Creative Challenge #25: Can You Top Ben Carson?

You have surely heard about Ben Carson’s belief that the pyramids in Egypt were built by Joseph for grain storage. Here’s an editorial in Denver Post that discusses it: The pyramids of Egypt and Ben Carson’s bizarre beliefs. We don’t need to give you any excerpts.

As strange as Carson’s belief may be, it’s not very impressive. We think that you, dear reader, can do better — much better. To get your imagination started, your Curmudgeon believes that the pyramids were Egyptian bordellos, and their triangular shape, which could be seen for miles from any direction, suggests … well, female anatomy.

You can do better than that, can’t you? Sure you can! But please, don’t tell us that they were burial tombs for the pharaohs — that’s not what we’re looking for.

The form of today’s challenge is that you must tell us, with reasonable brevity:

What was the real purpose of the Egyptian pyramids?

You know the rules: A successful entry should be self-explanatory. You may enter the contest as many times as you wish, but you must avoid profanity, vulgarity, childish anatomical analogies, etc. Also, avoid slanderous statements about individuals. Feel free to comment on the entries submitted by others — with praise, criticism, or whatever — but you must do so tastefully.

There may not be a winner of this contest, but if there is, your Curmudgeon will decide, and whenever we get around to it we’ll announce who the winner is. There is no tangible prize — as always in life’s great challenges, the accomplishment is its own reward. We now throw open the comments section, dear reader. Go for it!

Copyright © 2015. The Sensuous Curmudgeon. All rights reserved.

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45 responses to “Creative Challenge #25: Can You Top Ben Carson?

  1. Well, if I remember the 70’s accurately, they must have been designed to keep razor blades sharp, and fruit from rotting.

  2. michaelfugate

    I was thinking of desert iceberg equivalents – with the hope that during sandstorms – caravans will run into them and sink in the sand. The pirates who built the pyramids can then plunder the caravan.

  3. Silly question. I saw the documentary. They are landing pads for Goa’uld mother ships.

  4. cnocspeireag

    Ken, you got there before me.

  5. Did you see? Ken Ham trying to sound MORE reasonable than Ben Carson:
    http://time.com/4104778/ben-carson-the-pyramids-and-the-bible/
    (Not sure quite why Time are publishing articles by Ken Ham without any chance to comment underneath – though the piece does relate to the current political news in the US of course.)

  6. OBVIOUSLY

    They were intelligently designed.

    Isn’t that enough? I’m not going to take the bait and offer petty details.

  7. michaelfugate

    What pore size design filter did you use and what complexed specified information allowed you to make that assertion, Tom?

  8. Ceteris Paribus

    Quite plainly, the triangular design used in construction of the pyramids denotes an intention to attract expected hordes of vacationing Trinitarians and their offspring who would be passing thru the area while on their future pilgrimages to the Holy Land.

    And since it would be several thousand years into the future before the founding entrepreneurs of the pyramid projects could count on help from their local Chamber of Commerce, or finagle direct government subsidies for the project, there is no doubt that it would be necessary to construct the pyramids at a very large visual scale. Much larger than the inevitable freak shows, go-cart tracks, and roadside “fried pie” stands which usually accompany voyages of pilgrimage.

    Sadly, there appears to be no extant scrolls and/or clay tablets to confirm exactly why these intelligently designed and ancient pyramids ultimately failed to prosper. However, based on modern patterns, some have conjectured that there was simply a lack of repeat pilgrimages among the small but fervent cohort of paying customers.

  9. The Egyptians built them to convince future generations that space aliens had visited their fair land and told them the secret of the universe and all.

  10. Back during the Ice Age, the Egyptians used them as slopes for skiing, sledding, and snowboarding.

    The grain storage was a lucky, unintended consequence.

  11. @Ceteris Paribus – So you’re thinking Pharaoh Bevinhotep didn’t come through with the goods?

  12. Abeastwood comes closest: pyramids are sex toys for aliens.

  13. I believe they were made as artist’s models for the back of the future US dollar bill. The ancient Egyptians were very prescient.

  14. That, or mooring posts for Noah’s ark.

  15. Pope RSG suggested:

    mooring posts for Noah’s ark.

    Once again, +1 for Pope RSG.

  16. Charles Deetz ;)

    Come on guys, the pyramids were built for cardio exercise, even harder than stair climbing.

  17. Charles Deetz ;)

    @Ashley Wow, how calm Ken is being about someone with whom he disagrees about the ‘interpretation’ of the evidence. Sounds like he has a bro-crush on the Doctor.

  18. Triangular shape of pyramids represents the Trinity. Can I prove this? Of course not. If I could then there would be no need to test my faith.

  19. They were used to hide the evidence of pyramid schemes.

  20. Our Curmudgeon finds that a pyramid

    suggests … well, female anatomy.

    Jeepers! Olivia wasn’t joking about your total innocence of any knowledge or experience thereof!

  21. The most enduring legacy of the Ancient Egyptians was of course their invention of chocolate bars, which were created by master chefs in the time of Pharaoh Ptobler I (fl. circa3500 B.C.), He reigned shortly after the Noachic Flood but just before the Grand Old Designer split Pangaea into the modern configuration of the continents through some high-speed tectonic-plate oogity-boogity–which is why we today find marsupials, freshly disembarked on the Mountains of Ararat, springing over the deserts of Western Australia. And that is also why we still see pyramids in Central America, which was once part of Ancient Egypt and provided that happy realm with vast plantations for the cultivation cacao beans.

    Of course, in the searing heat of Egypt, chocolate bars melted very quickly; hence, it was necessary to make them very large if one was to have a chance of eating one before it melted away altogether. The great Pyramids of Giza were originally hollow (so Carson was partly correct) but in fact were built as giant molds (or ‘moulds’, for Colonial readers) for making the huge chocolates used to celebrate the coronation of Pharaoh Ptobler I (sometimes transliterated as Tobler One).

    Or course, when the Americas were so brutally sundered from the rest of the world by the creation of the Atlantic Ocean, the craft of the ancient Egyptian chocolatiers was forgotten for many centuries. But it was rediscovered by the Lost Tribes of Israel when they migrated over the North Pole to modern day Mexico (as is accurately recorded by eyewitness accounts in the Book of Mormon) and became hugely wealthy supplying cacao beans to Switzerland.

    If anyone doubts this TRVE, scripturally-sound account and thinks I’m just spouting a bunch of old toblers, I can only say

    ”Oh yeah? Well, were you there?

  22. From Ken Ham’s comments (thanks, Ashley):

    Also, it seems the greatest of the pyramids were built centuries before the time of Joseph.

    Umm… would not that have put them prior to Noah’s flood? Why did a flood that could carve out the Grand Canyon not wash them away?

  23. @Richard Bond:
    According to standard Egyptian chronology the major Pyramids were built about 2600-2100 BCE.
    As I recall, standard literalist Biblical chronology places the Flood about 2800 BCE, Abraham 2000 BCE, Joseph 1800 BCE, the Exodus 1200 BCE.
    I mention the last because there is a story going back to Josephus (The Antiquities of the Jews of 93 CE) that the Pyramids were built by the Jewish slaves in Egypt.
    There is no mention of the Pyramids in the Bible.
    Does anyone have an idea where the the Joseph connection comes from? Is this, perhaps, a Seventh Day Adventist belief?

  24. Opinions differ. Some maintain the pyramids were launching pads for the ancient Egyptian moon shots, others that they are part (unfortunately, the other parts have been lost) of apparatus for the detection of gravitational waves. Yet a third school of thought maintains that the edges of the pyramids were originally very much sharper, and that they were used to circumcise dinosaurs.

    I think we should be looking for hieroglyphs on the moon, which would settle the matter.

  25. They are ancient all inclusive resort hotels much like those seen today along the beaches of Quintana Roo in Cancun, Playa Del Carmen and Isla Mujeres. At the time of their construction sea level was much higher.The Sphinx was part of the large Las Vegas like entertainment complex. Nefertiti and the mummies were in the massage and spa area getting a mud facial and body wrap, when the designer decided to cover the whole area with sand to perplex scientists and also to get the resort complex’s appearance more in line with the history books being written by George the goat shepherd over in Mesopotamia.
    How come I have to do all the thinking around here?

  26. The pyramids were built by the captive Israelites as the wheels for a giant cart on which they intended to make their escape from Pharaoh.

    Unfortunately, they used the Biblical value of pi = 3, so they didn’t come out right.

    That’s why they hoofed it instead, relying on the Grand Ole Designer to manually part the Red Sea for them…

  27. Breaking news! The TRVTH has been discovered!

    The pyramids were built to create Global Warming, now revealed as a vile Pharaonic Plot!

    See BBC news item: Egypt pyramids scan finds mystery heat spots

  28. Evidence (which I can’t yet reveal) suggests that the pyramids were the beginning of a very large project to install a system of weights to hold the sand down so it wouldn’t always be flying around. The few pyramids that were built worked out very well, but then the project was suddenly halted. Either: (a) they figured out that it was impractical to cover the whole desert with such structures; or (b) the Flood interrupted their plans. Anyway, the result is the wind still blows the sand around — except for the sand under the pyramids.

  29. I know that the “evidence” to which our Curmudgeon coyly alludes (in support of his Sand Weights Theory) is in fact a dirty trick by clandestine G.O.P. agents. It’s an obviously-forged document purporting to demonstrate that weighting down the sands of the Sahara was a massively expensive New Deal WPA make-work scheme personally authorised by FDR, at the personal behest of Josef Stalin. It deserves no credence.

    More plausible IMHO is the theory that the Pharaohs, endeavouring to impress their subjects with ostentatious displays of Executive Grandeur (or else, to compensate for other,…ah, shortcomings), commissioned a set of vastly oversized office implements for their massive Executive Desks. These implements included a mile-long eraser on which was written (in equivalent hieroglyphs) For Really BIG Mistakes, a five-mile long ruler labeled “THINK BIG!”, and the massive stone pyramid paperweights, which originally bore inspirational executive messages like

    “IF YOU’RE SO SMART, WHY AIN’T YOU RA?”
    “AMUN’S GOTTA DO WHAT AMUN’S GOTTA DO”
    “ANUBIS IS AS ANUBIS DOES”

    Incidentally, the Sphinx was also just such a giant desk ornament. The recently-uncovered hieroglyphs around the base read, “YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE JEWISH TO BE A SLAVE AROUND HERE–BUT IT HELPS!”

  30. oops, a sloppy mispelling of the second instance of ‘ANUBIS’

    May the Gods forgive me!!!

    [*Voice from above*] All is forgiven.

  31. Well bugger: my attempted correction of an error is an even worse mangling than the original goof.

    The proper translation of the hieroglyphs in question should, of course, be

    ANUBIS AS A NUB DOES

    [*Voice from above*] One fix is all you get. Sorry.

  32. TomS the earliest cite I could find for the pyramids being used for grain storage was from the 8th century, and came complete with denial that they could be used for burial purposes because they were a massive waste of space.

    While eventually used for burial, the truth is that they were built by the pharoah’s three year old sign as a sort of Duplo building set but using slave labour as was the fashion at that time.

  33. The pyramids on Egypt’s deserts are similar in function to lighthouses serving marine navigation. In a largely featureless (and treeless) desert, the tall pyramids served as landmarks to help camel caravans reach their destinations instead of wandering off course. The pyramids were not illuminated because caravans did not travel at night. Note that camels are sometimes called “ships of the desert,” just as pyramids are “lighthouses of the desert.”

  34. Holding The Line In Florida

    The pyramids were obviously an early attempt by the Egyptians to fathom the mystery of the TIME CUBE. Alas for them, they couldn’t fully figure it out. If they had, we would all be singing “King Tut” now and “Walking Like An Egyptian!” It took Gene Ray to decipher the Truth! Long Live the TIME CUBE!!!!!

  35. Surely they were designed as wells. Unfortunately some fool had the blueprints turned up the wrong way.

  36. I agree with Dave, but he is the one who has it upside down. The pyramids were designed as wells – drilling wells! Those doggone Egyptians, following a tip they got from God through Moses, beat Zion Oil & Gas to the punch and built huge pyramid shaped drilling wells to bleed that part of the Sahara dry of its oil!

  37. Once the oil was all gone, the Eqyptians then used the abandoned oil wells/pyramids to store stuff they no longer needed – perhaps some grain as Carson suggests, but for sure dead bodies, petrified cats, old gold carnival masks, tacky room decorations and the like.

  38. A harried Egyptian mother (royal, of course) snapped at her son, “Go outside and do something constructive!” Descendants followed suit.

  39. In partial answer to my question, I came across a story on the BBC which said that the granary story goes back to Gregory of Tours (6th century) and appears in the popular 14th travels of “John Mandeville”.

  40. Evidently Ben Carson didn’t think things through before making that incredibly ridiculous statement. The slaves building the pyramids would have consumed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times more grain while building the pyramids than the pyramids could possibly store.

    Grain storage bins?!?!? They are practically solid rock!! Why in the world would anyone go to all that trouble to store grain? Furthermore, to be effective, the bins would need to be dispersed across to the land to be where the people are, not all concentrated in one small area.

    Finally, if they were grain storage bins, why did we find mummies inside instead of grain?

    Carson is nuts. Watch out for squirrels, Doctor.

  41. You’re all wrong, and Dr. Ben too. They were obviously litter boxes for the sphinx.

  42. And yet despite (or because of?) claims like this, Ben Carson is currently the front-runner for the presidential nomination of the U.S. political party which has won (if I’ve counted correctly) 24 of the last 40 presidential elections (23 if you consider 2000 to be fraudulent; 25 if you think 1960 was).

    Be afraid. Be very afraid.