (Not Safe for Theists.)

  11. Oh, I don’t know. For a minute there, I thought he was writing the next “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

  12. How rapidly the tone has sunk — from bras to jockstraps to cod pieces to vibrators to Fox News.

    May I suggest instead, for the male Creationist, the compulsory wearing of the Corrective Fake Groucho Marx Mustache? As Creationist thoughts began to bubble to the surface, the mustache would detect the first traces of the noxious gas about to be used for speech purposes. It could then either erupt up the nostrils or, preferably, insert random quotes from Duck Soup into the Creationist’s peroration.

    This latter wouldn’t much affect the audiences of, say Ken Ham, Ray Comfort and David Rives, who would probably nod in sage agreement at such remarks as “The majesty of the Lord is displayed in the remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honour, which is probably more than she ever did glories of the heavens above,” but at least it’d be a clue for the rest of us that bunkum was being spoken.

  13. Thanks for keeping us all abreast of the newest technology in the fight against those creationist boobs.

  14. Mark Germano says: “Thanks for keeping us all abreast of the newest technology”

    It’s my pleasure to give you uplifting news.

  15. But surely this hot-off-the-Wordpress set of revelations (not, note, Revelations) counts as news: ACE Infantile creationist burblings rated equivalent to UK A-level (school leaving; University entrance) exams http://leavingfundamentalism.wordpress.com/2013/12/09/33-jaw-droppingly-bad-multiple-choice-questions-from-accelerated-christian-education/
    My own commentary at http://wp.me/p21T1L-9Y