Oook, Oook! A Tale of Ape Rape

Of all the news stories that come to our attention each day, we don’t know why this one grabbed our attention. Well, actually we do, but we’ll leave it up to you to see if it’s really appropriate for this humble blog.

We present to you, dear reader, some excerpts from British tourist claims Gibraltar’s apes sexually assaulted her. It appears in the curiously named Olive Press, which refers to itself as “The best English newspaper in southern Spain.” They’re located in Málaga of Andalusia, Spain. The bold font was added by us:

A British tourist claims to have been ‘sexually assaulted’ by monkeys while visiting Gibraltar.

Perhaps you’re beginning to understand the appeal of this story. Then we’re told:

Melissa Hart, 23, travelled to the Rock on a day trip from Marbella, excited to see the famous Barbary Macaques. But when two began to pull at her clothes and hair atop of the Rock, she began to panic while other tourists close to her laughed.

The other tourists laughed? How insensitive! Let’s read on:

“I felt totally helpless as these two monkeys grabbed and pawed me in my most intimate areas,” she revealed.

Gasp — her most intimate areas! But that’s not all. You won’t believe what happened next:

“Then, with a yank, one of them pulled my bikini top straight off.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Hey — wait a minute. Why was she wearing a bikini top? Of course our furry cousins became excited. Melissa was asking for trouble! The news story continues:

Hart, a baker from Macclesfield, continued: “I was being sexually assaulted and these people all thought it was a great joke.” Luckily, her screams quickly grabbed the attention of a warden, who ran in and freed her.

Ah, then that was the end of the incident, right? No, it didn’t end there. Melissa wanted justice! Here’s more:

However, she was so angry she insisted in filing a police report, which also failed to go to plan. When she revealed to the policeman on duty she had been attacked by the monkeys, they were unable to take her claim seriously.

Cops are the same everywhere — always ready to blame the victim. Moving along:

While the policeman told her he was ‘sorry’ for her ordeal, he added that monkeys are ‘wild animals’ and cannot legally commit a crime.

Yeah — the little guys were just doing what comes naturally. One last excerpt:

“And if they could [commit a crime], do you think you could pick out your attacker in a line-up?” added the officer, evidently struggling not to laugh.

Poor Melissa. It’s a cruel, evolutionary world. She doesn’t even get any sympathy in the newspaper’s comments section. It’s all Darwin’s fault!

Copyright © 2015. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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22 responses to “Oook, Oook! A Tale of Ape Rape

  1. Diogenes' Lamp

    Clearly, the monkeys have been taught Darwinism in the monkey schools. How else can you explain such wanton immorality? Darwinist influence.

  2. Diogenes' Lamp

    The monkeys can’t be held accountable for sexual assault? It’s almost as if they’re Christian pastors.

  3. Diogenes' Lamp

    But with higher IQ’s.

  4. Surely, one of the “insensitive” bystanders must have captured all this on video, which the police could then use to identify the perp. Not to mention the fact the video would quickly go viral.

    I can see the YouTube title now — “Monkey Business on the Rock”.

  5. Diogenes' Lamp

    Ba dum dum *cymbal crash*.

  6. Diogenes' Lamp

    Wikipedia: Although the species is commonly referred to as the “Barbary ape”, the Barbary macaque is actually a true monkey. Its name refers to the Barbary Coast of North West Africa.

  7. Richard Bond

    Once on safari in Tsavo East (Kenya), our minibus was surrounded by baboons, close relatives of macaques. The alpha male stared fixedly at a beautiful woman in the party, and gradually developed an erection.

  8. Like this, rsg?


  9. The report forgot to mention during the ordeal the monkeys taunted her by saying, “if monkeys came from humans, why are there still humans?”

    Wow those cops were so racist…saying all monkeys look alike!

  10. The woman and any others must admit that monkeys are just as smart as men and so are always thinking of sex or these are animals. Both cannot be held responsible for their actions as they are at the same level of intelligence.

  11. According to another news source, Melissa was also heard to say: “This reminds me of a date I once had with a guy named Megalonyx.

  12. You think this is bad? Why, I have proof… PROOF(!!)… that these monkeys ALSO HATE THE USA!
    Look at this Barbary macaque as it gropes a poor US Navy sailor. Then they crank it up several notches, as seen here and here and here, while seemingly leaving this poor sailor unmolested… for now.
    Given that these pictures were from 1958(!!), this has been going on for almost SIX DECADES, yet NO ONE has done ANYTHING about it!
    Do you see what happens when we let Darwin get taught in the science classroom?!? DO YOU?!?!?

    P.S. These are pics that my father took when he was in the Navy 57 – 59, when his ship made a short stop on The Rock. The guy getting molested is his good buddy (to this day) Andy, and the guy feeding the monkeys off of the hood of the car is my father.

  13. Oh, Great Hand from Above. My previous comment is full o’ links, and is awaiting moderation.

    [*Voice from above*] It has been brought back from the great beyond.

  14. And my advice for Melissa others if they go on a safari or to a zoo, “Don’t try to pat the lion on the nose!”

  15. Our Curmudgeon ponders

    Of all the news stories that come to our attention each day, we don’t know why this one grabbed our attention. Well, actually we do

    –because you had come to be named in a fresh Belusconi ‘Bunga Bunga’ party scandal?

  16. michaelfugate

    In related animal news….
    Now we know why the fish is a Christian symbol.
    http://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/jun/01/sawfish-escape-extinction-through-virgin-births-scientists-discover

  17. This behavior is, well, um, just barbarous.

  18. @ Cardinal Gary: Splendid pics–and you can’t beat good ole Kodachrome.

    Full disclosure: my Dad was also US Navy, but an earlier generation: enlisted 1944 by lying about his age (he was stlll only 16 at the time) and did Atlantic convoy duty on a destroyer escort. Was never, however, molested by a monkey, at least not to my knowledge…

  19. @Mega: No, you certainly can’t beat Kodachrome. Those pics were from some 35mm slides I digitized several years ago. My father got the camera just before he shipped out, and he took pictures all over the Atlantic and Med, including many from Beirut just about the time it went to pot. One of these days I’ll post those.
    My father wasn’t on a warship; he was on a LSD (landing ship – dock), the USS Fort Snelling. The one thing he had going for him was that he didn’t (and still doesn’t) drink, which meant he got a lot of the “go ashore and bring home your drunk shipmates” duty. About as close to combat as he saw, except for the time when he had to do that duty in Beirut.
    What ship did your father serve on?

  20. Dave Luckett

    Fathers in the navy all over, it seems. Only mine was Royal Australian Navy.

  21. @Gary: What a coincidence! I too served on an LSD, but in the Coast Guard, not the Navy. However, in the Coast Guard, LSD stands for Large Steel Desk. (Yeah, I know — everyone’s heard that one before.)

    I served all my duty in CGHQ in Washington, DC. Not a bad place to be from 1969 to 1971, Viet Nam Era years.

    My father served as well, but Army Air Corps, not Navy. He was a radar officer during WW II.

    BTW, Gary, nice job of digitizing. Did you do it yourself, or send the slides out? If yourself, what did you use?

  22. @Pope RSG: “BTW, Gary, nice job of digitizing. Did you do it yourself, or send the slides out? If yourself, what did you use?”
    Thank you. I used a basic flatbed that had the attachment for 35mm slides.(Epson, I think? I’ll have to look, which won’t be til next week.) I cleaned them up first with Jasc Paint Shop Pro. When Corel bought out Jasc and screwed up PSP completely, I switched over to Gimp, which is what I use today. The one thing I learned was to always digitize at the maximum resolution then, if needed, reduce in the computer.