Compendium of Curmudgeonly Contrivances

There has never yet been a post compiling of all the revolutionary inventions produced in our secret, underground la-BOR-a-tory, located far beneath the CITADEL — the Curmudgeonly Institute for Tactics, Advocacy, and Defense of the Enlightenment Legacy — the secret global nerve center for monitoring events throughout the Creosphere, where your Curmudgeon is headquartered in his luxurious underground control room.

As you know, our activities extend beyond mere surveillance. Our vast, superbly-equipped la-BOR-a-tory is engaged in cutting-edge research. One of our teams is busily developing an anti-gravity machine — which will soon be operational. Another team has almost completed the prototype of a functional time machine. A third team is conducting faster-then-light research. Yet another is about to perfect a perpetual motion machine.

And from time to time we announce what’s been produced in a special section of our la-BOR-a-tory, which is devoted to evolutionary biology and creationism. Herewith is a catalog of our practical contributions to the world’s technology, listed in no particular order:

Our most recent contrivance is the CurmudgeonBra, described in today’s Amazingly Inventive Free Fire Zone.

Then there was the Curmudgeon’s DesignDetector™ — described in this post.

It’s impossible to overlook our Retard-o-tron™, with its blaring sirens, flashing lights, and its wall display that alerts us to the latest creationist news, to which our computer is automatically locked. We’ve traced its use as far back as February of 2011, in this post, but we don’t recall when we first deployed it.

We briefly (and prematurely) mentioned the Curmudgeon’s time machine, based on the Steady State Time Cube theory, and although we said that it works and can take us to the future, it hasn’t been perfected yet. That, ah … untimely disclosure was in Iranian Scientist Invents Time Machine.

It was in Traditional Americans, Texas Style, that we first used our top-secret InterStall™ bathroom listening device, which is essential for spying on creationists.

The BozoProbe™ is a revolutionary, super-secret device that can literally tap into the brains of creationists to read their thoughts. It was first used here: The Brain of Ronda Storms.

Who could forget the Slime-O-Meter™? It’s a precise, highly advanced scientific instrument capable of giving exact readings for specific creationist claims. The readings are on an exquisitely calibrated scale starting at Ankle Deep and gradually increasing in magnitude through the grades of Knee Deep, Hip Deep, Chest Deep, Neck Deep, all the way to the maximum reading of Deluge, indicating that the flood of creationist slime is cataclysmic. We described it here.

We may have overlooked a few items. As we come across them, they’ll be added to this post. Where else can you find information like this? And don’t overlook our Compendium of Curmudgeonly Concepts.

Copyright © 2013. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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17 responses to “Compendium of Curmudgeonly Contrivances

  1. Don’t forget the vast army of Curminions! What kind of a super villain would you be without an army of ready, willing, and able pawns to use as you see fit? You must always remember the people on the bottom even if they are just peons.

  2. Jeepers! I had not previously known that you had pioneered the “InterStall™ bathroom listening device”–which was clearly the basis (if not, indeed, the inspiration) for David McConaghie’s lavatorial snoopings…

    Curmy, you go some ‘splainin to do!

  3. Megalonyx leaps to the wrong conclusion, and says: “Curmy, you go some ‘splainin to do!”

    The InterStall™ device is voice transmitter. We listen to creationists. Their bathroom devices watch people.

  4. Ceteris Paribus

    Anti-gravity, time machine, faster than light travel – the reporters at WND have proven that these have all been invented many times already.

    But the prototypes and design plans always get stolen by the same One World Order cabal that runs the Federal Reserve System, and owns the patents to the 100 mpg carburetor.

    Hope you have better luck.

  5. Ceteris Paribus says: “the reporters at WND have proven that these have all been invented many times already.”

    Yes, and they’ve found Noah’s Ark six different times.

  6. Our Curmudgeon Imperator claims

    Megalonyx leaps to the wrong conclusion

    I don’t think so. The Curmudgeon InterStall™ Bathroom Listening Device pre-dates the McConaghie Bathroom Viewing Device by at least two years, and we all know that Cretards are incapable of original work but entirely rely on distorting/corrupting/hacking the work of others.

    I don’t think there is any getting away from the hard and distressing fact here that you are the true patron saint of Creationist Voyeurs.

  7. Megalonyx, unable to accept the fact that Olivia thinks he’s creepy, lashes out at me and claims:

    you are the true patron saint of Creationist Voyeurs.

    Were my tastes the same as yours, i.e., if I were aroused by the sound of flatulence, then yes, I suppose the InterStall™ device could be put to that use. Perhaps that’s why you order them by the dozen.

  8. And to think I described the Curmudgeon as a neophyte designer of sex devices!

  9. Our Curmudgeon reveals, with Edward Snowden-like alacrity,

    you order them [the celebrated Curmudgeon InterStall™ Device] by the dozen.

    I have to call ‘foul’ here! The Terms & Conditions page of your on-line store (Curmudgeons-‘ explicitly states:

    Your privacy is very important to us. We will not sell, rent, or otherwise provide any information you give to us to any third party except to boost our profits, even though the prices of our shoddy goods are already outrageously inflated.

  10. Ceteris Paribus

    @ linnetmoss, It is a wonder that you could use those words in a single sentence without tripping SC’s automatic “Meticulous Moderation Monitor™”!

  11. Confidential note for our Curmudgeon only: ALL OTHERS, PLEASE IGNORE!


    I really am upset that you have published details of my purchases from your online store on the Dark Web.

    In light of this appalling breach of confidentiality, I must immediately cancel (with full refund payable) my monthly standing order for 50 x 100mg Dr. Oogity’s™ Miracle Membrum Virile Miracle Size-Reducing Potion. I know, I know, most men say they would be delighted to be afflicted with my large ‘dimensions’, but the truth of the matter here is that Olivia really doesn’t want my gifts to become general knowledge for fear I would be in too great demand from other women.

    Many thanks,


  12. @Megalonyx & SC: Wait, wait, WAIT!

    Let me get the popcorn.

    Okay. Please continue…

  13. Megalonyx speaks of his “affliction.” In truth — as Olivia will tearfully attest — he is a methane-o-phile, addicted to that foul vapor and the sounds which accompany its discharge. It is rumored (or in the UK, rumoured) that his bedroom is equipped with an array of speakers, providing him with a ghastly symphony of the recordings he obtained via his multiple purchases and inappropriate use of the the InterStall™ device.

  14. Interlude: Pure methane is odourless (or in the US, odorless). Flammable to be sure, even explosive in the right air mixture (4% to 15% by volume), but odourless. It’s mostly hydrogen sulphide that makes for the, er, aroma.

    Carry on, gentlemen.

  15. Our Curmudgeon perpetuates the ‘rumour’ about me that

    his bedroom is equipped with an array of speakers, providing him with a ghastly symphony of the recordings he obtained via his multiple purchases and inappropriate use of the the InterStall™ device

    The soundtrack in our boudoir–and at insistence of Olivia herself–is in fact the Northeast Pacific Blue Whale Call, which we recorded using an arrary of the usefully-waterproofed InterStall™ device. But I can see how, to Philistine ears, this soundtrack could be misinterpreted.

    I’ll admit, this would not normally be my own music of choice–but you know how it is, whatever it takes to keep my dear Olivia in ecstasy is fine by me. Inexplicably, Olivia claims that, although I am otherwise highly fit and of Olympic-class athletic build, there is one anatomical detail in which I put her in mind of the blue whale

  16. Megalonyx, while admitting the existence of the speakers and the sounds they emit, pleads the “Blue Whale” defense. But that’s a routine excuse in the methane-o-phile subculture. Not satisfied to test our gullibility that far, he then claims a bodily similarity to that creature. In overall physique, the resemblance may indeed be remarkably whale-like. But going beyond that is where the analogy … shall we say, falls short.

  17. Megs says, “… there is one anatomical detail in which I put her in mind of the blue whale…”

    I thought you were referring to your baleen smile…

    Gentlemen, gentlemen. You are definitely creeping Olivia out. You should know she is an avid reader of SC’s blog.