Ken Ham Wants Volunteers — But Not You

This isn’t news, but we’re suddenly hearing about it — first from our clandestine operative in Kentucky (“Bluegrass”), and then we spotted a post about it at PZ’s blog. It’s too good for us to pass up.

There’s something we never noticed before at the website of the creation scientists at Answers in Genesis (AIG) — the creationist ministry of Ken Ham (ol’ Hambo). The title is Become a Volunteer. It begins like this:

Impact our culture for Christ, as we proclaim the absolute truth and authority of the Bible. Through your volunteer service, you can!

It’s easy to understand that we never saw it before. But what’s interesting is that in a section headed “How do I become a volunteer?” they provide this link: Volunteer Application. That takes you to an amazingly detailed form that would-be volunteers must complete. It says that an asterisk (*) “Indicates REQUIRED INFORMATION.” All the sections begin with an asterisk.

One of the required sections is: “Church Reference & Group Reference”, which demands:

Please provide the name of the CHURCH you currently attend; also, your Pastor’s name, phone number, city & state and pastor’s email address. If not currently attending a church please indicate “None.”

But that’s not the good part. There’s another required section: “Christian Testimony & Creation Belief.” Here it is, in all its glorious entirety:

To be considered you must provide answers to the following questions. After those questions you need to utilize the blank space below to provide two detailed statements. The first statement is your Christian salvation testimony. The second statement is your belief about creation. Applicants that do not answer all questions and do not submit both statements will not be considered.

1. How does one get to heaven when they die?
2. Why do you believe YOU will go to heaven when you die?
3. What would cause anyone to go to hell?
4. Do you believe suffering in hell is eternal?
5. What do you believe to be the main difference between Christianity and other religions?
6. Do you believe the earth is thousands of years old or millions of years or does it matter? Explain your thoughts.
7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman. All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree?
8. Please provide a brief statement regarding your Christian Testimony of Salvation.
9. Please provide a brief statement of your position regarding Creation.
10. Please provide a brief statement about your position as relates to the inspiration, inerrancy (100% accuracy) of the Bible as the ONLY true Word of God.
11. How would you respond to someone who said “The Koran or the Book of Mormon are equally the Word of God.”?
12. Please confirm that you have a valid email address with regular access and confirm that you will periodically check email for forms and information from AiG.

There’s nothing we can say, except Aaaargh!! Well, there’s a lot more, but we’re not going to say it. Despite our customary restraint, you, dear reader, may wish to make a comment or two. Have at it, but beware of the profanity filters.

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33 responses to “Ken Ham Wants Volunteers — But Not You

  1. Ah, I remember applying to be a counselor at Christian summer camps.

  2. Become a Volunteer:

    Impact our culture for Christ, as we proclaim the absolute truth and authority of the Bible. Through your volunteer service, you can!

    Are you a people person?

    Join our frontline Creation Museum team.

    Prefer to work behind the scenes?

    Serve in the Answers in Genesis office or warehouse, on the Creation Museum grounds, or elsewhere.

    Are you a youth?

    If you would like to volunteer and you are a youth between the ages of 11–17, please see our Youth Volunteer Policy.

    Wasn’t AIG suing the state for tax benefits? Clearly they want to set up a strict religious test for anyone associated with the museum, and the state refused them based on their hiring practices. Maybe they can circumvent the problem by not paying the idiots who are dumb enough who pay their own way.

  3. Obviously the answer to Q.6 is thousands. Just a hell of a lot more thousands than Hambo thinks.

  4. I have no doubt that the standards formulated by Ol’ Hambo will initiate a tsunami of entries. Also I’m totally sure that every singular regular visitor of this nice blog – captained by our dear SC of course – will spend the best part of this Friday filling the Application.
    Can there be a more honourable job than volunteering for the Ayatollah of North-Kentucky himself?

  5. What a conundrum, assuming anyone who would want to volunteer at Hambo’s sideshow is illiterate, how could they possibly fill out that form?

  6. michaelfugate

    7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman. All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree?

    How can someone who claims to follow the Bible 100% agree?
    Polygamy is rife in the OT? Were all those marriages illegitimate?
    Is a Caesarian a natural birth? IVF? Ovarian or uterine transplants?
    What if your gender is ambiguous? What about testicular feminization?

  7. Charles Deetz ;)

    @michaelfugate Damn, and I thought that was the only yes/no answer.

  8. Number 5 struck me.
    Christianity is a religion?
    Would Jack Chick approve of that?

  9. mnb0:
    “I have no doubt that the standards formulated by Ol’ Hambo will initiate a tsunami of entries.”

    Hmm. Not a bad idea, really. If enough rational people did this as bogus applications, it would tie up AiG when they try to vet all the applications flooding in. I don’t think the regular commenters here at SC’s blog would be enough to create a tsunami, but get something going and have it spread to PZ’s, et al., and maybe Ol’ Hambo will get flummoxed.

    Heh, heh, heh….

  10. michaelfugate

    Christianity differs from other religions by having a different name, but otherwise it is pretty much the same.

  11. retiredsciguy says: “If enough rational people did this as bogus applications, it would tie up AiG when they try to vet all the applications flooding in.”

    No, don’t do that. PZ sometimes urges his readers to skew polls and things like that, but that’s not my idea of fun. Let the droolers apply and let Hambo have the thrill of reading their applications. That’s hellish enough.

  12. @michaelfugate-
    I’ll bet that he wants an answer that would make sure that the right kind of Christian is applying.
    Ironically Seventh Day Adventism, being the source of 20th-century Young Earth Creationism, the visions of Ellen G. White, via George McCready Price, would that be welcome?

  13. Love the 100% accuracy of the Bible as the True word of God statement. Only in Murica!

  14. While skewing silly polls can be fun indeed – they are worthless anyway – I think the idea of giving Ol’Hambo a lot of work more fun than actually doing it. I mean – will we be there? Looking at his face when seeing all the false applications, I mean.
    Plus he just will neglect them. And if he will react it will only with a rant about evilionist conspiracies sabotaging his important work.

  15. I agree with @michaelfugate.
    “All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” is clearly false. The story of Jacob/Israel and his wives and his wives’ slaves is perhaps the best known, though King David and his hobby of killing men and adding their wives to his collection, absolutely with the approval of JHVE, is also well known; not to mention Solomon’s 700 wives, David’s son by a wife acquired by his arranging the death of her husband, one of his loyal followers.

  16. >1. How does one get to heaven when they die?
    A: I always presumed that transportation was provided. Do I need a bus ticket?

    >2. Why do you believe YOU will go to heaven when you die?
    A: Because I make considerable effort not to be a hypocrite.

    >3. What would cause anyone to go to hell?
    A: Being a hypocrite, you hypocrite!

    >4. Do you believe suffering in hell is eternal?
    A: These questions seem eternal.

    >5. What do you believe to be the main difference between Christianity and other religions?
    A: Jesus Christ! You expect me to answer that?

    >6. Do you believe the earth is thousands of years old or millions of years or does it matter? Explain your thoughts.
    A: Yes. Either/Or, so it’s a perfectly valid answer.

    >7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage … yadayadayada … contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree?
    A: Yes. Same reasoning as 6.

    >8. Please provide a brief statement regarding your Christian Testimony of Salvation.
    A: I refuse to testify on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.

    >9. Please provide a brief statement of your position regarding Creation.
    A: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    >10. Please provide a brief statement about your position as relates to the inspiration, inerrancy (100% accuracy) of the Bible as the ONLY true Word of God.

    A: How did you arrive at the conclusion that “the Bible must be considered INERRANT word of God in order to be true at all?” If it is only 90% (or even 70%) true, it would still have an awful lot to say, no? And what, precisely, is “inerrant” and how do you apply it to the variety of Biblical texts? If, for the sake of argument, I read that Deuteronomy says, “stone the adulterer” and assume it to be inerrant, does this mean that I trust it is true that Moses wrote it? Or that people really believed this was the correct action? Or that this was governmental mandate in Yahweh-worshiping Canaan around 700 BC? Or that this was mandated for all time, everywhere (being ‘inerrant’ and all)? Or something else? And how does one apply the doctrine of inerrancy to Ps 9:1 (“I will give thanks to Yahweh with all my heart”) or to Rev 22:1 (“he showed me a river of the water of life”)? Inerrancy, as popularly applied, seems to only address declarative, historical or observational statements: most of the Bible consists of neither of these. Most Christians (and skeptics) throw around the term “inerrant” without much thought as to what it’s supposed to mean; it’s just a shibboleth.

    “.

    >11. How would you respond to someone who said “The Koran or the Book of Mormon are equally the Word of God.”?
    A: That depends on the possibility of scamming some coffee and cookies out of them.

    >12. Please confirm that you have a valid email address with regular access and confirm that you will periodically check email for forms and information from AiG.
    A: You betcha!

  17. @jimroberts-
    How many 1950s American TV families are there in the Bible?
    And does Ham accept divorce?

  18. About flooding AiG with a tsunami of false applications —

    You can relax, Curmy. I wasn’t really serious. It’s just fun thinking up sophomoric pranks like that. Besides, I can’t imagine any of us here would want to waste our time doing enough applications to make any difference to Ham.

    I can’t imagine why he would want an application like that in the first place. One would think volunteering at AiG would only draw the most zealous creationists, anyway. No long application to read, no need to vet the volunteer by calling the pastor — unless he’s concerned about someone coming in to sabotage his public relations.

  19. retiredsciguy speculates: “unless he’s concerned about someone coming in to sabotage his public relations.”

    He obviously is concerned. The last item in his application form is a “Volunteer Confidentiality Agreement”, pursuant to which the volunteer pledges that he won’t disclose anything that he learns about AIG. It makes you wonder what’s going on there.

  20. I can well imagine a reporter wanting to write about the experience of being a volunteer.

  21. The Curmudgeon’s profanity filters would block my reaction to this questionnaire. I wonder if Hambone has a profanity filter on the application.

  22. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman.”

    Ironically, the bible lists metric tons of “marriages” that do not meet that definition, starting with Adam and Eve (they were not “naturally born”).

  23. @Zetopan:
    Recalling Macbeth Act 5, does this mean that people delivered by caesarean section are not fit partners?

  24. Dave Luckett

    Be fair. It does ask for people to work “behind the scenes”. A better concession that the whole shebang at AiG is theater would be difficult to find.

    After all, we already know that these people don’t comprehend metaphor, and insist on the literal truth of everything they read.

  25. “The last item in his application form is a “Volunteer Confidentiality Agreement”, pursuant to which the volunteer pledges that he won’t disclose anything that he learns about AIG. It makes you wonder what’s going on there.”

    Oh, wow! Indeed it makes you wonder. Sounds a bit like Scientology, or even People’s Temple, although it’s probably just about financial matters.

  26. The whole truth

    SC said: ” It makes you wonder what’s going on there.”

    Hidden video cameras in the bathrooms wouldn’t surprise me. Ritualistic sacrifices of animals and people wouldn’t surprise me. A dungeon full of chained, caged, tortured, sexually molested boys, girls, goats, and sheep wouldn’t surprise me. A large cache of assault rifles and other weapons wouldn’t surprise me. A large cache of child, bestial, and necrophilia porn videos wouldn’t surprise me. And an underground vault with a lot of jewels and gold coins/bars in it wouldn’t surprise me.

  27. I assume that, with regard to marriage, “naturally born” means “not transgendered,” and that neither Adam nor Macduff are excluded from marriageability by the term. Caitlyn Jenner, now ….

  28. “I assume that, with regard to marriage, “naturally born” means “not transgendered”
    Since Eve came from Adam’s baculum, and his genes (if he had existed) would have been XY male, she must have also been “transgendered”.

  29. I just like the irony. If the creationists are ignorant of science they are also out of their depth in language and literature.

  30. Tom S asks

    How many 1950s American TV families are there in the Bible?

    Good point. And an inspiring one! I think the time may be ripe for some suitably-Biblical family viewing television inspired by the Golden Age of insipid programming. For starters, some of these could be winners:

    Leave it to Moses
    My Three Sins
    Osiris and Harriet
    Dobie Gilead

  31. Jeepers! How could I have missed out

    I Love Lucifer!

    Who can forget that classic scene when Adam, having eaten the apple, watches Death and all manner of Evil descending on the world. “Eva! You got some ‘splaining to do!”

  32. @TomS: Why ask me? I know little of these 1950s American TV families of which you speak (channelling Slartibartfast).
    And does Ham accept divorce? He could choose between Moses and Jesus, if he ever read as far as Jesus, but he has no trouble with the contradictions between Gen 1 and 2, or the contradictions between the carelessly merged variant accounts of Noah’s flood, so maybe divorce is OK if it seems expedient at the moment?

  33. Since Eve came from Adam’s baculum, and his genes (if he had existed) would have been XY male, she must have…

    …been Adam! Adam = Eve; Eve = Adam. So, when God gave them the directive to “Go forth and multiply”, it was the first usage of the term,
    “Go f**k yourself!”