Creationist Wisdom #379: Righteous Anger

There are times when we read one of these things and wonder if we’re all alone, like some giggling loon wandering down the street. But then, dear reader, you show up and reassure us — this stuff really is funny.

Today’s letter-to-the-editor appears in the Observer of Dunkirk, New York. It’s titled Why target ‘Bible believers?’ We’ll give you a few excerpts, enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary, and some bold font for emphasis. Because we don’t like to embarrass people (unless they’re politicians or otherwise in the public eye), we’ll omit the writer’s name and city. Okay, here we go:

When I saw the picture of Christopher Schaeffer being sworn in as Pomfret Councilman with a strainer on his head … in the Jan. 7 OBSERVER, I thought why are these people and many others so afraid of Christianity?

He’s referring to this: ‘Strainer’ things have happened — Pomfret councilman sworn in wearing colander. Midway through that article is a picture of Christopher Schaeffer taking the oath of office. His bizarre headgear was, he explained, because he’s a minister in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It’s definitely worth a click to see it.

Today’s letter-writer isn’t amused. In fact, he’s furious! He says:

Atheists are now meeting on Sundays to mock Christianity. They claim “not to be a religion,” but yet they are. Webster’s Dictionary defines: “Religion, a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held with faith and strong feelings.” It sounds to me as if they are quite religious. Mr. Schaeffer claims his church has no “dogma.” Dogma is something considered as an established opinion, says Webster’s Dictionary.

According to his “church” they do not believe “in creationism or a Creator.” This sounds dogmatic to me. … What we are witnessing are what the Bible calls the last days and good versus evil.

The last days? That’s what he concludes because someone is wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Let’s read on:

I am not one who tries to shove Christianity down anyone’s throat. If I came knocking at your door, and you didn’t want to hear about it; that would be fine and acceptable with me. I would not make fun of you if you were an atheist or some other type of religion. I respect your right to that, but you should also respect my right to believe in God and creationism.

“Respect” his believing in creationism? The letter-writer has the right to his beliefs, but respect is too strong a word. Your Curmudgeon recognizes his right to be a creationist. The letter continues:

To me, it is hard to fathom that there isn’t a God. I just look at the sky at night or the sunrise in the morning and say “Wow.” Everything is in complete order. The lake and the oceans have boundaries and can go no further. If you look at the plants and animals here or in other parts of the world on television, they are just amazing. How about holding a newborn baby? These are just a few examples of Creationism.

There’s no denying it — the man’s got evidence! Here’s more:

Do you really believe everything came from an explosion from gases that didn’t even exist? You have more faith (trust) in nothing than I do in a Creator. It isn’t hard to become a believer in Jesus (not denominations You won’t find a denomination in the Bible.) Admit to God that you are a sinner and [paragraph of preaching].

No denominations? Who were the Pharisees, Sadducees, Essenes, and Zealots? It doesn’t matter. Moving along:

It is your decision to make. In a little while hell will be breaking out on this earth (The Tribulation.) Sadly, most so called “Bible believers” are afraid to give out the warning because they may get laughed at.

Your Curmudgeon has no such fear. Verily, we say unto you: When the Tribulation comes, you don’t want to be walking around with a spaghetti strainer on your head. Here’s another excerpt:

How will you feel when you stand before Jesus, and He asks you, why didn’t you warn people? Jesus said, [bible, bible, bible]. It is sad, to think that when you die, there is no afterlife. I serve a “Risen Savior” and I know there is an afterlife.

He knows! And now we come to the end:

I also know where I am going when I die and that is Heaven. My Savior Jesus Christ said “if you do not believe in Me you will end up in the lake of fire.” No matter how good you are on this earth, only trusting in Jesus will save you. Your choice.

So there you are. You stand at a fork in the road, dear reader. One leads to a pile of spaghetti and then the lake of fire. Which path you choose is up to you.

Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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12 responses to “Creationist Wisdom #379: Righteous Anger

  1. A few days ago, my son sent me a little cartoon of Jesus knocking on the door of what is probably someone’s house, and the dialog goes like this:

    Jesus: Let me in.
    Person on other side of door: Why?
    Jesus: So I can save you.
    Person on other side of door: From what?
    Jesus: From what I’m going to do to you if you don’t let me in

    The concept of Christian “Salvation” has never been more succinctly described.

  2. “The lake and the oceans have boundaries and can go no further.”
    Oh man, this guy should totally tell this his Dutch fellow-christians in the province of Zeeland and Zuid-Holland. They know first hand that the see doesn’t have boundaries:

    https://beeldbank.rws.nl/RuimtevoordeRivier/(S(0pn5ndlmttde0m4ofaqkyvyy))/MediaObject/Details/De%20watersnoodramp%201953%20%20Provincie%20%20%20Zuid%20Holland%20Technische%20gegevens%20%20Digitaal%20bestand_274907

    And do I remember something like creationists believing in Noah’s Flood?

    “Do you really believe everything came from an explosion from gases that didn’t even exist?”
    Bold font failure! This makes every physicist ROFL, especially the word “gases”.

    “It is sad, to think that when you die, there is no afterlife.”
    I think it actually very comforting. Eternal life, brrrr.
    Yup, an excellent piece of s***, a true gem.

  3. Irony and ridicule usually sink without a trace in the humourless quagmire of the True Believer’s™ mind owing to overwhelming feelings of persecution. Were it otherwise, Poe’s Law would not be a law.

  4. “You stand at a fork in the road, dear reader. One leads to a pile of spaghetti and then the lake of fire. Which path you choose is up to you.”

    Well, my significant other, her daughter, and I are going out to our favorite Italian restaurant for dinner this evening. Guess I’m off to the pile of spaghetti, and then the lake of fire. Ramen.

  5. Good thing we’re standing at a fork, I’ll need one to twirl my spaghetti.

    What this guy doesn’t realized is that sometimes spaghetti is worth an eternity in the lake of fire. If, for example, it is served with my grandmother’s bolognese sauce.

  6. The case of Christopher Schaeffer has something of a European precedent. I don’t know if the story was raised before on this blog or in its comments, but some time ago there was a case where an Austrian citizen made a successful bid to be photographed for his driver’s licence while wearing a colander on his head. His argument was that if adherents of other religions were permitted to wear their respective headgear in such photos, it would be discriminatory if FSM believers were prevented from doing likewise. In a subsequent interview, the plaintiff admitted that he did it to make a point, not because he’s a fundamentalist pastafarian or a sauce-recipe-thumping literalist. 😉

  7. How will you feel when you stand before Jesus, and He asks you, why didn’t you warn people?

    My first reaction would be: Why didn’t you warn people?

  8. I may have just had my biggest “D’Oh! moment” ever. Recently I wondered out loud why ~95% of people who write these hilarious letters-to-the-editor are men, yet more women than men doubt evolution. Of course! They’re trying to pick up women! They may not even know they’re doing it, and may be horrified by the suggestion. But they’re still slaves to their Y chromosomes.

  9. Wearing a spaghetti strainer on the head has something to do with “the last days” and good versus evil? Headgear as an omen, that’s a new one.

  10. Yes, thank you, mnb0. I was thinking of the bloke reported on in the BBC article, your first link.

  11. Waldteufel, quoting a cartoon caption:

    Jesus: Let me in.
    Person on other side of door: Why?
    Jesus: So I can save you.
    Person on other side of door: From what?
    Jesus: From what I’m going to do to you if you don’t let me in

    You forgot the last line:

    Person on other side of door: I’m David Klinghoffer, and I don’t believe you, so go away. 🙂