Ken Ham Offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime”

We bring you a thrilling essay written by Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo) — the Australian entrepreneur who has become the ayatollah of Appalachia, famed for his creationist ministry, Answers in Genesis (AIG) and for the mind-boggling Creation Museum.

Ol’ Hambo’s newest article is titled Opportunity of a Lifetime. Here are some excerpts, with bold font added by us, and Hambo’s links, scripture quotes, and references omitted:

About 4,300 years ago, eight people experienced the incredible event of their lifetime as they boarded Noah’s Ark.

Yes, and if you believe that, you believe that all the millions of other people in the world were killed, along with their children. Also extinguished were millions of puppies, songbirds, etc. It’s a wonderful story! Then Hambo says:

While the situation is quite different today, you will have (over the next two years) an opportunity of a lifetime: getting a special lifetime boarding pass for you and your family (or grandparents and their grandchildren) for what I believe will be one of the greatest evangelistic outreaches of our time — the Ark Encounter, with a full-size Noah’s Ark.

Don’t be left behind. Get a boarding pass now! Let’s read on:

In Noah’s day, the whole world, except Noah and his family, rejected the truth of God’s Word: [scripture passage]. Even though we see great wickedness all around us today, thankfully there are many people who have not rejected the truth of God’s Word. And many of them are burdened to share the saving gospel with their families, friends, and others. In the book of 2 Peter, we are warned that there is another global judgment to come. Not by water this time, as it was 4,300 years ago, but by fire:[scripture quote].

Wow — the righteousness of Hambo and his drooling followers is all that’s keeping the world from being destroyed again! He continues:

Answers in Genesis is building a colossal, life-size Noah’s Ark out of wood, with exciting animatronics and walk-through exhibits, scheduled to open in the late summer of 2016. … For all those who visit the Ark Encounter’s life-size Ark, they will have an encounter with this biblical vessel and also encounter God’s Word. Our prayer is that our guests will have an eternity-changing encounter with the Lord Jesus — our Ark of salvation!

If you visit Hambo’s Ark, you will have an encounter! Aren’t you excited? Here’s more:

Until the Ark Encounter is officially opened in 2016, AiG is offering a variety of lifetime boarding passes.I truly believe that a lifetime boarding pass to the Ark and the Creation Museum is one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have to impact so many lives for the Lord Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, you will be helping fund this amazing outreach!

Ol’ Hambo “truly believes” that a lifetime boarding pass to the Ark will be “one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have.” Moving along:

Don’t miss out on this offer of a lifetime. It’s one of the greatest investments you could make in this time of history.

Skipping over a lot more of the same, he concludes with this:

I do urge you to consider becoming a boarding-pass member of the Ark Encounter (and Creation Museum) to help you be a Noah-like “preacher of righteousness” for your children and other loved ones in today’s challenging world.

Well, dear reader, what are you waiting for? Click over there and use some of Hambo’s convenient links to where you can buy a boarding pass. This is your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

Copyright © 2014. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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46 responses to “Ken Ham Offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime”

  1. Oh goody!

    I’m hoping I can get a proper ‘Port Out, Starboard Home’ booking!

  2. I still am completely puzzled why Ham believes that the ark will be one of the greatest evangelical outreach tools of our times – will anyone besides Ham’s uncompromised Christians actually go see the thing?

  3. What does a lifetime pass mean to an apocalyptic mystic? Shouldn’t they be called “Until the Impending Apocalypse Pass”?

    Shouldn’t Hambo’s ship of fools have been made of fire resistant materials so all the peer pressure and propaganda efforts don’t go up in flames on their dream day of death?

    Hambo’s conversations with insurance companies and civic authorities would be interesting to hear. “Why do my facilities need fire insurance? IT’S ALL GOING TO BURN! oh and would you mind making a donation?”

  4. A Family Lifetime pass is $3000.

    An Individual Lifetime pass is $2000.

    For that you get admission, a parking permit (apparently they will charge extra for parking), a certificate, a tiny boat, a bumper sticker and other stuff worthy of a kid’s birthday party gift bag.

    Assuming an entrance fee of $35 (I read that somewhere) that works out to 57 visits! Fifty-seven FREAKING VISITS!!

    Can you imagine? I’ve only been to Disneyland twice and Six Flags maybe four times in my life.

    Can you possibly imagine in your most fevered dreams going to the Ark Encounter and Petting Zoo FIFTY-SEVEN TIMES???

    Well, more power to old Hambo if he can fleece thousands of dollars from his gullible flock.

  5. Why does it never occur to any of these fundies that the fact that five or more civilizations that had written records at the time of the alleged massive drowning didn’t notice they had been inundated and drowned indicates Hambone’s favorite story is a myth?

  6. a lifetime boarding pass to the Ark and the Creation Museum is one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have

    If I believed that, I think I’d shoot myself then and there.

  7. docbill1351 asks: “Can you possibly imagine in your most fevered dreams going to the Ark Encounter and Petting Zoo FIFTY-SEVEN TIMES???”

    With that many visits you only break even. No opportunity there. You’d have to make a lot more visits for it to be the financial opportunity of a lifetime.

  8. Well, I am just grateful that Ham was careful not to oversell his theme park. You know how tacky that sort of thing can be.

  9. Animatronics – I can’t think of anything I’d be less interested in seeing, let alone paying for.

  10. Hmmm.. selling lifetime memberships to a religiously oriented attraction that hasn’t been built yet. Where have we heard that before? Oh yeah.. that’s the fraud that Jim Bakker went to prison for. Check the ‘Scandals’ section at
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Bakker#Fraud_conviction_and_incarceration

    ‘Bakker and his PTL associates sold $1,000 “lifetime memberships”, which entitled buyers to a three-night stay annually at a luxury hotel at Heritage USA.’

    Rejoice! The PTL lifetime membership scam is BORN AGAIN!

  11. Methinks Hambo grows more desperate by the day. How can he open his Ship of Fools to the Droolers in less than two years when all that’s been accomplished so far is moving some dirt around?

    This is gonna be fun to watch!

  12. @waldteufel – It looks like you lack faith 🙂

  13. Animatronics…singing something like “It’s a wet world after all, It’s a dead world after all…”
    Wow 3 grand what kind of fool does Hambo take them for…oh right! Well unless you do the math it might not seem like such a ripoff.
    I was especially taken aback by the Grandparent’s Pass. If you wanted to take your grandkids you’d still have to pay for yourself! And read the fine print once those grandkiddies turn 18 they are ineligible.
    Hambo learned a thing or two from the Jim Baker fiasco, notice there is a limit on how many lifers they can take on.
    Maybe Hambo already did this, but getting a list of Fundy churches nationwide can’t be hard. Why not send them off a letter letting them send their youth group once per year to the Ark park for 3 grand or something like that? Then again they are in the same racket as Hambo so they probably wouldn’t bite.

  14. ” And read the fine print once those grandkiddies turn 18 they are ineligible.”

    But they’re fundamentalists. By the time they’re 18, they’ll have 2-3 kids of their own.

  15. With their first cousins.

  16. And a job as security guard at Wal-Mart.

  17. But they’ll claim they have a Ph.D. in Semiotic Biomimetical Christo-Informatics from Bob’s Waffle House & Bible Colllege when they argue with Nobel Prize winning scientists on the internet.

  18. When the arc is finished, I wonder if all the people who bought planks and pegs will show up to claim them? “I think that peg over there is mine, Martha, hand me my crowbar. I’ll have it out in a jiffy.”

  19. Curm, have you commented on this?

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn26555-infanticide-drives-female-promiscuity-and-big-balls.html#.VGu9zvnF-8A

    Am I the only one who hears that AC/DC song playing in my head?

  20. Because they have deities to use as a blanket excuse for any information that doesn’t fit in their time cube shaped world. The Devil either removed the books that covered Noah and his soggy story to trick you or The Good Lord removed them to test your belief (trick you).

  21. Diogenes asks: “Curm, have you commented on this?”

    No, I’ll leave it to you.

  22. I truly believe that a lifetime boarding pass to the Ark and the Creation Museum is one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have … Meanwhile, you will be helping fund this amazing outreach!

    Ah, I think by “meanwhile” Ham means to pad his own wallet and future retirement plans. He still has to continue his never-ending fundraising efforts as he apparently never reached his original goal.

    And so apparently this wood-only behemoth’s design has been declared acceptable by the authorties?

    And he’s circumvented the discrimination lawsuits brought against him?

  23. @docbill1351 I think I’ll let this one slide and continue to save this maroon a seat on the sunny shore of the Lake of Fire.

  24. So far old Hambo has led a charmed life, almost as if he had a guardian angel or was guided by a superior being.

    Just look at old Hambo’s track record:

    Split from AIG, Australia under a cloud, taking with him materials and copyrighted stuff. They sued and lost. Old Hambo started his new empire in the New World, ironically coming from the land of convicts.

    Actually got enough donations to build his creation “museum,” a nice little tax exempt money earner.

    Conned the State of Kentucky into funding one of his shell companies, getting a discount on land, and promises to build an exit ramp from the highway, and tax credits.

    Conned a Kentucky municipality into backing (sort of) worthless junk bonds but raising millions nevertheless.

    Has managed not to Hovind himself by keeping his shenanigans somewhat above board, but not sneaking to the bank at night with bags of money.

    Employed his entire family with his schemes and he’s not even Sicilian.

    I tell you, we may laugh at Ape Boy, but he’s got a better retirement fund than all of us put together.

  25. The whole truth

    hambo slobbered: “I truly believe that a lifetime boarding pass to the Ark and the Creation Museum is one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have to impact so many lives for the Lord Jesus Christ.”

    Yeah right, putting lots of money in hambo’s pocket is a much greater opportunity “to impact so many lives for the Lord Jesus Christ” than putting that money into food, clothing, medical care, housing, and a USEFUL education for needy adults and children and/or other worthwhile endeavors.

  26. Too bad Ham can’t be required to arrange for his “passengers” to experience what a real Ark voyage would have been like, complete with rolling seas, huge quantities of animal (and human) waste–and lasting just as long as the Genesis Ark was supposed to have been afloat.

    He’d never live it down.

  27. It is true, as docbill says, that hambo’s enterprise is lucrative. Sometimes I wonder if they are laughing along with us while they laugh all the way to the bank. Reminds me of a book I had on poker. It raised the question of cheating which the book then said was beyond the scope of the book but also mentioned it as a possible strategy. After all, in poker the goal is to get as much money from the other guy, and one could argue cheating is just another strategy to that end.

  28. This plea to the faithful, most of whom can not afford it, to buy lifetime passes to the ark park looks like an act of desperation on the part of Hambo. The bond offering did not raise enough money to build the thing and the $30 million shortfall was to be covered by donations and sales of lifetime boarding passes. However, donations and sales have almost come to a complete halt at $15 million. AIG does not have and seems unlikely to get the needed $72 million for stage one of the ark park.

    Another thing that may be driving Hambo’s desperation is that he probably has no idea how much this project will actually cost and it could be a lot more than was budgeted for. Right now they are working on the parking lot. Contracts to actually build the ark have not even been put out to bid. Hambo has no way of knowing if there will be any bidders willing to take on this job for the amount Hambo has budgeted.

    Nothing like this has ever been built before (the Noah story is a myth) and estimates as to what it would cost to build a giant wooden building that looks like a boat and meets safety and fire code standards are pure speculation.

    I foresee this project ultimately being abandoned because AIG will not be able to acquire the funding to complete it.

  29. Diogenes Lamp

    Yeah, it’all go belly up like Bakker’s Heritage USA, but Ham will blame the atheists for his financial ineptitude, and the state of Kentucky will be left with the giant blight of a half-finished theme park, the theme of which was genocide.

  30. I, too, discern the faint, sweet scent of sectarian desperation about this. I think he knows this isn’t going to fly, or float, or stand up, or whatever the misbegotten structure is supposed to do. But he needs enough cash to say that he could have built it, only the atheists wouldn’t let him build it the way it says in the Holy Scripture because building codes and employment restrictions persecuting the true religion and gummint stuff like that.

    He will then put the money into other biblical outreach, like paying himself for his selfless ministry, and stroll away, rejoicing in the Lord.

  31. Ham: “I truly believe that a lifetime boarding pass to the Ark and the Creation Museum is one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have to impact so many lives for the Lord Jesus Christ.”

    This sounds like Ham is pitching this as a $3,000 ticket to heaven. “Buy your salvation — just three grand!”

  32. Ham’s SEND MORE MONEY message is getting shamefully loud and explicit now. Endlessly sticking the adjective “evangelistic” on his weird project doesn’t change the fact that this is about building a surreal themepark, not about winning souls for Jesus.

    As we know, the ark is greatly delayed already, compared to the projected completion date originally published. Did Ham become so “committed” that there simply isn’t any way he can extract himself from this mess? Is he “sincere” enough to actually go ahead and try to build something?

    I’m beginning to think that this could be the great Folly of Faith that brings the Ham empire down.

  33. Oh dear! Is Mr Lie getting a bit desperate for cash? Any moron who invests in his idiotic venture deserves to get fleeced.

  34. Numbers Update:

    Since Sept. 10, ArkEncounter has received $428,714
    in memberships for an average of $6,124/day; if that trend continues, the goal will be met near the end of 2020 or beginning of 2021.

    However, during the last four days receipts have totaled only $6,581, a most-recent trend which would result in reaching the $29.5M goal in 29.2 years.

    ArkEncounter’s mileage does seem to vary.

  35. It occured to me that Hambo’s ark saga is a great allegory for religion: An over priced “boarding pass” for a trip that (even IF it gets built) takes you absolutely nowhere.

  36. What’s Ham’s total projected budget for his Ark Park? Is it something like $78 million? Anyway, whatever it is, it’s such a shameful, unchristian waste of money.

    For that kind of money, he could provide modest housing for 1,500 homeless families or supply 20 million meals for the hungry. If he wanted to keep it strictly religious, he could build one of the world’s most beautiful, inspiring cathedrals. (Many might consider that, too, to be a waste, but at least it would be easier to look at than a huge, ugly fake ark.)

    I’m sure the rest of you regular readers of the Curmudgeon’s blog can come up with many other, more creative suggestions for what Ham can do with $78,000,000.

  37. Troy writes: “An over priced “boarding pass” for a trip that (even IF it gets built) takes you absolutely nowhere.”

    That’s not completely accurate; each visit takes you all the way back to the Dark Ages.

  38. To gnome de net: I have been following the donations at arkencounter.com since April 3, 2013, when they had $ 12,518,190. When I checked on them a moment ago, 20.5 months later, they had reached $ 15,452,482.

    However, they aim for $ 29,500,000. Statistics based on the long 20.5 month timeline would suggest that they the goal is 98.14 months away, i.e. 8 years and a little more than 2 months.

    The figures cited by gnome de net, based on a much shorter timeline, would suggest that the rate of donation is declining.

  39. @hnohf:

    Since you’ve been monitoring their progress, there has been a Christmas and at least one Easter, both potential occasions for generous donations. Perhaps by next Spring our numbers may match.

  40. What was the site where you got this info? Please post a link.

  41. They have a “donation progress bar” at arkencounter.com, where the figures are provided. But I believe the goal post has moved. When I started monitoring them, I think the stated goal was 5 million LESS than it is now. It changed about the time Ham declared that funding was in place (!).

  42. I think, no pun intended, that I will pass on the offer. Think I will buy some good wine instead.

  43. On the Blog page, the Goal is $24.5M; on all of the other pages it’s $29.5M!?

    I’ve been using the larger figure for my calculations.

  44. LATE-BREAKING NEWS ALERT

    FFRF urges IRS to investigate Noah’s Ark theme park:

    http://ffrf.org/news/news-releases/item/21800-ffrf-urges-irs-to-investigate-noahs-ark-theme-park

  45. @retiredscienceguy:

    A long time ago (1978, it turns out), the christian satire magazine The Wittenberg Door ran an article on how to spend $15,000,000. The only place I could find it on-line was here. It’s kind of small on the website, but the article consists of a long listing of humanitarian projects, the total cost of which added up to $15,000,000. Then it stated, “Or you could do this: Build a big glass church. Cost: $15,000,000”. This was a reference to Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral.

  46. @gnome de net:

    Best news I’ve had all day! Here’s the second best!