Truly the Ayatollah of Appalachia

This is addressed to those who have expressed disagreement (for geographical reasons) with my referring to Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) as the ayatollah of Appalachia.

Take a look at what just popped up at the website of ol’ Hambo’s creationist ministry, Answers in Genesis (AIG) — well, actually it’s at the website of his mind-boggling Creation Museum. The title is Appalachian Bible College Returns to the Creation Museum.

You must never again doubt your Curmudgeon. We know you’ll want to read the whole article for yourself, so we’ll just give you a hint of what awaits you when you click over there:

An annual trip to the Creation Museum is a part of the curriculum for a course at Appalachian Bible College: PS105 Freshman Seminar.

It’s an annual trip. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Here’s more:

From the list of exhibits or presentations that the students are involved with at the Creation Museum, they must do the following for at least one of them:

• Describe the exhibit or presentation on one page (250 words) and
• Include on a second page a specific list of ten or more ways that this exhibit or presentation defends a biblical world view
• Keep an outline journal of the entire trip (two pages)
• Note that any material from the four lectures may be on the next exam

Bible college is hard work! One more excerpt:

Calvary Baptist Church in Covington, KY, has housed this group for all five years that they have done this, and the trip is funded by a generous donor to Appalachian Bible College for this specific purpose.

Isn’t that wonderful? Anyway, we don’t want any more complaints about our calling ol’ Hambo the ayatollah of Appalachia.

Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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27 responses to “Truly the Ayatollah of Appalachia

  1. michaelfugate

    Well, I just had to look up ABC on the web – couldn’t resist. The Doctrinal Statement is as one might expect (boldingly enhanced)…..

    We believe that the first eleven chapters of Genesis are the literal history of the early Earth. We believe that this material universe is the result of a sequence of unique creative acts of God the Son, accomplished with the aid of God the Holy Spirit and directed by God the Father. We believe these creative acts were ex nihilo, completed by the mere spoken commands of God. We further believe that these creative acts were accomplished in six literal twenty-four hour days. Therefore we hold to a young earth view supported by the genealogies and other time information provided in the Word of God. We also believe that the material universe was created in total perfection but subsequently was sentenced to a slow decay and eventual destruction by the Curse (binding), which was part of the penalty for the disobedience of the parents of all mankind, Adam and Eve, whom we view as real, literal people, created on the sixth day of Creation. We reject all concepts of a pre-Adamic race. We believe that the biblical Noahic Flood was a real, year-long global event, the result of the judgment of God on the hopelessly rebellious descendants of Adam and Eve, and resulted in much of the present geology of the Earth, including most of the fossil graveyards of myriads of plants and animals then living. We believe that only eight human souls, Noah and his family, survived the Flood and that all mankind now living are descended from this family, dispersed over the face of the Earth by the confusion of tongues described in Genesis.
    Since God created mankind into genders distinctly male and female, we believe that the only legitimate marriage is that between one man and one woman.

    Luckily I ran across another ABC that that has a much more appealing doctrinal statement.

  2. I have 3 questions actually;
    1. What do they mean by “worldview?”
    2. What is a worldview?
    3. Is anyone taking a line on who the generous donor might be? My money’s on ol; Hammy

  3. Do they also have to pay the entrance fee?

  4. My evolutionary worldview:

    Each night I stick my pocket transistor radio in a dark room with my laptop computer and hope they make an iPod.

  5. I wasted a good ten minutes scanning the ABC website. What a spooky place ABC must be. Jeepers, imagine being in a school where 45% of your peers are homeschooled intellectual ciphers and social zombies for whom an exotic evening is flinging a frisbee with a pastor. . . .
    ABC is great for growing the next crop of AiG droolers. Ughhhhhhh.

  6. waldteufel says: “ABC is great for growing the next crop of AiG droolers.”

    They go to “college,” they have a field trip to a “museum,” they write “reports,” they get grades, they graduate, and when their “education” is done they’re as prepared for life in this century as if they had just come from a newly-contacted tribe in the Amazon jungle.

  7. Sorry, but your argument doesn’t work for me. My daughter’s college offers students a study trip to Budapest, Hungary. Does that make it a Hungarian school? Or does it make the president of the school a Hungarian “Ayatollah”?
    Ken Ham is an embarrassment that Appalachia doesn’t need and isn’t really responsible for. And in all fairness, I won’t even try to pin the blame on Australia.

    Del Ramey

  8. Since God created mankind into genders distinctly male and female,

    So how is it that there happens, as a matter of physical fact, a blurring of the distinction for some humans?

  9. Charles Deetz ;)

    And each student must make a list of ten things that are laughably inconsistent with reality at the museum. I hear most students found this part the easiest. 😉

  10. Doctor Stochastic

    Und Gott schuf drei Geschlechter, die in ihrer Pluralzusammengebrochen .

  11. Del Ramey, I agree with you. Although “ayatollah of Appalachia” has a nice, alliterative ring to it, Northern Kentucky really isn’t Appalachia.
    True Appalachia is made up of primarily the isolated regions in the mountains of eastern Kentucky and West Virginia. Granted, there are many fundamentalists living in Kentucky, but the same can be said (unfortunately) of many states.

    Ham is a shrewd businessman. I’d bet he put a lot of research into locating his execrable Creation Museum, since it seems to be located within a day’s drive of the heaviest concentration of people likely to visit the place. He appears to have quite a talent for making a buck off of others’ ignorance.

  12. I agree with Waldteufel, going to this college would give me the creeps. My two sons go to a state university, I would never let them go to a nut house of a school like ABC.

    Hambo loves them because they have signed on to his AIG statement of faith, signaling to all the slack jawed creationist cretins that ABC is not compromised and they can send their little home schooled droolers there without fear that they might actually learn something about the modern world.

  13. Dave Luckett

    Oh, Ham should be blamed on Australia. Or at least on Ipswich, Queensland, a coal town that makes Scranton PA look like Periclean Athens. He moved to Kentucky to carry the Faith to the unregenerate heathens there. Er… wait.

  14. As I read the catalog of courses, the most advanced mathematics is college algebra. Is there something threatening about calculus, statistics, set theory or group theory? How can they possibly understand Dembski’s mathematics?

  15. Jim Orchardist

    Please call him Appalachian. Its fine with me. However, I am begging you to stop reminding us he is Australian. I mean.. its embarrassing! I swear to you we don’t have many like that. Please believe me.

  16. Wow! Appalachian Bible College has a 750-seat auditorium and a 24 station computer lab! 24 computers … for 300 students.Curiously, the list of things students are advised to bring to ABC includes a bible, an alarm clock and a Cat5 network cable, but not a computer.
    So what’s the point of bringing a Cat5 cable?

  17. Because He works in mysterious ways, Hideo Gump.

  18. Dr S – good one – made me chuckle.

  19. Someone should ask these people why the entire material universe was “sentenced to a slow decay and eventual destruction by the Curse (binding), which was part of the penalty for the disobedience of the parents of all mankind, Adam and Eve, whom [they] view as real, literal people, created on the sixth day of Creation.” What did the poor ol’ universe do wrong?

  20. Eric Lipps “What did the poor ol’ universe do wrong?”

    It provided shelter for Adam & Eve. BTW, I wonder if creationists ever consider why we still have apple trees. Wouldn’t they have been wiped out by Noah’s Flood? Or is this question answered in Genesis?

  21. @RSG: Of course, AIG answers your question. The answers are always in Genesis, duh.

  22. Eric Lipps, remember that, back when the events of Genesis 2-3 occurred, the universe was much smaller than today, indeed even much later, in the time of Joseph, all nations were in easy walking distance of Egypt (Gen 41:57: And all countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn; because that the famine was so sore in all lands). But as we now know, the universe is expanding. Unfortunately, it can’t expand fast enough to outrun JHVH’s curse: this is probably the real reason behind the recently discovered acceleration of the expansion.

  23. I have a saying “nothing good comes out of Australia” I mean if it is a movie, music, musician, or a Hambo everything that comes out of Australia usually is just not up to par.
    That said I’d love to go and live there for a year and enjoy the southern sky, unique fauna, and an ancient land that recorded in its rocks the bulk of Earth’s 4 billion year+ history.

  24. Keep an outline journal of the entire trip (two pages)

    I love that one. I couldn’t make it through one exhibit room in the American Museum of Natural History, even if I was writing the most rudimentary outline and I wrote really, really small, in just two pages. It really points out how intellectually vacuous the Creation Museum is.

  25. I’d have a hard time writing two pages about the Creation Museum. “I rode the dinosaur wee!”

  26. Troy, if your crayon was fat enough and you used big enough letters, two pages would be no problem. Especially if you had to cross out misspelled words.

  27. Techreseller

    Does no one here worry about the kids? These kids are put into the fighting ring of life with one tied behind their back and the laces of their shoes tied to each other. Well, someone has to take my kids orders at the fast food places and take away their trash. OK.