There has never yet been a post compiling of all the revolutionary inventions produced in our secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory, located far beneath the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.
As you know, our activities extend beyond mere surveillance. Our vast, superbly-equipped la-BOR-a-tory is engaged in cutting-edge research. One of our teams is busily developing an anti-gravity machine — which will soon be operational. Another team has almost completed the prototype of a functional time machine. A third team is conducting faster-then-light research. Yet another is about to perfect a perpetual motion machine.
And from time to time we announce what’s been produced in a special section of our la-BOR-a-tory, which is devoted to evolutionary biology and creationism. Herewith is a catalog of our practical contributions to the world’s technology, listed in no particular order:
Our most recent contrivance is the CurmudgeonBra™, described in today’s Amazingly Inventive Free Fire Zone.
Then there was the Curmudgeon’s DesignDetector™ — described in this post.
It’s impossible to overlook our Retard-o-tron™, with its blaring sirens, flashing lights, and its wall display that alerts us to the latest creationist news, to which our computer is automatically locked. We’ve traced its use as far back as February of 2011, in this post, but we don’t recall when we first deployed it.
We briefly (and prematurely) mentioned the Curmudgeon’s time machine, based on the Steady State Time Cube theory, and although we said that it works and can take us to the future, it hasn’t been perfected yet. That, ah … untimely disclosure was in Iranian Scientist Invents Time Machine.
It was in Traditional Americans, Texas Style, that we first used our top-secret InterStall™ bathroom listening device, which is essential for spying on creationists.
The BozoProbe™ is a revolutionary, super-secret device that can literally tap into the brains of creationists to read their thoughts. It was first used here: The Brain of Ronda Storms.
Who could forget the Slime-O-Meter™? It’s a precise, highly advanced scientific instrument capable of giving exact readings for specific creationist claims. The readings are on an exquisitely calibrated scale starting at Ankle Deep and gradually increasing in magnitude through the grades of Knee Deep, Hip Deep, Chest Deep, Neck Deep, all the way to the maximum reading of Deluge, indicating that the flood of creationist slime is cataclysmic. We described it here.
We may have overlooked a few items. As we come across them, they’ll be added to this post. Where else can you find information like this? And don’t overlook our Compendium of Curmudgeonly Concepts.
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