Thrilling Ark News from Ken Ham

Noah's Ark (by Edward Hicks, 1846)

Noah’s Ark (by Edward Hicks, 1846)

The great man himself — Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the Australian entrepreneur who has become the ayatollah of Appalachia, famed for his creationist ministry, Answers in Genesis (AIG) and for the infamous, mind-boggling Creation Museum, brings us news of his Ark Encounter project.

Hambo’s article at the AIG website is Ark Encounter — A Great Evangelistic Outreach. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us and his scripture references deleted:

After years of prayer, numerous battles, and lots of hard work — they [sic] all came together, and we are now starting construction of the evangelistic Ark Encounter project! Here’s a summary of what’s taken place in regard to the building of this exciting outreach to millions of souls:

Think about it, dear reader. While you’ve been concerned with your shabby life, and thinking about various conflicts around the world, ol’ Hambo has been engaged in a colossal evangelistic effort. What a great man! He says:

Our battle to obtain a federal permit (which had been holding up construction for over a year) finally came through!

Noah himself couldn’t have done it better. And there’s more:

The Tourism Board of Kentucky granted preliminary approval for the possibility of receiving a refund of sales tax (which is performance based) at the completed Ark Encounter; if the Ark attendance is strong and tourism dollars flow into the state, then a refund of sales tax collected from guests in the park will be granted.

That’s absolutely glorious news! We posted about it before — see Joy to the World — The Ark Is Approved. But that’s not all:

The complex architectural and engineering work had been completed, and meetings are now going ahead with contractors to let bids.

Hey — why didn’t Noah need “complex architectural and engineering work”? Well, we won’t worry about that. Then Hambo tells about the endless attacks he has endured in the press:

Just when we get through a series of struggles to move a project ahead, the devil orchestrates even more battles in an attempt to undermine the future outreach!

That ol’ Devil never sleeps! He’s desperate to stop Hambo, but Hambo is winning! Aren’t you excited? Let’s read on:

This time with the Ark project, it felt like déjà vu. You see, you will probably remember the many battles (and the media wars that ensued) back in the 1990s when it was becoming obvious the Creation Museum project was actually moving ahead. Back then, and as I’ve quoted many times, I cited the verse: “”But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive” [scripture reference].

Hambo’s critics are evil, but God is on Hambo’s side! He continues:

When you think about the fact that the Ark Encounter will be one of the greatest evangelistic outreaches of our time, it’s no wonder AiG has come under attack again.

We’ll skip several paragraphs of obstacles the great man has overcome. He faced opposition that “became headlines in newspapers, editorials, online news outlets, atheist blogs, and our regional TV and radio news stations!” He tells us:

Such media and other attacks on the AiG ministry have become a daily occurrence. The attacks have greatly intensified as the actual construction of the Ark project has begun in earnest. We expect many more to come — and AiG obviously needs your prayers.

But his optimism is boundless:

Over the years, secularists launched vicious attacks against the museum. They will increase, as the full-size Noah’s Ark, when it opens in 2016, is estimated to attract up to 2 million visitors a year—and Creation Museum attendance should double! I believe the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum will be two of the most powerful evangelistic outreaches in the world today! What an incredible one-two punch they will be!

Oooooooooh! [*Curmudgeon swoons*] Then the great man indulges in a wee bit of well-deserved self-praise:

How many other centers are boldly, unashamedly, and uncompromisingly standing on God’s Word? Defending our faith against the attacks of our day? Equipping Christians of all ages with answers? Challenging non-Christians with the truth of God’s Word and the saving gospel? And will be attracting 2.5 million combined visitors a year?

Only you, Hambo. Only you! He concludes with this:

If you are looking to invest time, prayer, and finances in a Christian ministry and see a great spiritual return, I believe the evangelistic Ark is a great Kingdom investment opportunity!

So there you are, dear reader. It’s clear that ol’ Hambo is the greatest man of our time — perhaps of all time! Do what you can to show your appreciation. Send him money — all your money. You’re guaranteed to receive a “great spiritual return.”

Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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32 responses to “Thrilling Ark News from Ken Ham

  1. Ken remembers that “Over the years, secularists launched vicious attacks against the museum.”

    The daring nighttime raid in 2009 was a particularly violent affair, ending in countless hurt feelings and thousands of panties bunching into wads. So vicious!

    Beyond that, I just like how Kenny just lumps anybody who thinks his museum is a farce and an embarrassment into the secularist category. Hey Ken’s intern that Ken makes read “atheist blogs:” there are millions of Christians who think your boss is a deluded, maniacal, and theocratic putz.

  2. I have to defend the Appalachian region from the Curmudgeon’s association of it with Ken Ham. The AIG museum is in Petersburg, KY. The Ark Encounter is in Williamstown, KY. Neither is really in Appalachia. Ken is more of a river boat card shark and country preacher than an Ayatollah of eastern Kentucky. And he seems to import his “talent” from all over the country, not just Appalachia.

    Between King Coal and Mitch McConnell, Kentucky and Appalachia have enough burdens to bear without Ken.

  3. I wish I had the guts to do “The Monkey Wrench Gang” thing.

  4. How many other centers are boldly, unashamedly, and uncompromisingly standing on God’s Word?

    Figuratively or literally? Literally, if they use a Bible to prop up a wobbly table leg or to give a few extra inches to reach that cookie jar on the top shelf?

  5. I blame Disney…

    Ark Park – the saddest place on earth

  6. Doctor Stochastic

    He’ll need a billboard to point the way, an Ark sign.

  7. Wait now, when he says it’s going ahead what he really means is that the latest thing on the top of the list of things stopping them from going ahead has been overcome (read AiG was able to ‘bribe’ their way out of another mess they forgot to plan for).

    What he won’t admit to people is that while the government is not stopping them currently is that if he doesn’t get enough cash to ensure completion he also won’t get the other bribed for benefits. He’s asking for donations because he doen’t have a wealthy financier investor (most of them are not theists). If he fails to meet objectives those perks will go away too. That is to say that the deals brokered won’t allow for him to open the ‘billboard of the Ark’ park. Nope, he’s still has to plunk down a boat load of cash (I like that pun) before construction begins and to ensure the investment by the state and other agencies. This great happy news that he has is like saying that the tsunami waters are clear of debri so there is no blunt force trauma likely in the short term.

  8. @Doctor Stocastic: And he’ll need another billboard to point to the creation museum — an ark cosin perhaps?

  9. If there is a god indeed Ol’ Hambo will be punished for vanity.

  10. Wow. An investment opportunity !!!

  11. Hambo still needs to collect another $15 million in donations and lifetime passes by next Summer in order to complete his ark park. For some perspective, that is equal to the entire amount of donations and boarding pass sales revenue that they have received since this ridiculous project was first announced in 2010.

    I could not help but laugh at Hambo’s assertion that the project has been held up a full year by the need to get a government permit. I was under the mistaken impression that the delays were due to weak fund raising and the problems they had selling junk bonds to get the money to start construction.

    It looks like they are really disorganized. Permits should have been obtained long ago. It looks like they have earth moving equipment driving around the site but they do not seem to be doing anything beyond leveling some land. They still have not let out the contracts for the actual construction. If they ever get to the point of calling for bids on contracts it is going to be interesting to see what happens when they inform companies owned by Catholics, Jews and Moslems that their bids will not be accepted by AIG.

  12. AiG hasn’t let any contracts yet for actual construction of a major project to open to a fawning public in 2016? I, for one, doubt that their pretend boat will be anywhere close to completion by then, if ever.

  13. “What an incredible one-two punch they will be!”
    I feel beaten down already. Who knew that a diorama with a man riding a brontosaurus, and an imitation Ark with a stegosaurus couple (2×2, remember*) could shatter my non-theistic beliefs? I’m shamed, really….
    Speaking about which, will the Ark show have a special room dedicated to the moment Noah’s sons find him naked after a drinking bout? Now, that would be educational!

    (*will they be depicted mating? Oh, those naughty stegosaurs! No wonder they were fossilized!)

  14. Hmm, I see cant in Doctor Stochastic and abeastwood having gone off at a tangent about Kanny Humbug’s sign and co-sign rules. While it’s a neat trig, you have to avoid the hyperbolic and putting your adjacents at opposites, otherwise it’ll bite you on the hypotenuse.

  15. @Con-tester, you may think that was acute thing to say, but you’re just being obtuse. What’s you’re angle?

  16. Mark Germano, it’s plane to see that you’re going around in circles, which is a sine that your line of reasoning has no point.

  17. Mark, the scalenes have fallen from my eyes but now I feel sector, like a naughty gnomon caught in a trapezoid. Or maybe a balbis golygon in its concave. Let’s hope the hexagon; looks like they caused quite a rhombus.

  18. Ham: “When you think about the fact that the Ark Encounter will be one of the greatest evangelistic outreaches of our time, it’s no wonder AiG has come under attack again.”

    Needs editing — “When you think about the fact that the Ark Encounter will be one of the greatest evangelistic outreaches boondoggles of our time, it’s no wonder AiG has come under attack again.”

  19. Stephen Kennedy, thanks again for following the money trail.

    Is there somewhere a list of failed fundamentalist ventures, like Heritage USA and other failed Bible theme parks?

  20. Hambone’s investors should demand an explaination of why it’s taking so long to build this ark thing. Didn’t Noah and a couple relatives do the alleged original and get samples of a lot of animals in a few weeks after the sky fairy predicted showers?

  21. abeastwood wonders

    Didn’t Noah and a couple relatives do the alleged original and get samples of a lot of animals in a few weeks after the sky fairy predicted showers?

    Noah didn’t waste time applying for government tax-breaks. And he didn’t have to comply with any health and safety regulations.

  22. Abeastwood, I believe it took Noah 100 years. He built it in his 500’s and entered the Ark when he was 600. So, obviously, that makes it totally plausible.

  23. According to the Ark Encounter website and my calculations, receipts during the last 13 days have totaled a monumental $8,451(!) for a grand total of $15,034,139. That averages $650/day. At that rate, the goal of $29.5M will be reached in ca. 61 years — not in time for the 2016 grand opening extravaganza but comfortably able to meet Noah’s needs.

  24. Ha, this is REALLY funny!

    Hambone’s investors should demand an explanation…

    Investors! Hambone doesn’t have investors! Hambone has supporters and donors who keep ham and fat on the old bone. The “investors” have already been told that they’ll never get their money back, much less any dividends. Money for nothing and chicks for free. Old Hambone is crazy like a fox living high on the hog like a well-oiled grifter should. He probably howls himself to sleep with laughter just thinking about all the knuckleheads who are paying him to “build an ark.” Paying him! Oh, Hambone, baby, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

    Wait, wait! Yes, it does: tax free!

  25. I was just watching Hambo’s video of earth moving equipment running back and forth across the Ark Park site, and I noticed something that seems odd to me. . . .there don’t seem to be any survey stakes or other obvious signs of the site having been surveyed. How do the earth moving guys know where and how much earth to move without survey markers? Can somebody help straighten me out here?

  26. If you are looking to invest time, lifestyle, and finances in an investment opportunity and see a great financial return, I believe the evangelistic Ark is a great condo investment opportunity!

    What a change five words make.

  27. From Ham’s website:

    “I CONTINUE TO ENCOURAGE CHRISTIANS NOT TO TRUST EVERYTHING THEY READ ON THE INTERNET OR IN NEWSPAPERS!”

    Especially if it’s on AiG’s website.

  28. They are already inviting companies to bid on contracts through the Troyer Group, and I saw a recent ad for a computer designer. But what got me excited is finding out I can donate my very own peg to the ark for a mere $10 a month! If I were rich, I could own my own plank!

  29. The funny thing is that Ken Ham actually has a website. If people like him has prevailed all along, the only webs in the world would be woven by spiders.

    These folks want to cherry-pick the benefits of science without actually having to accept science itself. Yes, I know, they claim that they’re the ones standing up for “true” science, but to quote the Bible itself, “By their fruits ye shall know them”–and creationist mumbo-jumbo has been notably fruitless in producing any useful discoveries.

  30. I like to refer to kennie ham as the modern equivalent of the Snake Oil Salesman. Just look at the last paragraph, a ‘great spiritual return’, of course if you don’t feel it, obviously you are doing something wrong . . . it can’t be anything kennie did. However, when you ask for money as an investment, aren’t you also looking for a financial return? Donations imply no financial return, but an investment of money usually implied a financial return.

    Can’t see it happening, I think kennie’s attendance estimates are way high! I would love to know how his attendance estimates and the actuals for his other abortion, the poorly named Creation ‘Museum’. He is always touting attendee numbers, but how did his pre-opening estimates stack up. Anyone know?

    Let me tell you what annoys me about little kennie more than anything else. I would like you to remember a lady named Tammy Kitzmiller. She was a parent in the Dover PA school district and one of the 11 parents who were plaintiffs in the Dover suit. For whatever reason her name was listed first so the suit is commonly referred to as Kitzmiller v. The Dover Area School District. According to Lauri Lebo’s excellent book “The Devil in Dover” and many articles about the trial, Ms Kitzmiller suffered verbal abuse and attacks from self-identified Christians. In a York Dispatch article they mentioned some of it:

    One letter she received, scrawled in big letters across a sheet of yellow notebook paper, begins, “When you open your eyes in hell. …”
    One boy at school told the girls to tell their mother to “go to hell,” delivering the message through a third person.
    The atmosphere worsened as campaigning began for a hotly contested school board election and people prepared for the trial. There were nasty phone calls and confrontations in restaurants and on the streets.

    Imagine what your life is like when you stand against obvious injustice, when you publicly voice opposition to something the local school board was doing that is patently illegal! You get ostracized by members of your own community, often people you once considered friends and neighbors. These were attacks, enough to have her stop her daughters from even answering the phone! This isn’t the only example. I believe the parents who sued John Freshwater after he burned a cross into their son’s arm also received similar backlash. The members of the Iowa State University, after they refused to give Guillermo Gonzalez tenure — tenure let me remind you that he failed to earn — were vilified by some online blogs and posts, same with Ball State University’s president, Jo Ann M. Gora and the whole Hedin/Gonzalez issue (yes, the same Gonzalez who screwed up so spectacularly at ISU).

    Little, small-minded, kennie ham is the same sort of person who would encourage such behavior. That’s what he’s doing when he calls anyone who criticizes him as an atheist. Does he know what religion someone is by their critique of his actions? Of course not! But he’s quick to label because nothing bring out the ire of a Christian, especially an Evangelical Christian, like the label ‘atheist’. In my opinion kennie views anyone who doesn’t agree with him an atheist. That’s crap, but that’s just what I have some to expect from little kennie. Of course his ‘defense’ if you can call it that, is a form that old favorite ‘But God is on my side!’ and he seems to think that excuses his behavior!