Creationists in Primary for Texas Lt. Governor

We haven’t been paying attention to Texas politics — why bother? — but this article somehow seems noteworthy. It’s in the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal of Lubbock, Texas, and it’s titled Dewhurst, Patrick debate each other’s character. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us:

“Who’s telling the truth?” was the central issue in a much-anticipated debate that focused mostly on questions of character between Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst and state Sen. Dan Patrick, candidates in the May 27 runoff for the Republican nomination for lieutenant governor.


The winner faces Democratic state Sen. Leticia Van de Putte of San Antonio.

To an observer from outside of Texas, most of the Dewhurst-Patrick debate seems to be nonsensical, so we’ll skip around until we find the fun parts. This shows up early in the article:

Dewhurst set the tone for the debate with first words of his opening remarks, saying, “I am David Dewhurst, and I’ve been David Dewhurst since I was born,” an oblique reference to a statement in one of his campaign ads that alleges Patrick had changed his name from Dannie Goeb to run for office.

Why is that an issue? Nobody wants to be known as a goober. Then it got nasty:

Dewhurst also said he volunteered to serve in the Vietnam War. “My opponent chose not to do that. That is his business,” he said.

Aha! What did the goober say to that? We’re told:

Patrick dismissed Dewhurst’s allegations as dirty politics.

Good response! Now here’s the fun stuff:

Both supported unhindered oil and gas exploration, fracking and teaching creationism in schools. Both supported cutting funds to women’s care facilities that provide abortions.

Wow! The Republican voters have a difficult choice. Oh wait — Patrick made this attack:

Patrick said Dewhurst trusted him enough to name him chairman of the Senate Education Committee. “He counted on me to get the job done this session,” Patrick said of Dewhurst. In citing his own legislative achievements, Patrick cited first posting “In God We Trust” in the Texas Senate and adding “under God” to the state pledge.

Great accomplishments! Then they argued about bankruptcy. Patrick admitted that he went bankrupt in the 1980s, but he responded by mentioning that Dewhurst had a business that went bust. Exciting, huh?

The debate went on for an hour. We wish we could have been there to see one creationist accusing another of being a goofball.

We don’t know who will win the primary. It doesn’t seem to make much difference. They’re both creationists, and that’s what really matters in Texas.

Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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17 responses to “Creationists in Primary for Texas Lt. Governor

  1. US politics, especially the local variety, seems to me a monumental and bottomless self-parody, if not an outright comic hoax perpetrated on the electorate. Then again, as a complete outsider, my understanding of the minutiae thereof is minute, so I s’pose that makes us even.

  2. A full list of the things I did not say to myself after reading this:
    1. Lucky Texans.

  3. waldteufel

    I live in Texas, and both of these clowns are really quite typical of the average Texas redneck. These guys are both know-nothing clowns who couldn’t make it in the real workplace, so they had to become politicians so they could feed at the public trough.

    The really sad thing is that one of them will certainly be the Lt. Governor of Texas after the general election. Texans get what they deserve. My neighbors all love these guys, and are sorry that one of them will lose in the primary election. Bah!

  4. Why is that an issue?

    Was he perhaps appealing to the anti-Semitic contingent?

  5. waldteufel says: “The really sad thing is that one of them will certainly be the Lt. Governor of Texas after the general election.”

    David Dewhurst is the current Lieutenant Governor. I think he’s had that job since 2003.

  6. realthog suggests: “Was he perhaps appealing to the anti-Semitic contingent?”

    I think Patrick is a Baptist.

  7. Yes, but “Goeb” could easily be assumed to be a Jewish name.

  8. BlackWatch

    Hey Goober and Dewhurst both have a viable plan !
    Teaching creationism in Texas schools is going to turn out
    plenty of truck drivers and diesel mechanics for the fracking and oil and gas business in Texas. ….They’re planning ahead…!

  9. waldteufel

    Our Curmudgeon says: “David Dewhurst is the current Lieutenant Governor. I think he’s had that job since 2003.”

    Yes, and if he beats Patrick in the primary, he can continue to be Lt. Governor until someone even crazier than he is shows up. Competency and honesty have no place in Texas politics.

  10. Yeah, we’re “fracked” alright. LA is as bad as Texas in terms of the quality of state legislators. We are going to be fracked up one side and down the other for some time to come. And I mean “frack” in the Battlestar Galactica sense of the word.

  11. They are both Texans. They are both Republicans. Is anybody surprised that they are both creationists who promise to violate the Constitution of the United States by forcing the teaching creationism in the public schools?

  12. docbill1351

    Dewhurst is an old school, Republican party political hack. He fully believed he could defeat the upstart Cruz for senate and did virtually no campaigning, rather relying on the party machine to deliver the votes. The machine failed to deliver and we have Cruz in the senate, not Dewhurst.

    Now, he’s running essentially the same, old school campaign against Patrick, who is a freaking idiot on the Republican Idiot Scale, and he’s getting trounced. What that says is that the inmates are now running the asylum in Texas and even an old school, graft and payback, freeloading grifter like Dewhurst can’t get the nod. What’s the world coming to??

  13. Why don’t these Texan “Republicans” simply run under a more appropriate party name, like Boko Haram?

  14. Megalonyx mentions Boko Haram, which I had to look up. According to Wikipedia it’s the name of an Islamic sect which translates as “Western education is sinful.”

  15. Fine chaps, Boko Haram. They like to kidnap young girls from school. They’ve got a few dozen right now, probably using them as sex slaves.

    Yay, religious fundamentalism.

  16. Oops! I underestimated the goodness of Boko Haram. They’ve “saved” a couple hundred young girls. Yay, again.

  17. And Boko Haram’s leader was featured on the nightly news tonight, bragging about how he will be selling the girls into slavery.