Noah’s Ark — Two Important Items

This is your lucky day, dear reader. As our title promises, we are bringing you two — yes, two! — news items about Noah’s Ark.

First, at PhysOrg, we read Sloth truly deserves its name, biologists say. They say, embellished with our bold font:

Imagine a creature so slothful that it snacks off its own fur and budges only once a week for a bowel movement. Well, there is one, say scientists, and it is a type of sloth.

Got your attention, didn’t we? But wait — there’s more:

Having carefully studied the full extent of the animal’s idleness, a team of biologists revealed Wednesday that the sloth truly deserves its adjectival name. The three-toed variety in particular has perfected the art of inertia through a carefully choreographed slowdance with a particular species of moth. The sloths dwell in the forest canopy, where they live mainly on tree leaves.

According to Wikipedia, the three-toed sloth lives in South and Central America. They also say: “Famously slow-moving, the sloth travels at an average speed of 0.24 kilometres per hour (0.15 mph).” Those are important details, and we’ll return to them later. Meanwhile, back to PhysOrg:

Once a week, however, the animal will descend from its tree to defecate on the ground — a risky endeavour that makes it vulnerable to predators, according to a study published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

Egad! The sloth actually risks its life in order to defecate. After a week, who wouldn’t? Here’s a link to that paper: A syndrome of mutualism reinforces the lifestyle of a sloth, but you’ll need a subscription to read more than the abstract. One more excerpt from PhysOrg:

When the sloth descends, the scientists found, the moths that live in its fur lay their eggs in its dung, where the larvae develop before emerging as adults and flying up into the tree to join the rest of the colony in the languid animal’s coat. The moths act as a type of fertiliser and boost nitrogen levels in sloth fur, which in turn boosts algae growth. The source could be tiny amounts of dung that are brought up from by the ground by the insects.

The sloth’s individual hairs have cracks that fill with rainwater in which algae grow hydroponically. This creates algae-gardens that sloths consume to augment their limited, leaf-based diet, said the researchers.

Admirably efficient — a wondrous animal indeed! What does this have to do with Noah’s Ark? When we consider the sloth’s sluggish ways, and where it lives, we’re reminded of a question we asked some time ago — how did the three-toed sloth migrate to South America from the Ark’s landing site in the Mountains of Ararat?

While you’re pondering that, we turn to our second Ark story. This one comes from the creation scientists at Answers in Genesis (AIG). Their new post is Putting the Ark into Perspective. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us:

The Bible tells us Noah’s Ark was 300 cubits long (Genesis 6:15). Several months ago in this column, we discussed the various cubits of ancient times and their lengths. Here at AiG and the Ark Encounter, we’ve chosen to use the Nippur Cubit for the Ark we are building. At 20.4 inches, this works out to be just over 1.70 feet per cubit, making the Ark about 510 feet long.

Wowie — 510 feet long! But AIG isn’t content merely to give you that information. No, they want to make sure that you fully understand it. They say:

Let’s visualize how long this actually is by comparing it to items we are familiar seeing.

To help their regular readers visualize the size of the Ark, AIG then gives no less than eight examples, such as:

• It would take nearly one and a half football fields to equal the Ark’s length.

• To float the Ark in an Olympic size swimming pool, you’d need to line up three of these large pools.

• Noah’s Ark was a bit longer than twelve, forty-foot telephone poles laid end to end.

After reviewing all eight of the examples they’re given, AIG’s dim-witted readers may have some grasp of the Ark’s size. Inspired, perhaps, by what we just learned about the sloth, we thought of another helpful example: A typical toilet seat is 14 inches wide. You would need 437 toilet seats, side-by-side, to equal the length of Noah’s Ark. Imagine that!

No doubt you, dear reader, can think of even better examples. Then AIG tells us:

You won’t believe your eyes when you see the finished Ark south of Cincinnati and take in how large this ship was!

We’ll believe it when we see it — if they ever build it. Then they make a pitch for money:

Help us build a full-scale Noah’s Ark! AiG’s part in the Ark Encounter project is raising $24.5 million in donations for an all-wood Ark, the centerpiece and first phase of the whole multi-attraction complex! A finished Ark will be a great testimony to the historicity of the Bible and will proclaim the gospel.

A worthy goal indeed! They close with a link to where you can make a contribution. Go ahead, help them out.

Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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24 responses to “Noah’s Ark — Two Important Items

  1. Charles Deetz ;)

    Hammy on his knees at bed tonight: “Surely if ye provided a way for the sloth to get to the rain forest from the ark, ye will also provide a way for 24.5 million dollars to be loaned to the Ark Park. Amen.”

  2. And I’m sure that it will be built entirely out of Gopher Wood, to demonstrate biblical accuracy, then after a few tours have gone through, they will set sail for the nearest tropical storm to see if it’s possible for a ship of this size and engineering could endure a flood like the biblical kind.

  3. “Hammy on his knees at bed tonight . . . . . . . .”

    The mind reels.

  4. I wonder if the cages in the ark had wooden bars. If so, how did they keep beavers?

    Also, wouldn’t pairs of most animals breed during the year they were on the arc? They might start with only two of each, but by the end of their confinement, they would have many more, including multiple generations of small critters like rats and rabbits. Something to think about when calculating how much food to bring aboard. The bible seems to be short on details when it comes to these practical questions.

  5. “A Kentucky theme park to be built around a full-scale replica of Noah’s Ark may sink unless investors purchase about $29 million in unrated municipal bonds by Feb. 6.”

    Counting today, just 15 days left for a “Hamiracle” to save the day.

  6. “Famously slow-moving, the sloth travels at an average speed of 0.24 kilometres per hour (0.15 mph).”

    We must deduce that they can swim much faster. The straight-line from Mt. Arafat to Costa Rica is 7,695 miles–mostly over water. If it were all land, it would take a three-toed sloth, spending 8 hours a day traveling, 17.5 years to walk such a span.

  7. Richard Olson

    Toilet seats installed side to side along both sides of the hull of Hammy’s boat will be insufficient to collect the daily excrement produced at Ark Park (in the unlikely event this project is ever brought to completion).

    Has Ham published a proposed budget for annual Ark maintenance for investor’s to consider, I wonder? A big old wooden structure like that is going to require a sizable crew and lots of paint, etc.

    And don’t forget insurance expense, either. Clearly, God now and again gets pissed off at this sort of idol, and He let’s ’em have it:

  8. They should have a line item in the budget for “Termite Control”.

  9. Slightly off topic, but Hambeaux’s pet “astronomer” Danny the celestial dingbat Faulkner, posted an insanely idiotic piece about all of the planetary and lunar craters in the universe being created on day four of Creation Week. This clown has a Ph.D. from a legitimate university, and yet he shovels out utter nonsense that would embarrass a fourth grader.

    Are these creation “scientists” who toil for Hambeaux actively complicit in his scam, or are they the victims of neurological disorders that have left them unable to operate in the real world? Maybe both?

  10. @Curmudgeon

    “… — how did the three-toed sloth migrate to South America from the Ark’s landing site in the Mountains of Ararat?”

    You should know better than to ask silly questions!

    As every schoolchild knows, it was a miracle!

    Whew! Almost had to stop and reason for a second.

    With miracles, who needs science?

  11. It has been known for some time that the ark story followed more ancient ones. The latest discovery from Babylonian tablets provides details of earlier circular arks with details of the construction from about 5000 years ago, clearly written before the Bible and more than the 6000 years of YEC earth age.

  12. Stephen Kennedy


    As a physician I should not be diagnosing people I have never examined, but after reading that piece by Faulkner on craters in the Solar System I could net help but feel he is suffering from a mental disorder. For a trained astronomer to write what he wrote demonstrates a complete loss of the ability to think rationally.

  13. SC calculates, “You would need 437 toilet seats, side-by-side, to equal the length of Noah’s Ark.”

    But will they be equipped with cameras?

  14. Doctor Stochastic

    So the Ark was about twice the length of the Lyubov Orlova which has also been drifting for about a year. (For comparison, the Ark would be about half the length of the Constellation.)

  15. Stephen Kennedy

    “Help us build a full-scale Noah’s Ark! AiG’s part in the Ark Encounter project is raising $24.5 million in donations for an all-wood Ark, the centerpiece and first phase of the whole multi-attraction complex! A finished Ark will be a great testimony to the historicity of the Bible and will proclaim the gospel.”

    Hambo has still not said anything on the AIG website about the apparently ill fated attempt to finance the ark with an issue of junk bonds. In fact, the ark bonds do not even qualify as junk bonds. Most junk bonds are risky investments but at least they are rated.

  16. I’m saddened (& outraged) at the monumental waste of money this project represents (here’s me also rooting for fundraising failure, even after the Nye debate). Think about how much good AIG could do if it used the money to help people in a reality-based, meaningful way.

  17. I wonder how much Noah’s ark cost to build.

    A $24.5 million ark that can’t even function like a real ark is hardly worth it and demonstrates nothing of historic value. I wonder, if there was a real flood, how many animals it could save? Not many. It would be taken over by the friends of I.D. To hell with the animals, we’re getting out of here!

    Being able to build an ark today hardly testifies to the historicity of anything but the power of delusion throughout the ages, then and now.

  18. I hope we have all given thanks here that “Noah’s Ark” included a breeding pair of “Two Important Items”, otherwise nothing of any significance would have survived The Flood.

    It is, however, a matter of hot contention amongst Creation Scientists whether, once set free on Mt. Arafat, some of the off-spring of those Important Items subsequently became Trivial Banalities through a process of Micro or Macro Devolution….

  19. Over at AiG, the articles are graded by “Technicality” into four colour-coded categories: “Children’s” (embarrassed blue), “Layman” (shamed green), “Semi-technical” (humiliated orange) and “Technical” (mortified red). In an unwitting and masterfully executed own-goal, the one referenced in the above article is classified as “Layman”.

    Kem Hambug gushes—

    “A finished Ark will be a great testimony to the historicity of the Bible and will proclaim the gospel.”

    And a finished Disneyworld will be a great testimony to the historicity of Mickey Mouse and will proclaim the Fantasia.

    BTW, when stacked in the usual way on a bookshelf, how many Gideons pocket-size bibles make up 300 Nippur Cubits? That’s surely a measure no self-respecting cretinist could possibly fail to grasp.

  20. Off-topic, but BREAKING NEWS!

    According to our dear friend Klinghoffer’s latest blog dropping at ENV, Here’s Another Spider That Is a Designer in Its Own Right ,

    I’m now on Twitter. Find me @d_klinghoffer.

    I’m a committed non-Twitterian, but for those that do: knock yourself out!

  21. Mega, your link doesn’t work.

    It’s a gem indeed.

    “that uses debris to construct something ….”
    Klingy seems to assume, if he takes his own analogy seriously, that the Intelligent Designer (blessed be Him/Her/It) constructed animals from their droppings. Or something.

    “This is the Darwin v. Design debate in a nutshell.”
    Spot on, Klingy.

  22. If they haven’t already done so, I suspect that the Tooters will soon be on the sloth story like, well, moths on poop!

  23. “We’ve chosen to use the Nippur Cubit for the Ark we are building …”

    There is something incredibly optimistic about the phrase “we are building”. One kind of pictures a building site already teeming with activity, right?

    “The Ark we hope to build” or “intend to build” would be rather more honest, but admittedly it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

    Jacob 4:14-15, about not being too confident about future plans: “What is your life? You are a vapor that appears for a little while and disappears … you ought to say: ‘If the Lord wills and we live we shall do this or that.'”

    One wonders if Ham EVER considers the possibility that his god maybe, just maybe, doesn’t want to see any “Ark II” built. If the project collapses, Ham will apparently blame Satan and evil atheists, since the unthinkable alternative would be that the Big Guy maybe isn’t squarely on Ham’s side after all. The great defender of “Bible truth” would suddenly appear more like an irresponsible guy throwing around ill-conceived theme park concepts.

    The “Creation Museum” already seems to be in trouble, and we may strongly suspect that much of the money so far raised to support the “upcoming” Ark Park has already been spent to keep the museum afloat. Ham must now be really desperate to SOMEHOW get the Ark project off the ground: He has already collected many millions from the faithful, and would be left with little credibility if the whole project has to be shelved.

    Who knows, maybe the “lifetime passes” to the Ark That Never Was will at least be collector’s items one day?

  24. And what is ol’ Hambo going to say about a recent AP news report that a British Museum Middle East expert has deciphered a 4,000 your old cuniform tablet and published a book about the ark being round. Time for a design change?