Of all the news stories that come to our attention each day, we don’t know why this one grabbed our attention. Well, actually we do, but we’ll leave it up to you to see if it’s really appropriate for this humble blog.
We present to you, dear reader, some excerpts from British tourist claims Gibraltar’s apes sexually assaulted her. It appears in the curiously named Olive Press, which refers to itself as “The best English newspaper in southern Spain.” They’re located in Málaga of Andalusia, Spain. The bold font was added by us:
A British tourist claims to have been ‘sexually assaulted’ by monkeys while visiting Gibraltar.
Perhaps you’re beginning to understand the appeal of this story. Then we’re told:
Melissa Hart, 23, travelled to the Rock on a day trip from Marbella, excited to see the famous Barbary Macaques. But when two began to pull at her clothes and hair atop of the Rock, she began to panic while other tourists close to her laughed.
The other tourists laughed? How insensitive! Let’s read on:
“I felt totally helpless as these two monkeys grabbed and pawed me in my most intimate areas,” she revealed.
Gasp — her most intimate areas! But that’s not all. You won’t believe what happened next:
“Then, with a yank, one of them pulled my bikini top straight off.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Hey — wait a minute. Why was she wearing a bikini top? Of course our furry cousins became excited. Melissa was asking for trouble! The news story continues:
Hart, a baker from Macclesfield, continued: “I was being sexually assaulted and these people all thought it was a great joke.” Luckily, her screams quickly grabbed the attention of a warden, who ran in and freed her.
Ah, then that was the end of the incident, right? No, it didn’t end there. Melissa wanted justice! Here’s more:
However, she was so angry she insisted in filing a police report, which also failed to go to plan. When she revealed to the policeman on duty she had been attacked by the monkeys, they were unable to take her claim seriously.
Cops are the same everywhere — always ready to blame the victim. Moving along:
While the policeman told her he was ‘sorry’ for her ordeal, he added that monkeys are ‘wild animals’ and cannot legally commit a crime.
Yeah — the little guys were just doing what comes naturally. One last excerpt:
“And if they could [commit a crime], do you think you could pick out your attacker in a line-up?” added the officer, evidently struggling not to laugh.
Poor Melissa. It’s a cruel, evolutionary world. She doesn’t even get any sympathy in the newspaper’s comments section. It’s all Darwin’s fault!
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