We don’t like to embarrass people (unless they’re politicians, preachers, or other public figures), so we usually omit the writer’s full name and city. But there’s no problem this time. The letter-writer is a preacher — Rev. Kurt Simmons of the Halegueno Street Church of Christ. His church has no website that we can find, but Googling around we get the impression that it was founded in 2012, and has one employee.
That’s not important. All that matters is what the rev says in his letter. We’ll give you a few excerpts, enhanced with our Curmudgeonly commentary and some bold font for emphasis. Here we go!
It is no secret that there are liberal churches and there are conservative churches. There are many things that differentiate these churches, but by and large their differences boil down to a single thing: Their respective attitudes towards the authority of God’s word.
What the Bible — both Old and New Testaments — says about homosexuality is no secret: The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah by God (who does not change) is known to all. Where God’s word is received as authoritative sexual immorality of every sort, including homosexuality and lesbianism, will be condemned.
That’s very interesting, rev, but come on — where’s the creationism? [*Curmudgeon restrains himself*] We must be patient with the rev. He’ll get around to it. But first he has to tell us this:
Verbal inspiration is the very bedrock of Biblical authority. If the Bible is not God’s word, if it is just so many myths and fables, if it contains merely the subjective thoughts and impressions of fallible men, we may ignore it with impunity: It is a bold new world. Men and churches are then free to “make it up as they go.”
Okay, rev — that’s enough. Get to it! Our readers don’t want to wade through a whole Ark-load of babbling! [*Curmudgeon loses patience, takes control, skips a bunch … ah, we finally arrive at the good stuff*] Here it comes:
The State-sanctioned religion of atheistic evolution and Darwinism once presented a serious challenge to the inspiration of the scripture. Christians began to doubt whether the Genesis account could be trusted, or was just a myth. However, with time the theory of evolution has been shown to be farcical.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! He continues:
The fossil record has produced no intermediate forms, no missing links. The whole theory is so completely unscientific, only man’s fallen nature and moral depravity can recommend it to his conscience.
The rev certainly knows whereof he speaks. Here’s more:
Sadly, the complete lack of scientific evidence supporting Darwinism has not deterred the enemies of righteousness from polluting the minds of tens of millions of hapless schoolchildren with their lies.
Yes, it’s the “enemies of righteousness” — like you, dear reader — who run around polluting the minds of children with your lies. Moving along:
Children grow up; the lies children are taught in school eventually find their way into the attitudes of some churches; out goes the Bible, and in comes sodomical marriages and whatever else cultural trends happen to recommend.
Aaaargh!! Evolution leads to sodomy! Darwin’s true motives are exposed! The rev has revealed everything! And now we come to the end:
Christians must answer the call to conservatism and reject liberal attitudes which impugn the verbal inspiration of scripture and the authority of God’s word. Otherwise the church is completely adrift, blown around with every wind of doctrine, with no anchor to keep it off the rocks of apostasy.
Take heed, dear reader. The only way to avoid sodomy and getting “blown around” with every wind is to abandon Darwinism. Repent now, before it’s too late!
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